Hubs just left again and asked if I am going to work. Never mind that monday he just didnt bother. This after last night when he drove off with me and dog knocking on passenger door. He sure likes my money just not me. If I am still here mentally tommorow we will find out just how much my making money means to tis sixteen acre farm.

I have not lost my job, called in to ask if I could have leave of absence. Turns out I still have sick time left. before I have to take leave. two months for 5 to 10 years. Asked me if they could help I said no Have appointment scheduled already at mental heath clinic. Told me I was up for disipline as not called in in two days. I said I know as three years union steward fighting same woman I was taking with. Ironic I know. Job is not gone just yet. Hubs is gone I know that this is alone battle. I just have to do. No choice.

Joanna, that's great that you still have that job!

It's unfortunate what you are going through with hubby... but that's a whole different battle.

Right now you need to concentrate on yourself, and healing!

I am so interested right now to see true faces. Send me your face and I will send you mine...No butt cracks Anthoony only real people.
I need real people right about now

Joanna, are you going to just take charge of your money and secure it from your husband? If this is all he seems to be after lately, then that would possibly be a smart idea!!!

thanks Anthony have been on the money issue for weeks now. It is secure. comp nurse told me I have at least nine weeks sick pay before I have to take leave of absence. WOW I said, Then friend called today on his friendship and bisexual bipolar wife. Same friend I reamed out yesterday, He opened up whole life in three hour phone call. I care about him and wife. wife lives in same city as my boys and we do relate there. Doc sposed to call today but haven't heard back yet. She is same age as me and takes care of all meminights nights in the area. Because of doc shortage I think she is working 70 plus hours a week. Has been my doc twenty years and was there when both my parents left this world. Still an emotional problem between us.

Why do you feel the need to see when you can feel? My nic is obvious, so you know how I will respond. But curious as this is a new one for me.

That's a really good question. I guess feeling, trapped, alone, and having so many turned against me, or just not know how to handle me,
I thought seeing new faces would help having trouble uploading the farm pics anyway. I know I have to face feelings, and actions but this bout with PTSD is not going away. Usually I can pull myself out but this time it just has such a tight hold on me. I really can't see the way out, don't know how to get it together.
Yes I am really agoriphobic right now. Severly depressed. Socially phobic, fighting off the panic attacks and occasionally binge out of my own anger and frustration of hubs antics.
I want my happy strong life back. Really so hard for me to trust and open up to people. Always seem to screw it up. Yes afraid of own feelings right now.

When I had my total recall ten years ago on the sexual attacks. Finding the feeling me 'the child' it was just horrible and I was alone through it and kids had to suffer through it with me. Months of flashbacks, crying, med mixups. I was so angry for such a long time. I called all my siblings I needed to know if I was only abused by dad. I was and noone believed me. Some do now but not then. Told one sister if I was making it up why wouldn't I make up a good life. She believes me now. Only one that will talk with me besides neice.

Second round was when mom dying 3 yrs. ago and noone would help me to care for her but they had no problems critisizing. At the end about three weeks before she died cancer was hitting her brain and she was just beggining to get delusional. I had fixed latch on her bedroom door to keep dog from bugging her and she panicked as could not get out of her room to go to bathroom 3:00am. Tryed to calm her but she freaked into the next day. I knew her brain wasn't right so called ambulance to come for her next day. I told her I had called the ambulance about 10:00am and her exact words were "you proper bitch, I'll fix you." She lied to the ambulance drivers and she had called police to have me kicked out. I fought with police and ambulance trying to explain cancer was going to her brain and she could not be left alone. She also told them I had drank a whole twelve of beer which was outright lie maybe hallucination. I had had two that morning as was shaking so bad. Cops told me to drive home, and at the time I said I would not drive when I had had two beers, still fighting on front lawn with them to say she needed to be in hospital and could not be left alone. So as they deemed her fit anyway. I got a cruiser ride home.
When I got home I got the call about charges that had been laid on son. Had to find him and tell him to come home and turn self in which he did do immediately.
I called my sisters and told them I would not return to mom's house and that they had to take over couldn't handle her. Was furious
Wanted to tell her badly about sex abuse by dad and others. Never did though protected her till the end. Within a week her brain really went. by second week they put her in hospital. She was talking to imaginary people and the end of her bed and did not recognize anyone. Saw her just once in the hospital and did not go to the funeral. Went when they [family]spread ashes.
Just could not cry and siblings and children all resented me for it. Never mind I had taken care of mom and dad 15yrs and they would never come to visit her willingly. Till both of their deaths.
Rambling. I feel so betrayed. I know this was more trauma second round as did pull myself out and did it without meds.

This round molester and hubs reaction to the truth set me off and as I said
I just can't seem to pull myself out of this one. Don't know how am sposed to deal with it and definately don't want to delve into the flashbacks and haunting mind circles. Having to see son in jail even if it a short sentance is a killer for me to. Things I need to add to my story.

Joanna, whilst death is tragic by itself, your parents deaths had nothing to do with your actual PTSD itself. Deaths are not classed as traumatic enough to warrant PTSD, and you already had PTSD well before these instances as such, from the sexual abuse. The sexual abuse is what caused your PTSD from the sounds of things, nothing else. Other traumatic events within life simply continue to trigger the original trauma, because it has never been dealt with. Even when it has, PTSD still exists, and when trauma occurs in life, you will still go down, though if your original trauma / past experiences are all dealt with, then the blow is much less because your not provoking your entire past, just the PTSD itself.

There is one way, and one way only past PTSD itself Joanna, regardless of method used to achieve it, still only one way. Too face your trauma head on, talk it all out, resolve and understand, then a little time helps the brain to then heal. Trauma must be out of you, discussed, resolution, realism implemented, techniques learnt and so forth. It doesn't matter which treatment pattern you take too obtain this goal, because they all do the same thing at the end of the day.

The solution is right in front of you, but you have to be willing to fix it yourself, because nobody else can do the work for you, we can only guide you in the direction.

Yes I do realize this is the case. Always missdiagnosed before as just depession, or anxiety. I told my doc years ago about the abuse and she just forgot about it. There have been times I almost fired her over comments blunt and almost brutal. Unfortunately there is such a doc shortage here people have been on waiting lists five yrs, plus so they will not switch docs and you end up with some greenhorn on last year internship in emerg who is leaving to get the big city bucks as soon as doctorates are complete. Even this mental health clinc wants waivers signed to share my case wih people from three towns. Makes me really nervous about opening up.
Guidance is something I have never had nor backup to help cope. Just the meds. Untill I found you guys here. Don't get me wrong I have read many many, many books and done a lot of reserch into psychology, anxiety, drepression, nutrition, homeopathy, ect but as you said Anthony without a guide it can be like handing a university text to a three year old at times. Must go company coworker is coming over in few hours and hubs is awake now.