Even the thought of the upcoming holidays and the trip home makes me feel nauseated. I'm having a hard time even typing what today has been like.

I'm not sure what to do. I've always been afraid that if I ever started dealing with the past I would have a breakdown I couldn't recover from. I still want to pretend that this isn't affecting everything I do. But it does. I'm trying to stay busy. It helps a little. I'm fighting the urge just to sit or not do anything at all. Even though the memories are intrusive, disruptive, and makes it almost impossible to concentrate. Stopping for even a moment; the feeling of not being able to keep it together, feeling sick at my stomach and dizzy gets worse.

Last night it happened again. I had a hard time remembering who I was with. It seemed like forever but I'm sure it only lasted a few minutes or so. I had to really try to process who I was with.

I'm still trying to work and read through the book. Writing my traumas offline for right now since my mind seems to go from one to the next and back again. It's hard to focus on one.

I need to figure out how I'm going to get through the holiday exchange. Maybe I'm making this harder than it should be.

KT229

Nope, I can't lie. Been avoiding this website, the book and my offline trauma diary for awhile. Give me a couple of good days and I'm back in denial. Took a few bad for me to return. I guess I was stupid enough to think that a couple of days with no symptoms meant miracle cure? Not a chance. Then, well then I get to fight through the not this shit again. Nope. Not me. Not me. yep, it's not going to go away. To bad I don't have a delete button hard wired to my brain. If I did it would be wore out by now. So here I am. I've read a few posts. Posted. and well just sitting here wondering how people that have dealt with this for years even find the energy to keep dealing with it. I'm definetly back to the fighting of this is not me... mainly because I don't want it to be. But tough, huh.

I don't know if the fight is more about me not wanting to be this way or me not wanting enough not to be.

So, still in a relationship. He said the three most upsetting words he could say. " i love you". Yep mark this down in the book for one of my triggers!

What "I love you" means to me...

I'm sorry, but not really I'm just saying that so you'll stay in this relationship. Even through I've been a complete ass.

I'm going to do something that is going to hurt you, but I'll say this first so you'll be confused and not know what to make of it.

I want something... that well, I know I shouldn't want but I'll say this first so you won't mind.

I know I shouldn't have pushed you down; but you made me so mad... you know that I love you and that's why I did it.

Those three little words always came after something bad. You think after hearing them so many times I would have figured out that he was just manipulating me. Well. I did, after I had him arrested. I could start to see the pattern in it all. And I thought I could predict the future. And most of the time I could. Most of the time I did everything I possible could to avoid it. Compliant, submissive, non-confrontational.

yep. i love you.

Ok so this is what I heard for thirteen years. Thinking back I'm trying to remember of a time when he said it that wasn't associated with me convincing me to stay or trying to undue something he had done. I'm sure there was a few times. Wasn't there? When I hear these words I feel ... hmmm.... scared, confused, sad, angry, doubtful, manipulated, trapped. Somehow I don't think this is how I'm supposed to feel. But I do. I want to run away. It hurts to hear those words and scares me just as much.

What the heck was I thinking when I decided that a relationship with anyone could even be a remotely good idea. Oh, yes. I know I let my guard down. I should have stayed with the absolutely no, not in your life, never gonna happen, never be alone with a man again, don't date, no lunch, no nothing plan. But I couldn't; he had been a good friend for quite some time and I thought he needed me. So what could a lunch or two hurt. I think he's a good man. I don't know. I know that there were a couple of times that I know he was the knot at the end of my rope. How romantic. He doesn't know it, but he was.

Anyway, being in any relationship for me is not easy. This one, is no exception.

KT229