Shit, this is wearing me down. There was once a time when I hoped that my reactions/symptoms would settle down. Go away. I'm still fighting this like hell. It pisses me off. Instead here I am. Hope is fading away or maybe it's the fight in me fading. Who knows. I wish there was a stop button. I want to run away. I want to get in my car and drive until I can't drive anymore. I don't know why this makes me feel better but it does. But, I can't. SO here I am pounding on this keyboard, for what I'm not sure.
My mind is spinning in so many directions for this day alone. I want him here. I don't want him here. I need someone here. What the f. do I want? I'm not so convinced that being in this relationship has made the triggers/symptoms worse. At times I'm ok. Then others, it hits me like a train. Like this morning. I'm doing things in this relationship that I don't want to do, but hell I'm doing them anyway. Knowing damn well this is doing more harm than good when I do them. Knowing that being close to someone triggers so many things but at the same time it is a comfort to know that someone would be there if I'm at the end of my rope. I'm so confused.
At one time I'm not even sure of who I'm with again. Scared as hell. Then shutting down, crying, wanting to hide, wanting run, nauseated and extremely disappointed in myself again. Everything is so twisted for me. I really have a hard time dealing with the day in day out triggers. Why I didn't stick to my no dating rule. I don't know. The sad part about it is. Being close to someone triggers so many bad things that happened in my marriage. Everything was so twisted. Anything good was a result of something bad. Then good until I felt comfortable and safe again. Then bad.
My mind is spinning in so many directions for this day alone. I want him here. I don't want him here. I need someone here. What the f. do I want? I'm not so convinced that being in this relationship has made the triggers/symptoms worse. At times I'm ok. Then others, it hits me like a train. Like this morning. I'm doing things in this relationship that I don't want to do, but hell I'm doing them anyway. Knowing damn well this is doing more harm than good when I do them. Knowing that being close to someone triggers so many things but at the same time it is a comfort to know that someone would be there if I'm at the end of my rope. I'm so confused.
At one time I'm not even sure of who I'm with again. Scared as hell. Then shutting down, crying, wanting to hide, wanting run, nauseated and extremely disappointed in myself again. Everything is so twisted for me. I really have a hard time dealing with the day in day out triggers. Why I didn't stick to my no dating rule. I don't know. The sad part about it is. Being close to someone triggers so many bad things that happened in my marriage. Everything was so twisted. Anything good was a result of something bad. Then good until I felt comfortable and safe again. Then bad.
November 2 2007
Posted 06-11-2007 at 03:11 PM by KT229
Nope, I can't lie. Been avoiding this website, the book and my offline trauma diary for awhile. Give me a couple of good days and I'm back in denial. Took a few bad for me to return. I guess I was stupid enough to think that a couple of days with no symptoms meant miracle cure? Not a chance. Then, well then I get to fight through the not this shit again. Nope. Not me. Not me. yep, it's not going to go away. To bad I don't have a delete button hard wired to my brain. If I did it would be wore out by now. So here I am. I've read a few posts. Posted. and well just sitting here wondering how people that have dealt with this for years even find the energy to keep dealing with it. I'm definetly back to the fighting of this is not me... mainly because I don't want it to be. But tough, huh.
I don't know if the fight is more about me not wanting to be this way or me not wanting enough not to be.
So, still in a relationship. He said the three most upsetting words he could say. " i love you". Yep mark this down in the book for one of my triggers!
What "I love you" means to me...
I'm sorry, but not really I'm just saying that so you'll stay in this relationship. Even through I've been a complete ass.
I'm going to do something that is going to hurt you, but I'll say this first so you'll be confused and not know what to make of it.
I want something... that well, I know I shouldn't want but I'll say this first so you won't mind.
I know I shouldn't have pushed you down; but you made me so mad... you know that I love you and that's why I did it.
Those three little words always came after something bad. You think after hearing them so many times I would have figured out that he was just manipulating me. Well. I did, after I had him arrested. I could start to see the pattern in it all. And I thought I could predict the future. And most of the time I could. Most of the time I did everything I possible could to avoid it. Compliant, submissive, non-confrontational.
yep. i love you.
Ok so this is what I heard for thirteen years. Thinking back I'm trying to remember of a time when he said it that wasn't associated with me convincing me to stay or trying to undue something he had done. I'm sure there was a few times. Wasn't there? When I hear these words I feel ... hmmm.... scared, confused, sad, angry, doubtful, manipulated, trapped. Somehow I don't think this is how I'm supposed to feel. But I do. I want to run away. It hurts to hear those words and scares me just as much.
What the heck was I thinking when I decided that a relationship with anyone could even be a remotely good idea. Oh, yes. I know I let my guard down. I should have stayed with the absolutely no, not in your life, never gonna happen, never be alone with a man again, don't date, no lunch, no nothing plan. But I couldn't; he had been a good friend for quite some time and I thought he needed me. So what could a lunch or two hurt. I think he's a good man. I don't know. I know that there were a couple of times that I know he was the knot at the end of my rope. How romantic. He doesn't know it, but he was.
Anyway, being in any relationship for me is not easy. This one, is no exception.
I don't know if the fight is more about me not wanting to be this way or me not wanting enough not to be.
So, still in a relationship. He said the three most upsetting words he could say. " i love you". Yep mark this down in the book for one of my triggers!
What "I love you" means to me...
I'm sorry, but not really I'm just saying that so you'll stay in this relationship. Even through I've been a complete ass.
I'm going to do something that is going to hurt you, but I'll say this first so you'll be confused and not know what to make of it.
I want something... that well, I know I shouldn't want but I'll say this first so you won't mind.
I know I shouldn't have pushed you down; but you made me so mad... you know that I love you and that's why I did it.
Those three little words always came after something bad. You think after hearing them so many times I would have figured out that he was just manipulating me. Well. I did, after I had him arrested. I could start to see the pattern in it all. And I thought I could predict the future. And most of the time I could. Most of the time I did everything I possible could to avoid it. Compliant, submissive, non-confrontational.
yep. i love you.
Ok so this is what I heard for thirteen years. Thinking back I'm trying to remember of a time when he said it that wasn't associated with me convincing me to stay or trying to undue something he had done. I'm sure there was a few times. Wasn't there? When I hear these words I feel ... hmmm.... scared, confused, sad, angry, doubtful, manipulated, trapped. Somehow I don't think this is how I'm supposed to feel. But I do. I want to run away. It hurts to hear those words and scares me just as much.
What the heck was I thinking when I decided that a relationship with anyone could even be a remotely good idea. Oh, yes. I know I let my guard down. I should have stayed with the absolutely no, not in your life, never gonna happen, never be alone with a man again, don't date, no lunch, no nothing plan. But I couldn't; he had been a good friend for quite some time and I thought he needed me. So what could a lunch or two hurt. I think he's a good man. I don't know. I know that there were a couple of times that I know he was the knot at the end of my rope. How romantic. He doesn't know it, but he was.
Anyway, being in any relationship for me is not easy. This one, is no exception.
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