You already have access mate to most of the forum... as you no longer have "moderated member" under your name.

He is boob fed, but I bath him, change him and so forth. I don't wake easily... so my wife would have to kick me if she wanted me up in the night.

Welcome BB!!

Glad to have you here and look forward to reading your posts!!

Bec

some times I hate this crap ,, and i'm not real happy with this PC or my skills on this Fn things ,,, I get drepressed bad some days ,,, can't get out of my own way ,,, do not even want to do this ,,, my budy hurts all the time ,, has since 1975 ,,, don't like most people or can't ingage in most peoples small talk ,,, Hiv as much as I except it ,, Is always on my mind , cause I can see fear in ome form or another in so many differant sets of eyes
I feel soo useless ,, when I went to jails schools or other types of institutions and shared my expiereances I was kind if OK but then I would come home with me ,, then we're off to the races again ,, ocasionally a woman would except me for what i am and bring back som hope ,,,
I w--- I get so sick of trying to find what i need ,,
i'm even sick of listening to me ,, cause it never changes ,it never goes away

Some things won't change like the illnesses, but the point of view can and does once you decide to do it. We have all been like this and at some point you will feel better again. You had before and no doubt you can again! Sorry to hear you having a rough and down day.

Beatle, what do you mean about seeing fear in so many sets of eyes? Are you referring to you being HIV+? I believe the depth of members here and what they have endured, are certainly not going to judge you for being HIV+ if that is the case. PTSD is a life threatening disorder as it is, and can kill a person before HIV can through suicide and more likely bodily system shutdown, ie. organs under extreme stress simply shutdown, form cancer or cease to function. Heart attacks are so common to kill those with anxiety if not managed.

Beatle, to be honest, healing PTSD is more pain than living with it, but atleast the pain for the most part ends within a year or two when you heal. I don't know what it is like to have HIV obviously, nor the mental repercussions associated too that; but I have no doubt that you have your fair share of shit sitting on your mind daily.

Be kind to yourself Beatle, and give yourself some room in order to process your feelings, thoughts and emotions. Please don't be hard on yourself for being ill.... we can't change the past now, we can only look forward to the future and help ourselves achieve a better future.

seeing fear in so many sets of eyes?
certainly not going to judge you for being HIV+

, healing PT SD is more pain than living with it, but at least the pain for the most part ends within a year or two
I don't know what it is like to have HIV obviously, nor the mental repercussions associated too that; but I have no doubt that you have your fair share of shit sitting on your mind daily.

Be kind to yourself Beadle,

Hi Anthony
I feel no threat from any one on this site ,,
but around my world I still to this day do see it ,, even from some people who have known me for years ,, their ignorance of the communicability's of AIDS is amazing ,,,
It has been Hard , but I even have a sister who could not give me a hug for 11 yrs.
I have learned to let people have there fears ,, some time they get over them ,, when I first went public with that info in AA People got up and move d from me ,, A couple Min's. later one girl came over to me gave me a big Kiss and Hug and said " You stuck around for one miracle now stick around for the next " Its people like that who have saved My life ,, I like to call them "Real"
Somtimes I am way to awhear of how sack this world is ,, I have learned way to many hard lessons for my age and I'm 52 I do understand the mantal and physical Pain we must go through two get past this illness ,, I was beaten to my knee's in front of God and a couple homan beings utterly humbled by this shit ,, and finaly did some healing ,,, I think your way may be quicker but with a bit of help from very rare people in AA I got thru the hardest Part ,, I just still nead more help ,, more healing Thats why I'm here,,
I was trying yesturday and finally did get out of my own way , I went to my good friends House ,, we talked ,, I went thru the day
if you have seen the Movie Philidelphia you can get an idea of what some people are like to AIDS victoms it may be somthing like what they are towards PTSD vics in a way
they just don't understand ,, People have bin persecuting others for thousands of yrs. for one reason or another after all enuff
Thanks again for understanding ,,,,,,,,
Beatle going to :smoking:

Hey BB.

My uncle and his husband (yes they were gay and married) both died of Aids. My eldest son is named after my uncle. I loved him dearly. I seen lots of the "fear in other's eyes." I watched how horribly they would get treated, sometimes even from our own family. It angered me to see how ignorance works. Really it's all about being educated. People just go by the myths they hear instead of learning the real facts. My uncle has been gone for over ten years now (wow, where did the years go?) but it left a lasting mark on me. Anyways, my point is that I do not fear HIV or Aids, and dealt with the horrid outcome within my family. I'm always available to talk if needed. It warms me to hear about your strength in speaking out on the subject. This world needs more people like you.

Bec

Thank you Bec
doing those kinds of speaking AIDs 101 WAS DRAINING BUT THE RESPONCE FROM THE KINDS EVEN THE CONS WAS ALWAYS WHAT KEPT ME GOING ,
HAVE AS GOOD A TURKEY DAY AS YOU CAN ,,,
ps Beatle
I'm so sorry your uncle and his husband died of this I have learned great lessons from the gay comunity

Hi Beatle,

Sorry for the delay in saying hi and welcome. I've been reading your posts. Hon, you've been through a hell of a lot. That you haven't given up speaks volume about your inner strength. And taking time to help others when you've got so much on your plate (health-wise) is pretty impressive, too.

Your honesty about your alcoholism takes a lot of guts, too. For the first ten years of my marriage, my husband had a problem with alcohol, too. My husband and I were both soldiers (met and married while in the army) and two of the things that I remember very well about the military culture were 'Smoke 'em if you got 'em' and hard drinking at the end of the day. Especially if we'd just gotten out of the field. I watched him fight his demons to stop drinking and remember how hard it was. Actually, since I've got PTSD and have my own demons to battle, I've gotten a lot more empathetic towards what he went through.

This is a really good place to be and there are a lot of folks that want to help. Actually this forum has restored a lot of my faith in human-kind.

Marlene

PS-the old man was 1st CAV, too.

Hello Marlene
I remember my Dad saying yep that my Baby tougher than nails ,,, even in a trail to the prosicuter ,, I later went to levenworth fed Pen ,, another bad time ,,, anyway when I was tree years sober still fighting PTSD bad I got the shingles on my face ,,, and my
nurrse said over the phone the same thing dad said ,,, and I was crying back to no i'm not ,,, thank you for the compliment but i'm just a guy who for some reason has servived a lot of shit ,, and found if i give it away
and expect nothing in return ,,, I get great rewards ,,,
but really thank you