WOOOOOOOO - WE CAN POST AGAIN...BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY...right?

Been under a lot of stress lately.

Moved to my new position. Had to harangue AS to get my computer to my new desk. Okay...you moved my stuff, but you leave my computer...the thing that I use over and above everything else.

Because I needed my stuffed Eeyore post-haste.

Anyway, got that settled.

The second thing...I was trying to figure out with my therapist why in the world I was feeling the way I was about my transition. It's not as if I haven't been through this whole thing with my voice before. It's just...I'm not good with change.

Oh, I'm great with it on the surface...everything for the best, I just want to help the team.

But underneath the smile, I'm scared to death.
To death.

To. death.

And I have to admit, I learned about myself. For all my spiritual searching and wanting to be a saint (it's in my TD), and be the good girl -- I have an ego. A bigger one than I imagined. I'm learning about humility by taking a position that is "beneath" my former one...to preserve my health and help me while I get my voice back. I realize I'm not being punished, but I think I'm going through a form of culture shock right how and it hit me right square in the middle of my chest yesterday morning.

But the ego thing...that still bothers me. It bothers me because I was raised (and had experiences that emphasized) not to think much of myself or think of myself at all. Everything is for everyone else. Do for others about yourself. Give to others above yourself.
Others matter more than you do.

But when I really thought about the fact that I care more about what other people think than I let on, I investigated further.

The messages I'd been getting: my old team was going to miss me (personally, I think it's more to do with the fact that I did many of the things they didn't like doing since I was off the phone, but I think I'm being a little cynical there), the fact that my new department actually wanted me there, that my new boss is happy to have me, that I've had at least 10 people tell me so far that they are glad to have the help and glad that I'm here...

I think it's that I'm just not as aware of how others see me as I think I am. That's partially my standards for personal interaction (I don't particularly like other people, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to pull my weight and help others out) but a big part of it is my negative sense of self...and the fact that I'd been conditioned that thinking about myself as a being apart from "doing for others" is a no-no.

Hmmm....