Shit, this is wearing me down. There was once a time when I hoped that my reactions/symptoms would settle down. Go away. I'm still fighting this like hell. It pisses me off. Instead here I am. Hope is fading away or maybe it's the fight in me fading. Who knows. I wish there was a stop button. I want to run away. I want to get in my car and drive until I can't drive anymore. I don't know why this makes me feel better but it does. But, I can't. SO here I am pounding on this keyboard, for what I'm not sure.
My mind is spinning in so many directions for this day alone. I want him here. I don't want him here. I need someone here. What the f. do I want? I'm not so convinced that being in this relationship has made the triggers/symptoms worse. At times I'm ok. Then others, it hits me like a train. Like this morning. I'm doing things in this relationship that I don't want to do, but hell I'm doing them anyway. Knowing damn well this is doing more harm than good when I do them. Knowing that being close to someone triggers so many things but at the same time it is a comfort to know that someone would be there if I'm at the end of my rope. I'm so confused.
At one time I'm not even sure of who I'm with again. Scared as hell. Then shutting down, crying, wanting to hide, wanting run, nauseated and extremely disappointed in myself again. Everything is so twisted for me. I really have a hard time dealing with the day in day out triggers. Why I didn't stick to my no dating rule. I don't know. The sad part about it is. Being close to someone triggers so many bad things that happened in my marriage. Everything was so twisted. Anything good was a result of something bad. Then good until I felt comfortable and safe again. Then bad.
My mind is spinning in so many directions for this day alone. I want him here. I don't want him here. I need someone here. What the f. do I want? I'm not so convinced that being in this relationship has made the triggers/symptoms worse. At times I'm ok. Then others, it hits me like a train. Like this morning. I'm doing things in this relationship that I don't want to do, but hell I'm doing them anyway. Knowing damn well this is doing more harm than good when I do them. Knowing that being close to someone triggers so many things but at the same time it is a comfort to know that someone would be there if I'm at the end of my rope. I'm so confused.
At one time I'm not even sure of who I'm with again. Scared as hell. Then shutting down, crying, wanting to hide, wanting run, nauseated and extremely disappointed in myself again. Everything is so twisted for me. I really have a hard time dealing with the day in day out triggers. Why I didn't stick to my no dating rule. I don't know. The sad part about it is. Being close to someone triggers so many bad things that happened in my marriage. Everything was so twisted. Anything good was a result of something bad. Then good until I felt comfortable and safe again. Then bad.
November 5, 2007
Posted 08-11-2007 at 08:43 AM by KT229
Even the thought of the upcoming holidays and the trip home makes me feel nauseated. I'm having a hard time even typing what today has been like.
I'm not sure what to do. I've always been afraid that if I ever started dealing with the past I would have a breakdown I couldn't recover from. I still want to pretend that this isn't affecting everything I do. But it does. I'm trying to stay busy. It helps a little. I'm fighting the urge just to sit or not do anything at all. Even though the memories are intrusive, disruptive, and makes it almost impossible to concentrate. Stopping for even a moment; the feeling of not being able to keep it together, feeling sick at my stomach and dizzy gets worse.
Last night it happened again. I had a hard time remembering who I was with. It seemed like forever but I'm sure it only lasted a few minutes or so. I had to really try to process who I was with.
I'm still trying to work and read through the book. Writing my traumas offline for right now since my mind seems to go from one to the next and back again. It's hard to focus on one.
I need to figure out how I'm going to get through the holiday exchange. Maybe I'm making this harder than it should be.
I'm not sure what to do. I've always been afraid that if I ever started dealing with the past I would have a breakdown I couldn't recover from. I still want to pretend that this isn't affecting everything I do. But it does. I'm trying to stay busy. It helps a little. I'm fighting the urge just to sit or not do anything at all. Even though the memories are intrusive, disruptive, and makes it almost impossible to concentrate. Stopping for even a moment; the feeling of not being able to keep it together, feeling sick at my stomach and dizzy gets worse.
Last night it happened again. I had a hard time remembering who I was with. It seemed like forever but I'm sure it only lasted a few minutes or so. I had to really try to process who I was with.
I'm still trying to work and read through the book. Writing my traumas offline for right now since my mind seems to go from one to the next and back again. It's hard to focus on one.
I need to figure out how I'm going to get through the holiday exchange. Maybe I'm making this harder than it should be.
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