Scared of PTSD Diagnosis

[piglet]

Hi. I'm another newbie, although not new to ptsd. I had a stress breakdown a few years ago, had lots of nightmares about stuff from my childhood (not pleasant). A counsellor I saw said that I should see a psychiatrist cos she thought I had ptsd. At that time, I was too scared to go down that road, so I just stayed with the counselling (and ssris) and things got better. I made a new start, new job, new area. Got on really well - much better than I had hoped. Then I got overloaded with work and had an unpleasant experience with an angry student (I'm a lecturer now). The nightmares returned, so I stopped sleeping, then I couldn't work - I guess those of you here know the drill.....

Anyway, I'm due to go for a psychiatric assessment next week. I'm absolutely terrified of it and feeling like I'm going crazy. The thing is, if I have got ptsd, that means the nightmares are based on things that are real. That I don't want to accept. I've been doing the denial thing for so long. Part of me hopes that I'm just crazy.

Whatever happens, I know I'm in for a challenge. I have been unable to talk to friends about this, and I don't have a supportive family. I hope nobody minds me posting this here, but it does help to know that there are other people who are dealing with this crap too.

Thanks for listening.

[anthony]

Hi Piglet,

Welcome aboard. Yes, you will get the support you need here, that is for sure. We all understand what your going through, as we have all done it ourselves, and others here are doing it now... being diagnosed.

Yep... denial is a wonderful thing, your right. Unfortunately, we can only live in denial for so long until it jumps up and bites us on the backside... which it sounds like your turn is now due. I suppose it is a bit different for you, as you know that you could have PTSD, where mine was like, "you have PTSD", and my response was, "what the hell is that?"... I guess mine was just not knowing, where your diagnosis is from avoidance. I bet thats been playing on your brain some what ha? I also bet it probably isn't helping the situation either?

Your right, it is scary, and especially when you know what PTSD is, it must obviously be worst. I used to love denial, that anything was wrong with me... I could just drown my sorrows in alcohol and be none the wiser. Now, I have to fight this head on... which I avoided for years.

I always wonder what it is about friends, but from my own experience, I know what it is like sitting on the other side of it also. When I was in the military, soldiers who had done very little in the scheme of things to what I had done, where being diagnosed with this thing called PTSD. Arrogant, selfish... yes... but that is the military surroundings.

It wasn't until I started helping some of them, because others would not extend themselves past their rank to do so... and just thought they were nuts. I started listening to things they were saying, and worked out that their own traumas had been the cause. Now at this point, I still didn't pay any attention to what exactly was wrong, ie. PTSD, just that they were mentally unstable and needed help, quickly.

I had pretty much well forgotten about everything, until such time as my wife sent me to counselling cause I was pretty much out of control. When the counsellor looked at me, asked me two or three questions, and said we need to talk lots more, I think you have PTSD... and I asked what the hell that thing was again... I figured out that this is what some other soldiers where experiencing when I was helping to keep the heat of them through a bad time in their life.

Now, some of these people who where diagnosed before myself, where good friends, but I ignored what was happening to them, and failed to support them outside of the military life. I am not necessarily proud of that, as I should have known better as a friend, but for some reason didn't. Now that could have been because of my own PTSD that was oblivious to me, or not... not sure.

What I do know, is that by educating those around us with the problem we face, they tend to turn around and remembering what being a friend is about... support and being there. Maybe try helping them learn, whilst you learn also. I know that ditching too much on your friends or family, is a little overwhelming for them, as they just tend to think your nuts... when in fact there are underlying problems.

Give it a go, and see what happens.

Don't be too afraid to turn up for your appointments though... even though they will make you anxious, turn up anyway, and get the help you need, then learn, learn, learn... as the only real way to fight PTSD is to know your own strengths and weaknesses, and work within the bounds you have. Push yourself a little at a time, work through it, then step back and redevelop yourself, then go at it again.

My doctors where brutally honest with me, as they where specialists in PTSD, and basically, they said go lock myself up for a year, two or more, until I find a calm within myself to deal with the world. I am still in that phase of my life, though I am dealing with things the best I can. You have to take things one step at a time, and you made the right step by finally seeking the correct medical help.

I say, congratulations for taking the giant leap. It is a giant leap too... for someone without PTSD, it is probably nothing, but when PTSD symptoms are at work... it is huge to make it to get help. You should pat yourself on the back just for these next steps your proactively taking.

Your family need educating about the illness... and once educated, then they may just be a bit more supportive.

Again though, you will always get the support and honest truth here... so I'm glad you made that step also...

[piglet]

Thanks Anthony,
Just knowing other people who are out there understand makes a huge difference to me. Maybe I'll have a go at educating a friend or two, once I know a bit more. the family are a bit of a no-go, seeing as they are the cause of this in the first place. Talking to the family about this would be very destructive, and they are all doing okay at the moment, so i'd rather things stayed that way so I don't have to worry. Maybe one day I'll just think "sod them" and tell a few home truths, but I care too much to do that right now.

I'm just planning on taking things a day at a time and looking after myself til my appointment. Don't really want to think too much about after...I'm hoping that I can get things together enough to get back to work - at least part-time. My job comes with my home, so if I leave my job, or they sack me for being off too much, I have nowhere to go - like I don't have enough to worry about already!

At least one thing in my favour is that as I can't trust people, I took my dictaphone into my HR interview and recorded everything that was said. They said some things that they shouldn't have done, which at least gives me some leverage if I need to get my union to sort them out. My doc is very supportive too - bloody good job or I don't think I would have made it this far.

Anyway - thanks for this forum - it makes a huge difference :)

[anthony]

Your very welcome, and its people like yourself that makes this place a good stop to meet up, make friends, talk turkey and most importantly, able to vent with people who know exactly what your talking about. This was something I had to do, for myself, when I was doing my PTSD course (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) to help me come to terms with what has gone on inside my head, and the reactions and affects upon me.

Everyone here not only helps themselves, but helps others, by letting them know their not alone. Everyone here makes this place... which is really good for us all honestly.

That is fair enough with the family thing, totally agree with you, especially as the cause of your trauma. And your right, your probably better to leave that one alone until you get yourself through all the tough stuff first. I forgot about that bit in your first post... sorry.

I found out who my true friends where when I got PTSD, and from hundreds, I went down to only a couple, who I can really trust and talk with, and didn't judge me any different, say anything behind my back and so forth... if they have something to say, they say it to me, not behind me... which is what friends are all about for me.

I'm sure you will have a couple hanging around who do want to help you, but are more in the dark than you, as they don't understand, nor know how to help you. In fact, what they probably need to know is, they don't need to help you, just simply be your friend. Friends listen, friends give advice, friends are just there when you really need them. All of my true friends asked me what was going on, as they where generally concerned, and didn't just want to know for gossip reasons. They told others to shutup and don't talk about things they know nothing about, when I wasn't their to fend for myself.

Anyway, to the good stuff. What part of England are you in? I have a couple of mates in London who often tell me its bloody cold their.

[piglet]

I'm from Northampton - which is in the middle, a bit further north than London. And yes - it has been cold lately. British Summer Time starts tomorrow (an hour less nighttime to wait through tonight). It is a nice day here today - the first warmish day of spring. I had to carry my coat for most of my walk this morning. It was nice to have some peace and quiet and sunshine - good for the soul.

Had a visit from a friend yesterday - she told me that one of my colleagues is off sick too - but she's off with "something physical" apparently. My friend was horrified when she realised what she'd said. She's the only person I have told that I might have ptsd, but I guess it goes to show how little people know about it. I didn't bother telling her that ptsd is physical AND psychological. Maybe I'll prepare a lecture on it for my colleagues and educate them a bit.....animal welfare is my usual subject, but I can adapt!!!!

Best go. I'm spending my day being busy so that I can avoid thinking about wednesday (my diagnosis day) too much. I think that the dog is going to get a lot of exercise today!

Have a good day all!

[anthony]

Good stuff.... yer, your on the right track thats for certain. I do the same thing when starting to get anxious about an upcoming event... keep myself as busy as possible, otherwise I think too much.

It is really quite amusing to me now, when people here that I get physically sick from a mental illness. Sometimes my wife may have to come home from work and look after baby, as if I get really bad, my body literally shuts itself down, and I must go to bed and rest the brain through sleep, or else the body doesn't switch on again. Her bosses just sort of give her that look... but don't say anything to her about it as such. They probably wouldn't want to in all honestly, otherwise I would go in their and most likely hurt someone... which wouldn't be a good outcome for all concerned.

The funnier thing for me at times, is not even my wife really understands how I get physically sick from PTSD... she just knows I do, but with little real understanding, because if you don't have it, you can't fully understand it. This is whats really great about talking with those with PTSD, as we all just know what is going on, and I dare say others that pop along to this place for a read, most likely fall over in shock, and some probably think "bullshit", that can't happen.

[madjon]

dont worry too much about diagnosis, it is good in the sense that yes you now know it officially, which is better than wondering at times,also has the advantage of allowing you if neccesary to claim a range of benefits including income support, disability living allowance and various other things, so if you do need time out then there is something to fall back on, it would be worked out by a few interviews, also ptsd is classed as a disability which falls under the disability discrimination at work regulations, am seriously stressed out at moment which is starting to have an effec on me physically, at times it can be tough to deal with but talk to the person at the interview in an honest open fashion, there are a few good people out there.

[piglet]

Thanks Madjon - it's nice to have a bit of reassurance. Feeling a bit pissed off right now. Just got back from viewing a doc report that is getting sent to occupational health. Just seeing things like "concerned about mental health" and "not a short term health issue" has got me worried about my job. Also it's not very nice about the way my employer has been treating me. Ok, it's true they have been arseholes, but I still like my job. Also worried that they are going to tell me to move off-site as part of my job comes with a flat. I have nowhere else to go. All this is not good for the anxiety levels. Have the shakes real bad today too - not sure if it's me, or if it's the meds. Grrrrrr!

I'm hoping that wednesday is going to be a helpful day. Not sure I can deal with it if they just judge me without properly speaking to me. I don't even know if occ health are going to speak to me about all this before they send their report to my employer. I hate this lack of control of what's happening to me.

[Kerrie-Ann]

Hey Piglet,

Kerrie-Ann -Anthony's wife. Sounds like you are having a rough deal at the moment. Anthony has experienced people writing reports about him, without him sighting it and he wasn't happy.........I don't think that is necessarily exclusive to PTSD........I would be pi$%%ed off too!! You have mentioned before that you are concerned about your job and that accommodation comes with it. Are there alternatives that you may be able to consider? Hard to think straight now but if you could find some alternatives for accn and work it would give you back some of the control if it all goes to custard. Is you job portable, can you do it in a less stressful environment AND with more understanding employers? Also can you speak with Occ Health and see if it is possible to view the report before your employer? That would put you at least in a better position to handle whatever they have in mind. As for the shakes, Anthony used to get his version of those - the jiggles, he would and still does sometimes when he is anxious move one part of his body continuously. Usually, jigging his leg up and down. Drives me nuts but I just live with it now. Don't mean to load you up with more things to think about, you seem snowballed as it is.

Hang in there. I know, from an outsiders point of view, that it gets tough. See if you can get back some of your control and do the things that make you feel good - even if you don't feel like doing them!! Take care.

[piglet]

Thanks Kerrie-Ann. I'm a nervous wreck today - really want tomorrow to be over with. I'll deal with the work situation as it develops. It's all too much to think about properly at the moment, so I'm just trying to look after myself. I think it's going to be a long night, but the ipod is charged, I have lots of chocolate and my dog for company. I'll let you know how I get on.

[anthony]

You hang in their Piglet... it gets easier, trust me on that one.

[Kerrie-Ann]

Hey there Piglet,

Good strategy. Deal with what you can first! I suspect that although it is quite a scary prospect that you may actually be diagnosed with PTSD, it could also be a good thing. Like a few of them have mentioned here at least then you have something concrete to work with and you can move forward from there.

I like the chocolate and the dog approach as well......two of my very favourite things in the world. When I do eventually get my dogs, one of them will be a chocolate labrador - can't beat that, they are combined!! Well hang in there, vent here if you need to and let us know how you get on.

Take care, thinking of you, hear from you soon.

[piglet]

Feel like that was a complete waste of time! I was waiting for 45 mins, only in there for 15 minutes. Got asked lots of questions, but could get no straight answers. Apparently I have lots of the symptoms of ptsd, but because there is no way of telling how I was before my trauma, and the fact that I suffered extended trauma (age 4/5 to 18 when I finally managed to leave home for good), rather than a single event, the woman said it's NOT ptsd. However, I am being referred to a trauma counsellor for a 30 session course of therapy - there is a 10 month waiting list for this though (I'll just sit and go crazy while I wait....) So, I have suffered trauma, and we are now 12 years past the end of that trauma - hence the "post" trauma bit. I can't cope with stress like "normal" people, so one could say I had a stress disorder. Sorry about the tone people, but feeling very sarcastic.

Have already done therapy every week for three years before, but still ended back at square 1 after only 18 months, so how's 30 sessions going to help? Feeling very disappointed, as I was hoping for some answers, or at least some idea of how I can sort myself out enough to get back to work part-time. I guess my expectations were a bit too high.

Oh - she recommended I read a book called Understanding childhood trauma. Had it for years along with several others, and it's not one of the better ones. Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery is the best I've come across so far in helping me understand things. Trouble is, it doesn't matter how many books and websites I read, I still can't manage! Any of you guys know some good ptsd/trauma books?

Anyway, guess the next step is to wait and see what the GP and Oc Health say. Meantime, I'm still twiddling my thumbs, tapping fingers and jiggling feet while my colleagues think I'm skiving. Joy. Going for a long walk with the dog, so maybe I'll stamp out some of this angry stuff...

[Sunrise]

Hi Piglet,
My 10 cents worth.
Try not to fear the diagnosis. It is only their opinion. If you are diagnosed as having PTSD it is not going to make you any different. What ever symptoms you have now you will have then.
A diagnosis of PTSD might help to lead you to therapy that works.
PTSD can come about as easily from ongoing situations as from single events and the effects can be just as bad. Bear in mind that PTSD was not proclaimed as a condition till 1980. How many wars, accidents assaults were there before that? And if you have been through trauma(s) and are later affected by them, then that is the reality and you deserve help with it whatever it gets called by someone who does a diagnosis.

I would hate to see you wait out a waiting list like that. There has gotta be someone who can help. Try a different doctor for a referral, find some others who have been down this road, strike out on your own if you have to be but find someone what can give you real help. It may not be the first person you try. If you have been at it with one person for this long and you feel you are no better, I would be looking elsewhere. Some people get therapy form many quarters before they discover someone who can give real help.
And please be aware, while this is hell on wheels, lost of people hold down responsible jobs with PTSD, but I can’t imagine doing it without support from a capable party while you are doing it.

Say with it mate, and stay in touch.
Love and support for the journey.

[anthony]

Yep, you beat me too it Sunrise. Thanks.

Its unfortunate Piglet that the specific doctor you went to hasn't diagnosed you if you do actually have PTSD. The person you have been giving your deepest darket secrets in counselling for years, who says you do have PTSD, is probably the more knowledgable on your particular matter.

The first diagnosis means nothing, and I will give you my personal example and those of very close friends around me who have PTSD, and the problems associated with diagnosis. I should have told you this before you went... my bad!

A civilian shrink employed by the Army didn't believe in PTSD. The reason for that, was that the shrink himself had PTSD, as he was an ex Vietnam Vet. He said everything was stress related to anyone who went to see him. I refused to see him, was forced, told him what I thought and didn't want to be their, and the conversation lasted a few seconds. I went to a specialist GP in PTSD, who knew I had it the moment he saw me. He referred me to another specialist shrink in PTSD, who also knew I had it the moment he saw me. No problems there...

When I went to do the PTSD course some year and a bit later, you must go through their shrink, who is supposed to be a PTSD specialist, though when I seen him, I was somewhat calmer and a little more educated and relaxed... thus he had to poke me a bit to even think I had PTSD.

Mine wasn't too much a drama. Now, for others who I have served with, these are real life events before being diagnosed.

One soldier of mine who was only new to the Army, deployed with me. He did things, and seen things as I had done. He didn't handle it very well at all on return, and slowly got worse over the course of a year. They thought he was mad actually. He was doing drugs, crime, bashing people in outbursts, going AWOL, and a long long list... they thought that locking him up would fix the problem. He seen doctors, so called shrinks that knew what they where doing, and they thought he had other mental illnesses, none of which he did. This continued, and he ended up in a nut house for some time, escaped from a maximum security nut house, before being caught and locked up in normal jail for crimes... This was not him... not even close... but it took all this before a shrink actually realized that he had PTSD, and they where treating him for the wrong problems. He is now very fine again today, on the right medications and being educated for the correct illness. Mind you, it took him a year or more of all this going on before they got it right.

Another friend of mine, same instances, seen the same as me, done similar things, been diagnosed with PTSD from one shrink, though is having problems getting compensation as the military shrinks don't believe he had PTSD at all, and was diagnosed incorrectly. Thus, this type of stuff around pushed him also to the point where PTSD was in full flight, and violence, pain and suffering to many occurred. It took this action, which was by no means deliberate, just a consequence of pathetic diagnosis and stuff around, they realized that maybe the first shrink got it right, and he did actually have PTSD. Anyway, the first doctor was the same one who diagnosed me correctly, as he has been dealing with PTSD for most of his shrink days, 20+ years, and he knows from just looking at you, and a quick chat whether you have PTSD.

I have many many more of these stories, from people who have been caught up in the red tape, and basically until PTSD pushed them to explosion, nothing was done to help them correctly.

From what I gather, some shrinks find it hard to diagnose someone with PTSD, because it is such a huge diagnosis to give a person, unlike other mental illnesses. They will often want you to see them more, go through programs and all the BS, just to see whether you get any better or not. Those who generally do not get better, get worse, and are those that normally have PTSD, as PTSD symptoms will push you to the point of frustration, which I sometimes wonder if that is what some of these doctors want.

It will get worse before it gets better, I have no doubt at all. I would honestly be seeking second and third opinions, and more to the point, ensure you have some sort of report from your counsellor who is the one saying you have PTSD. They will know more than a shrink in a first visit, unless that shrink is an absolute specialist in PTSD, and they know it like the back of their hand. They are few and far between. I was only lucky enough to have one, as I was in a purely military community, being Townsville, which is where most of the best support for these type of illnesses can be found.

I would do some homework on your shrinks, and ensure they are a good one that actually knows about PTSD, had dealt with it before, and your not exposing yourself to some newbie shrink who has never dealt with PTSD before. There are a lot around...

Everyone I actually know personally, who has been diagnosed with PTSD, was actually told by a counsellor who is qualified in dealing with the matter. Its just that they can't actually make the diagnosis, only the recommendation. I would have a supporting letter from your counsellor though, outlining what they believe from their experience with you, as that will help things along quicker, so you get the right treatment, and not stuffed around so much.

[anthony]

Hang in there, it does get better. If someone who knows what their doing with PTSD says you don't have it, then you may atleast find out what the problem is exactly... instead of just one diagnosis from a shrink that could have little idea or experience with PTSD itself.

[piglet]

Thanks for the advice. Had a little while to reflect on things, and think maybe I was just expecting too much from my appointment. I guess I'm still trying to cling on to the idea that there is a magic solution to it all - for example, being told "if you do this, then the nightmares will stop, you will be able to think straight and get back to normal life". Not much fun being faced with reality. Kind of puts the whole denial thing out of the window!

Having the pressure to go back to work doesn't help either, cos it makes me feel bad for not keeping everything under control. I'm having stupid ideas of going back to work - not cos I'm feeling better, but because it will get my employer off my back and i'll have something else to think about instead of driving myself crazy. Thing is, the whole reason I had to stop work was cos I couldn't think straight - i'd be trying to answer a student's question and keep getting unpleasant images instead of the information I was trying to remember. It was making me look like I didn't know my stuff, which kind of put me at a major disadvantage - didn't do much for my confidence either!

I keep coming back to the idea that if I just get a decent night's sleep with no nightmares, things would be so much better. That decent sleep is a real elusive bugger though.

Oh well, I guess these things are sent to try us. It'll get sorted eventually, I'm just short of patience at the moment.

[anthony]

Oh well, I guess these things are sent to try us. It'll get sorted eventually, I'm just short of patience at the moment.

Oh, you better believe it when it comes to PTSD and the initial stages of treatment and diagnosis. I was a mess during the process, getting bounced from doctor to doctor, having to see this person, that, then someone else for another bit, all just to tell me I had PTSD... I was ready to strangle someone at the end.

Hang tough... you can make it through this whole ordeal. See other doctors, get referrals, and keep all the counsellors and doctors you end up seeing in the same loop, so they can deal with things easier, which makes your life easier in the end.

[piglet]

Just had an "assertive discussion" with the GP. Wanted to sign me off for another 4 weeks! I eventually accepted 2 weeks with a note to say that a phased return to work could be considered. I'll now have to wait and see if work will give me a reasonable phased return or not - if not, then GP is going to make me stay off much longer.

I guess this is the right thing to do, as I know damn well that otherwise I will go back too soon - classic avoidance tactics. It will only end in tears, or worse.

GP has also sent a stroppy letter to occupational health. They want more details, GP says they have enough info (work is gossip central, so I'm not keen for them to have more info than absolutely necessary). A comment was also made about two oc health letters coming from 2 different docs - on top of that, both were signed by the secretary in doctor's absence! How's that for continuity and confidentiality?

Still no proper diagnosis either. I know it won't make much difference to me and how I feel, but it irritated me somewhat when a colleague said "we've got 4 people off now - you and 3 others will proper illness" I asked why I was in a separate category and was answered "well, your just off with stress aren't you?". I wish I could say 'I have xyz... go look it up'.

Don't we all wish we had "proper illnessess"?!

[piglet]

Have just sent an e-mail off to a specialist trauma centre. It's about an hour's drive from where I live. It's damn expensive and I can't really afford to go there for therapy, but maybe they can give me some advice on how to balance symptoms with work. Otherwise, I'm going to end up muddling through for the next 10 months, or however long it takes to get help on the NHS. I'm also thinking that even when my case gets passed onto a therapist, I might not get on with them, and then I'll have to wait even longer for someone different.

Why is it so damn hard to get some help? Sorry - feeling like throwing my teddy out of the pram!!

[anthony]

Its actually not... its just our symptoms give us little to no patience in these matters. The health system has always been this way, its just made worse when you ad PTSD to the equation. What seemed like a bearable wait, now isn't. I actually leave appointments now if I'm waiting for half an hour past the scheduled time, and silly things like that. Sometime I continue and just never go back, sometimes I slap myself around, wake up and realize that this is normal... and I'm not the most important person to be seen.