One of my partner's big issues is that she doesn't feel safe, and that she can't rely on me to keep her safe.

I have some issues of my own that don't help matters (borderline Asperger's syndrome, leading to a feeling of forced disconnectedness from others - argh! ), but that's another story. I'm also not a big guy, so my physical presence doesn't give her much comfort either, although she does like the way I look.

I know I'm asking a pretty basic question, but how do I provide her with a sense of safety? It seems to me that it should be a basic biological instinct that all males possess, but I just can't figure it out. Either I don't react quickly enough, or in an attempt to ensure her safety I appear on edge or flustered, thus making her feel even less safe.

Any tips?

ashen,

I am by no means an expert on these issues myself. However, I believe you can make her feel safe by consistently making good decisions and avoiding bad circumastances. What do I mean by this? While we all make mistakes it is important for them to become lessons.

Are you taking her places or is she going alone where there are perceived threats?(i.e., bars, unsavory places) Places where you might run into some sort of trouble. Are you ever not in control when you are with her (i.e., drink to much) Now while I by no means know if you even consume alcohol at all, my point is that by you being in control of your mind and body AT ALL TIMES, she can rely on you to help her to be safe. You can help her avoid unsafe places, unsafe people, unsafe activity by being aware of your surroundings.

What are her perceived threats? Is she uncomfortable where she lives? It seems that you are questioning your physical prowess when it comes to protecting her. I think my friend that brains beats brawn in providing true safety. Be consistent in your behaviour. Make smart decisions. Keep her and yourself out of trouble. There is no reason that she can not be in a safe environment in todays society. If you need find her a new place to live. If it is fear in her mind of some perceived threat which is not based in reality, that work I would think has to be done in her mind, perhaps with some professional help.

My point is use your mind not your muscle to protect her.....

Hi Ashen,

Thanks for sharing your health problem (borderline Asperger's) I have a cousin that has it. I see why this would be a difficult area for you to "get".

Just a thought for you & your partner, why not have special codewords or sayings for each other.
If she is feeling unwell or uncomfortable when you are out then maybe she can come up with something like " I just need to ring "fred", do you mind coming with me". As her way of saying get me out of here!

If you have your own secret language then maybe she will "feel" a bit more safer with you.

Don't know if it will work, but it is worth a try.

Good luck & hope you are taking care of yourself.