Hey magicbus,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some solace here because it sounds like it has been one s%^t journey so far. Take care.

Hi Magic Bus and Welcome! I too Thank God for having found this forum. Hey your son found this site for you. Wow what an awesome gift.

I'm the youngest of 3 girls and we too did exactly this...grew up in daily terror of which horror was going to happen to anyone or all of us on any given day.

Neither did I Magic Bus, neither did I ever see a normal family life. And boy, wow, I remember those days when police did little to nothing. Mom had called them to tell them that my father was roaming around our house bragging and speaking derangedly while wielding his butcher knives and stating many horrible things. Oh and the cops they came once and took his knives away only to return them to him the following day and apologize. With the size of him, and his other interests he didn't need his knives anyways to beat, threaten and terrorize our lives. And, that's exactly it, "unless they saw it happening." And, so though we were terrorized somewhat differently at times. Teror is terror ...and even that word doesn't really communicate the full truth. It's more like petrified stiff.

...And, though your trauma may have manifested itself, somewhat differently, it still very similar in that it's aim is complete destruction of self, mind & body, and ultimately life. I can identify with catatonic states of mind, uncontrollable trembling, shaking and jerking of arms, seizure activity, inabilities and lack of desire to eat, walk or talk, ...or even if I managed to start, stricken with the inability to continue. ie. ..vomiting, falling over, and withdrawing within myself, into some of the most isolated, lonely, black f'n places in my mind. And certainly, suicidal ideation, homicidal thought and temptations and temp. institutionalization.

Very little of this is true of me today. Well, the 'isolated, alienated, lonely, black f'n places of mind are still quite possible.'

It's been suggested to me that I might feel worse in my healing from the trauma than I did during the actual trauma. And, perhaps this is true. However, Nothing, and I mean nothing could feel worse to me than the helpless & hopeless living with uncontrolled PTSD and my trauma begging and attempting to claw its way out of me at all cost, ...and, I'd just keep responding, no, No, NO, NO! Absolutely Not! No f'n way! Your staying put and that's that, or else. My fear always: I'll end up misdiagnosed and perm. instit. Magic Bus, if you haven't already noticed I'm intent. sharing my HTG exp. to let you know you're not alone. OTOH, it's uncomfortable, but I want to do this anyhow bc I know WTF you're talking about.

Your story was very difficult for me to read, I couldn't even complete it in one sitting and cried throughout. And, yet I welcome it, bc I just love truth being exposed and set free. When of course it's safe. And, it's all safe right here in this forum. I trust this, and I've seldom trusted a whole heck of a lot. Yeah, I'm pretty serious, intense, honest, and think deeply. Everybody I know says this describes me...oh' well that's me.

There's very little simple about me and I do apologize if my welcome is rather lengthy. LOL

Magic Bus the only secrets I've found are continuing willingness and perserverance, as well as honesty, (in and under) most conditions.