Received a note from someone who participated, it reads: "Thank you for being so open and honest this past weekend. You have so much courage and strength. It was a pleasure getting to know you. God Bless. And then along with it a little comment, "We want to love and be loved."
I have such serious issues believing others, suppose these are called trust issues. I mean, I was open and honest and I have a tape recorded audio that reveals this, and some of the anguish in the depths me. 1 1/2 hrs. of me 1st discussing then releasing from me, much anger and rage toward my father and sister. Scared of this tape! Whew......f'n scary to me. As it makes my trauma very real to me and not so easy to forget the truthfulness and impact of it.
She says, it was a pleasure getting to know me. That I appreciate but seriously hesitate to believe. I mean, what do I have multiple personalities or something, .....days with self-esteem, courage and strength ....and then suddenly days just so damn afraid, anxious and down on myself. And, then those days somewhere in the mix where I'm in just such a bad state of confusion, it's scary.
Wishing I could just give everyone in life, what they want and need, but I can't I'm back to being so unpredictable at this time in my life, and feeling ashamed because I don't even know what next to expect from me.
Never did take that sedative with me during the retreat, did however the night before last, just to assure sleep and get some relief and escape from being stuck and powerless, so that perhaps I might move forward in some positive direction....any positive direction will do.  | 
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