Hi all, I have already posted my pitiful story in the introductions and have spent the last few days viewing this site as an outsider. To tell you the truth I don't even remember writing my story, but that seems to be typical of my life these days. There seems to be alot of days I don't remember. I have had a fairly decent couple of days worked for 2 of them, which I don't complain about because I am fortunate that I am still able to work. I still can't get rested I feel like the last time that I slept was years ago, Meds to sleep only help so much. The nightmares seem to be more real and now I see things happening in them that I don't rember ever happening. Oh well I guess that is something to bring up with my doc tomorrow.

Hey Mouse there is nothing pitiful about what happened to you, I can't imagine finding ones parent like that. The main thing is you are taking control of things. Memory seems to be a big thing with this, I even forget to write things down so I wont forget.

Mouse, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, because the job you do, puts you in the firing line to see the worst of life itself. The car accidents, pulling bodies off roads, etc etc. I dare say that the incident you mentioned in regard to your father, really has nothing to do with your actual PTSD itself, but more was the one that sparked the flame, or the catalyst as such. In emergency roles, police, fire, etc, PTSD has often began to form a long time ago, often within the first couple of years. Some develop PTSD itself, some do not. That is one of the hidden secrets still at present, which some clever doctors with some pride in healing humans are working upon for us.

Mouse, generally in the case of your type of work, the road to healing is a long journey, because you will have so many memories off attending traumatic scenes, the lists are often extensive. So as farmer said above, certainly not pitiful at all. You should give yourself more credit for the type of work you do, the things you do, because you deserve that recognition, especially from yourself.

Mouse, what you can tell me about the dreams? Are they from accident / incident scenes? The remembering part is two fold, in that what we see at the time, and what actually is caught by our eyes and immediately stored in our minds, are two different things. The second aspect is that PTSD itself, and our minds, often go adding bits and pieces into our already horrific lists of trauma, because it rebuilds stories for us, in that it uses this to help gain momentum over us, for our mind to win and PTSD succeed.

Thank you both, I know that I am a Bit hard on myself, But that is the nature of my job, many still believe that asking or needing help is a sign of weakness, and an indication that you are not fit for your job.

Anthony you are probably right that this is a deep seated problem and that finally triggered by the incident. As for the dreams they vary from very vivid replaying of that night to previous calls that I have done, some of the most alarming dreams seem to have nothing to do with past events but are more related to horrible, tragic and fatal incidents to my friends and family. As for the dreams/ flashbacks now there is sound I hear and see the incidents and for some I know focus somewhat more on the survivors, and its more like I am looking down on the incidents, seeing both me and my actions and others.

One of the worst things of all of this is I also have a Chronic immune-suppressant disease that has been in remission for years and is now beginning to rear its ugly head again. When it rains it pours.

Bingo! At a rough guess, your work is well counselled afterwards, or ongoing, though this still doesn't make the memories go away, it just helps you deal with them. Now, because of your line of work, you may well off been able to get through an entire life of attending traumatic scenes without repercussion to yourself, if it wasn't for that more emotional factor we have with family and friends. You work would be predisposing you as such to PTSD, though it should not develop as such until such a time as a friend or family is involved, then that is where the predisposition has created the weakness within the brain to allow PTSD to fully form.

The problem now though, is that because PTSD has formed, you have to start at the worst memory and work your way back, because incidents that have no immediate bearing or relevance to the loss of a family or friend, could have similar circumstances, hence the associated dreams of non-associated events. It really is just a common occurrence within the emergency services field to see people develop PTSD from normal life losses, because you have been exposed to abnormal one's constantly with your job, yet they hold no real relevance or emotional attachment. The moment you introduce a family or friend though, even under normal life loss, they are just the emotional catalyst your mind needed to fully develop PTSD, as your brain was really just in waiting as such already. Some emergency service workers will get it on the job, from the job, but generally it will be something like a small child, or baby even, that they have kept alive for hours within a car wreck, then just as the fire crew get them loose, they lose the life they just struggled for hours to save, and with such innocence attached surrounding babies and toddlers, that can often either form the PTSD or cement the predisposition into the brain, just waiting for a catalyst to give it the final fuel needed.

What does this entail mouse? I am not familiar with it, hence why I am curious.

[One of the worst things of all of this is I also have a Chronic immune-suppressant disease that has been in remission for years and is now beginning to rear its ugly head again. When it rains it pours.]

Hey Mouse, does Canada have anything like a family medical leave program? We have it here in the States and it isn't a paid leave, but it does hold your job for you while you take time off for medical reasons.

I have MS and currently, I am going through a flare right now I have no sensation in my lower extremities and when I do it is just pain that I feel, The thing is, that while painful, annoying and alarming it is not debilitating and could be an indication of my new normal. This last tour at work was one of the most stressful I have had in a while I had an exposure, and now get to go through all the tests, while I have little worry that my patient is, or was infected with anything, Having a little one at home brings everything to a new perspective.

I could take a leave based on both stress and medical and it would be paid at 3/4 of my normal take home but, I feel if I didn't have work I would just continue to deteriorate more and more each day, as bad as it sounds as long as others need me I can focus somewhat more on them than myself, I know that my family should be my first priority, and they are but I don't know if I could continue to hold it together and function if I allowed my self to take time , I think it would just escalate things. I don't know its a warped outlook and not overly healthy but, this is my struggle.

I don't think your outlook is warped mouse, actually quite logical in essence. It is the same as we age, in that if we stop our minds get bored, so we die. Those who keep their mind and body active in retirement, live much longer. We stop, we die. I can understand your outlook, and really only see it as commonsense. You do what is best for you mouse, and that is what matters. The only time you would need to step back, is if it isn't working for you.