I just figured something out. The embarassment part that is what makes me full of shame, that makes me feel pathetic, that makes me feel useless, that makes me feel worthless, that makes me suicidal. That is the spiral. That is why I am so afraid to get this out. Because once I get it out then the next day the reiviewer hits. That is the preditor - the reviewer. Its not the crying and remembering the event it is the aftermath when I turn into a third person observer and review how small and needy I was during the remembering. Its when I am the most needy it is my danger zone. I think that is when the PTSD kicks in to the max and that is why the recurring suicidal thoughts. Because I can only go so long before I blow and then I blow and then the real battle to live ensues.

Its the afterward. I disassociate from myself. How do I get past this one?

I remember I have always been able to win. I am going to my guides, to my future self. Its the aftermath of my current emotional breakdowns that needs the thearpy not the event remembering. That is the monster. Now what do I do with this information? Yeah, I can see the therapist and energy worker and talk to my friends and go to spirit center and take my rescue remedy and I can post to PTSD.org. During the remembering event but what do I do when no one is there/here at 3 am awakened out of a dead sleep or the next day when the waive of anxiety stings my body?

Please any tricks of the trade. I for the first time feel like I have found people who know. Perhaps my peers will know how to get through this one.

I don't know much right now, I'll give you that, as my PTSD is controlling me instead of the other way around but I am learning this.

you need to give yourself permission to feel, to need a break, to heal, to have weak moments, to be needy.

This is very very hard Willing (boy I love your name that your chose). I struggle with it and I am struggling with it right now. I am continously reminded that I need to give myself permission for this because I beat myself up for being in that state and requiring help and time off.

I'm sorry I can't be more of a help right now, others in a better spot will step in here and help further. I understand this one very well though (not the exact same, but the same feeling of worthlessness due to have needs, it's like I want to be superwoman LOL) and hope at least this can help some.

bec

willing,
are you feeling suicidal right NOW??
I have found that once you put out a request for guidance and feedback in this forum, you will get many answers. I don't know much about getting past the dissociative part, but i do know about the suicidal part. I have been in that state for years at a time, and it wasn't until i realized that no matter how good or bad i feel, LIFE IS STILL A VERY PRECIOUS GIFT!! sure, there will be bad times and good times; worse times and great times; but this is our cross to bear right now. That's the way that I look at it, anyway.
As far as what you do with that info that you learned about yourself; you can now refocus your attention on what needs to be worked on. Now you know that it is the dissociative stuff. I am online at this time every morning, so if i can be of any help; if you need to vent to someone; you can always send me a Private Message or just post a thread on the forum. Tell me a little more about your dissociative symptoms...

Josh

no I am not feeling suicidal right now but I am scared to death that I will get there soon. The tightness I am feeling to hold everything in is overwhelming. I drink water, breath, exerecise, eat right I do everything in my power to get through it. I just never have noticed the third person until now. Just hearing from both of you in this few minutes is amazing. Thank you. from the bottom of my soul. I am crying now with some relief. Thank you. I do feel relief.

I'm glad that helped some.

I see my WHOLE life in third person. Every memory, every second, is third person. It took me awhile (okay like 20 years LOL) to discover that people do not have third person normally. Then I found here and I discovered, that although I dissassociate severly, I am normal and I fit in. That means the world. You hang tough and fight your way through it. I know you can do it.

bec

willing,
You said that you are "holding everything in". Are you not letting the pain and memories come out? Because, if so, i can say that i was at that point until i let the pain and memories just flow and i dealt with them as they came. I thought that i was going to have a nervous breakdown or something like that if i let everything out. The reality,though, was that that did NOT happen at all. I wrote a posthumous goodbye letter to my late wife and now the pain and memories come out in small doses. Is that something similiar to what is going on with you?

Josh

Josh and Bec,
You two are great. I am coming back and you are real. Thank you. Yes I am holding everything in because I have to be responsible. For gosh sakes I have to do payroll today. So I am breathing and I a going to go swim. I love the safety of water. It holds me. I need to hear more stories like yours of how you didn't have a breakdown. I am so afraid that if I let go I won't come back. But you know that song by Frou Frou...there is beauty in the breakdown.

I'll be back in about two hours. I promise. I need you.

willing,
It sounds like you have the same fear that i had. I was told that to move on, i had to write that letter. I was afraid that if i did, i would wind up in the hospital, again. So, I kept putting it off and putting it off, until i finally just wrote it. I found that once i let all the pain out, it wasn't as if i couldn't function. If you need to, find a place that feels safe to you, like in the water as you said, and let go off the pain. just let the memories out. If you go to work and feel like you can't deal with things... just take a break and relax for 5 or 10 minutes. But, I think you will find that it will come out in small enough doses that you can pretty much function and deal with things at the same time.

Josh