PTSD versus OCD

[andress]

Hello Everyone.I have just found this website and I am hoping someone can help me .I hope I am posting this in the right place.
A little bit about my'self.

My apologies if it is a bit long.

My name is Andress.I am 32 years old.I have a condition known as obsessive compulsive disorder.I feel this disorder was created by my'self to cover up other emotions and experiences that I cannot handle from childhood.
I grew up in domestic violence and emotional abuse.

For as long as I can remember I have this feeling that I have been sexually abused.I have been reading the book the courage to heal and it has brought up some feelings that is hard to deal with.

The problem with me is I have no memory of actual sexual abuse.
Just horrible sensations and major relationship issues when to comes to that end of things in my marriage.

I have been through numerous therapies even hypnosis to deal with Obsesssive Compulsive Disorder.
The latest hypnosis is dealing with repressed memories that may relate to sexual abuse.I dont know where to go from here.I have horrible emotions when it comes to intimacy but no memories.My therapist says that I may have repressed them so far down that they may never surface.

I would let it go and try and move on with my life but it still comes back day after day.The horrible emotions.There is a constant reminder that something happened.If there is anyone on her that can help me I would appreciate it as I am at my wits end with this nightmare.

Thank you for listening.

Andress

[Kerrie-Ann]

Hi Andress,

Welcome to the forum. Domestic violence, emotional abuse or sexual abuse seperately are enough to result in PTSD. Its beyond my comprehension why some adults are allowed to be parents. I don't know anything about OCD or how it stacks up compared with PTSD but there are plenty of people on this forum who may be able to help. Certainly, there are many who have suffered child abuse in one form or another amongst other trauma's. I suggest that even if your specific diagnosis was not PTSD, you could benefit from the help and advice provided on this forum. Keep posting, have a browse, ask questions, the aim of this forum is to help.

[anthony]

Welcome Andress, and glad you found us.

Hypnosis or EMDR will generally recover suppressed memories if they exist. It would be rare if both did not, though it does happen, and you could be one of them.

What do you feel Andress with your nightmare, and what is your nightmare about / involve?

[andress]

Thank you for the replies.

I feel I have been living a nightmare for the past 15 years.On a daily basis I feel disconnected from my body ,I forget to do every day chores.I am fearful,Always on high alert,I feel disgust and shame in my body and I dont know why.It is like my body is trying to tell me something.Intimacy is a huge problem for me as I am scared of it.Even if I feel arousal I get very scared and start crying.

I hope I am not been too personal here and my words are appropriate.

Andress

[veiled]

There is another woman on here who may be able to help you better than I, Nam. She has progressed further with her repressed memories. I have them. I know and remember very little but my older brother was truly insane. I get flashes that just kind of hit me, at times I think I am sick as it comes out of the blue and is almost like a dreamy like state, and once it hits I cannot get it out of my head, like it is on a loop play. My most recent was a seemingly innocent memory of tickling. I remember being tickled by much of my family, but it was truly play and fond memories. This one though I almost threw up, I felt shame, guilt, embarassment, and the ever so popular dirty, a filth that you just can't wash off. I had been raped before more than a couple times, but this was a first at feeling "dirty". Your soul feels raped and how can that be cleansed? I do not know. But you are not alone.

I get a bit of confirmation because I have a twin. She does not have supressed memories of his years of rapes. She can remember them. But we do not talk about it. He is also an arsonist and I smell fires burning that are not there. I do not remember one fire. My mother has told me of these and went in to more detail recently about the fires he set as I tried to figure out why I would smell it and it not be there or nobody else could smell it, I felt crazy.

I know how hard and frustrating it is to have emotions evoked and you cannot really grasp it because it is near impossible it feels to nail down the event causing it. They will come in time, your mind seems to know what you can handle. As I go through therapy a wee tiny bit more tries to surface. Your mind could not handle it so it gets filed away, far away. It is still there though and at some point when you are ready your mind will allow you to remember more, but not all at once. Mine is comparable to a puzzle every once in a while it just gives me another piece, eventually I will get enough to see what is really there.

PTSD seems to help you develope all kinds of extras to piggy back it. I just see it as PTSD. But on the list my doc has it looks more like this. PTSD, PD, OCD (light case), depression, agoraphobia (sp?), social phobia, simple phobias... And so on but it all stems from PTSD.

A running trend here is only you can help you, but we will be here to support you no matter what your trauma, some are here who can relate and be a sounding board for you. It is common with PTSD to not remember parts of your trauma, and sometimes you don't recall any. My first memories surfaced when I had my first daughter as I held her when we got home from the hospital. I guessed it was my minds way of letting enough surface to protect my little girl now. It was my first trigger to the first "flashback" I ever had. You are not alone. Sometimes just knowing that helps.

[andress]

Thank you.There is so much information in your post that I can relate to.
I get flashbacks also .
I got my first flashback when my first child was a baby.I have always felt there was something wrong with my body but could never pinpoint it.I have a very strong feeling I know who abused me but I dont have the memories to back up what I am thinking.I always thought that my daily problems were due to Domestic Violence as a child but there is strong evidence to suggest I was sexually abused also.

I said in my first post that I would love to be able to get on with my life .

Do you ever get the feeling that your body is trying to tell you something?I cant explain it.

My symptoms are ,Anxiety,distorted thinking,ongoing emotional distress,flashbacks,disorientation,
A feeling that there is a tornado inside about to erupt,
A disconnection to intimacy,A disconnection to my own body,
Never feeling safe ,jumpy.These symptoms are felt on an ongoing basis.
I would love to chat with someone whose memories surfaced years after abuse.

Your help is much appreciated.
Andress

[Farmer]

Hi Andress

Memories from our past seem's to affect some people different than others, in my case I remember bits and pieces and it gave me ptsd, my cousin who was burnt with me remembers nothing of the event but gets through life fine(the last time I seen him anyway). Now that I forced myself to get help the memories are slowly comming out and I'm starting to realize how they bring on the other syp. keep writing I learn so much from this site.

[veiled]

Sounds normal to me. Sick what we see as normal huh? What you may be feeling and are actively doing now is trying to heal. You get to a point you have to, you just cannot go on like this forever. Anthony is so much better at explaining this as he has been through it all and created this place for us.

Mine came to a point that I had a complete nervous breakdown where no medications could control it and everyone around me thought I had lost my flipping mind. Me too. With the guidance of my CBT therapist and Anthony I am healing now. I dodge my shrink as much as possible. Therapist said it was Alpha dog issues... She has her ideas how I should heal and I have mine. It is a slow process. With everyone else's experiences and having the same feelings and emotions that stem from very different traumas but we all FEEL the same in the end helps a lot to. So many people work to get better here and we are all as one in the journey. It is nice to have the openess and closeness, comraderie of this group. All the while you remain anonymous... A good mix for me. You can have your life back for the most part, you just have to take it. You are just going to have some scars.

[becvan]

Hi Andress.

I also suffer from repressed memories. I was diagnosed with Childhood Amnesia when I was only 15! I was told that I may regain some memories or I may not, throughout my lifetime. I had blocked out 14 solid years!! I only knew my parents were my parents because I was told so!! Much has slowly changed since then. I have about half a day's worth of memories now. Sometimes I can remember and sometimes I can't. I have these horrible emotions that seem to well up out of nowhere and don't seem to be attached to anything. I've just recently learned that these are "emotional" flashbacks. Something triggers the memory (which I still can't see) and I recieve the emotions from it. Good to know I'm not crazy. My memories started to come in little spurts when I was in my early 20's. Before, I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out my past, who I was, what happened to me etc.. But when I was 23 I went into short term therapy for it. The most important thing I learned was that my mind will let me remember when I am capable of dealing with the memory and not one second before. There was nothing I could do to evoke them. Once I started to relax about not remembering anything, they started to come. Now, I deal with them as the come. I'm in major therapy now for PTSD and it's helping.

You are not alone!! It's great to have you here and I'm available to discuss this aspect anytime you need to. Welcome aboard!!

Bec

[andress]

I only found this website this morning and already feel at home here.

Quote:becvan ,I have these horrible emotions that seem to well up out of nowhere and don't seem to be attached to anything. I've just recently learned that these are "emotional" flashbacks.


I find these emotions very scarey.Due to having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , In the past I would have attached these emotions to something silly but I am now realizing that the emotions I am feeeling have a deeper meaning.They can be petrifying.

I find the feeling of being completely disorientated very frightening.

Veiled What does Alpha Dog issues mean?

Thanks everyone.

Andress

[becvan]

I find these emotions very scarey.Due to having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , In the past I would have attached these emotions to something silly but I am now realizing that the emotions I am feeeling have a deeper meaning.They can be petrifying.

Andress

Hi Andress.

I used to react the same way. Then I would spin completely out of control (rather than obsessing) and just expolde. It's a wicked sight! Anyways, I've been learning grounding techniques to help me get through these withut losing my mind. Look into various ones that are available and try them out to find which ones work for you. I'm still experimenting at this stage (only started learning them a week ago) and I've already stopped myself from spinning out of control, TWICE!! Just knowing what they are has made a huge difference for me. I can now identify them when they hit (which is all the flipping time) and work on techniques to work my way through them.

It's still very scary because I don't know what is triggering them, but I know what they are and can learn to work through it. This has helped me face them rather than run from them.

I don't know if that is helpful at all, but thank you! It helps me a lot to share this with people who understand. That is a new feeling for me.

Bec

[veiled]

Alpha dogs... the pack leader, the one in control. I have a habit of trying to control my enviroment around me, so when I hit public it does not always go as I think it should. My shrink is an Alpha type personality, she demands to be in charge. I pay her I demand to be in charge. She has an aggresive type personality as I do. So when we are in a room together it is on so to speak. Where as my therapist I always see has a very laid back attitude and goes out of his way to disarm you emotionally and be submissive while being submissive himself, he is used to dealing with all sorts and some violent people. I am guessing my shrink just does not have the background to get it like he does. He is very talented at getting me to open up, my shrink I just wish I could throw something at. Luckily I don't have to see her often anymore since my other doc has taken more control over my treatment per my request. She throws pills at my problems, he helps me sort through them to heal at some point.

[andress]

Becvan Quote:Anyways, I've been learning grounding techniques to help me get through these without losing my mind,


I do grounding techniques every day.They are very beneficial in keeping the mind and body balanced.

Also drink plenty of water.

Veiled I understand when you say you try to control the environment around you.I do that all the time.

It causes me a lot of anxiety.

Do some of you find that you are constantly punishing yourselves ,putting yourselves down ,sabotaging your best efforts and telling yourself that you will never be good enough?

Andress

[cdunny]

Andress, Hi and welcome to the Forum. This thread has really brought up some issues with me. I have been in counseling a few times. As a kid, and adolescent, and with my PTSD therapy last year. Every time I have been in therapy it has been sugested to me that I have supressed memories. When asked about my childhood there is little I can remember. I do remember a handful of abusive times and in general no money, lots of fighting, my mother always being sick, and my dad always being angry. But my main memories are of me and my brother who is a year younger than me. We were thick as thieves growing up and so when I think of my childhood I always have happy thoughts cause I automatically think of him.

It is only through further questioning and searching that I feel the bad memories. And what I mean by feel is that even though I have bad memories of my childhood (getting beaten with a belt till I bruised, my parents beating each other up, constantly being yelled at and called names, etc.) I have no feelings about them. I dont feel anything when I recall them. Not even resentment or disapointment. Almost as if Im recalling the events in a movie I saw. I never really knew why this was, but overall I have very few memories.

I do however remember as an adolescent not wanting to be touched. I hated it. It was not untill half way through high school that I would not try to punch someone if they touched me. I never really looked into it, but 2 different therapists were convinced it was from sexual abuse. Of course I denied it. I have no memory of such things and was disgusted someone would make thos assumptions.

Until my latest spychologist informed me that I had supressed memories I thought nothing of it. Still not convinced, but slightly interested I went to my grandmothers and started watching old home videos. It seems that at a very young age I was incredibly free spirited and loving. Huging everyone and lauging... finding my way in front of the camera any way possible. My never ending mouth flapping away. These tapes were consistent till one taken at about the age of 9 or 10. It was a Christmas tape. Normally my favorite time of the year, I could barely find myself in this tape. The tape showed that I shyed away from the camera, sat in the corner by myself, and aggressively pushed anyone away who touched me. My voice was never heard in this entire tape. How akward I thought.

I have no memory of this time and have no idea what caused the change in my behavior, for the following tapes were consistent with this new behavior. Amazing, I thought. Absolutely amazing. I was slightly intrigued, as if I wasnt even watching myself on camera. Like I was studying someone else completely. Thats how disconected with my inner child I am. I have no feelings or emotions or even thoughts associated with my childhood. Little memory and very little concern. Although I find this incredibly interesting I have no desire to find those hidden memories and associate a feeling with them. I personally have enough craziness to deal with in my adult life to be digging up things my brain buried for a reason.

Im sorry if my post seems impersonal. Its just that the subject of your thread interested me. Im so glad you are feeling at home here though. You might find that Im just a little disconected from many feelings. Anger seems to be the only emotion that I can convey. I think that for people who are feeling the affects of their childhood, whether they remember them or not, should be able to asess what exactly is bothering them in order to be able to deal with it appropriately... so I wish you luck in your journey. We will be here along the way if you need us.:smoking: