sorry I've bin away so long guys an gals

I can never stop treeting my Alcaholism ,, and I keep forgetting I have other things to deal with ,,, I get so tied up in things ,, its hard to even plan what will happen even tomorrow ,,

well I watched a movie 2 days ago and found myself loosing all sorts of control ,, and it was a chick flick,,
the thing is every time I try to open my heart some thing slams it shut ,, whether or not this has to do with PTSD or not I haven't a clue ,,
maybe the movie was a trigger who knows ,,, can you ever tell until it happens ,,,
I called 2 friends right away ,, they have both known me for at least 15 yrs ,,, I calmed down after a while ,, but know there is still so much more healing to do ,,, I guess i'm still peeling the layers back ,,, we're never quite done with that I guess,,
don't know if any one elce has ever tried a spiritual healing retreat to help the healing prosess or not ,,, but would be interested to get some reply on the subject ,,,
PTSD , Alcaholism , AIDS , Hep-C and a body that feels like its 70 yrs
old from all the beeting I've put it threw ,, how much can one person deal with at once ,, and then deal with it mostly alone ,,
WOW I guess this is all pity pot time ,, But i've never bin to proud to say what is on my mind ,, thats the only way I've ever made it this long ,,,

Beatle,

Read your post.. gave some thought to it...dealing with all the challenges you face daily is a daunting task, tho you sound as tho you are handling it.

When you close (yourself) your heart off from others you shut out many, but not all people. Remember the tin man in the "Wizard of Oz" for he had friends around him, but really didn't realize it, until he felt his heart "breaking" at seeing Dorothy go home.
Those people at the AA meetings and here on the forum are your supporters tho we aren't close by to help in the physical sense.
Oh and by the way "chic flicks" aren't all bad!
I wish you well and send you hugs...

Take Care

D (wildcritter)

I have bin reading other threads in hear and talking to a friend who turned me on to this you know her Athoney ,,,
It seem a lot of peaple in hear have the same trouble ,,, whether it is trust issues ,, opening up to the pain PTSD causes one before the healing can begin or some thing as simple as findind some one who truely onderstands the depth of our problem ,,, I was just talking to my friend ,,, that person has known me for for over 15 years ,,, threw another fellow ship I often talk about ,,
Unknowingly for the most part I dealt with my PTSD thru AA ,,, and kept it in check after 9+1/2 year of openly dealing with my feelings , emotions and trama in AA ,, a few months ago I got in another car wreck which brought back the PTSD ,,, I know now I will never heal completly from this problem same as I will alway have to treat my Alcoholism ,,,
but deal with all this shit I most ,,,, some of you know the full extent of my physical and mental ,,,at least as much as I have been willing to share ,,
I have told one person all of my behaviors ,,, I will go one day to the grave with no secrets,
Now to the matter at hand ,, opening a closed heart ,,, 1 thread says how can we trust anyone ,,, I have let out lots of things over the last 16 years and many people shoun me and yet every ounce i a while somone come up to me and say thank you , now I understand ,, 2 people say that I have save there life , 1 from drowning , 1 from suicide, I have preformed CPR on 3 people one was my dad I stableized him , but he died 2 days later ,, 1 woman died in my hands from gun shot woons the 3rd I kept alive till the EMTs got there ,,, there are so many more things that have happened in my life that have caused exsessive trama in my life that I could write for days ,, but won,t Anthoney even crittisized somone on this site for {not me } for things they have done ,,SLAM went up the WALLS,, so the heart closes a bit more , I have had lots of trouble with trust and love ,, becouse
when they fail or are shattered they cause the must pain ,,, somone ounce said { my greatest pain comes from the one I love the most } ,,, I understand that ,, hence the closed heart ,,, I don't know how much more pain I can take ,,, so how do we trust again , do we dare love again ,or how much must we open all these old wounds, and hope to survive , let olone trust and love again,, ,,,
I admire a lot of people in hear for trying thier hardest ,, and I will continue to try my best to getwhat I need ,,, when things get bad I do what I call { go out and shake up the trees } cause sooner or later I get just what I need to help me go on ,, to find happyness ,,

Beatle I have not seen critisizim. Now calling a spade a spade or telling one you have to take responsibility for your action or accepting your part in your own trauam I have seen. I know as I have been on the recieving end. I have had to. Not fun but needed. But that is not a reason not to trust to let others in. Well, not to me I should say. I know people here have some of the same pains and have the same lives as me. Some live more freely and some are even more home bound (which amazed me). I understand how hard it is to let people in. You have to learn to, as a whole. The whole world is not out to get me I am learning. I am learning I can be a rock for some and at the same time I need other rocks too as the load is too much. Just trying damn hard not to cause a domino effect myself. We are and still will be here for you and help you face demons.

this part ,,, to veiled I have heard said ,, and it makes great sence to me ,, What I say is not nessisarily what you hear,,
I had a long talk with my friend after I posted that thread ,, about the crittasision of Anthony ,, I also PMed Anthony about my thoughts ,, so as far as i'm concerned the subject is over ,, I still value all the input I get on this site ,, i am sorry if i offended any one ,, but some time I have no tact,,,
I get great strenth from some people in here ,, I'm a slow reader and a slower typest , so I can not read all the threads on this site ,, otherwize I would be hear 24/7 ,,
on many differant ocation I have I have shared my hole story and have many differant reactions some people would walk away and have nothing to do with me , others would befriend me and try to change me ,, 1 called me a tarrorist , 1 said your scareing me and when I looked at her looked at her I could see the fear in her ,, I calmed her down her fears right away ,, when I quit drinking AA and God changed me .,
me I could no more change me than I could stop the sun from coming up ,,
I have found that if I try to find help with what is bothering me the most at any certain time , evetually every thing comes out ,,

Wildcritter I get what you meen ,, I just looked back at what you wrote and almust busted out in tears ,, but again I pull back the feelings so I can write this responce ,,, my farther used to say to me ,,{ your tougher than nails } I remember one of my nurses saying the same thing yrs later and I cried over the phone NO I'M NOT !! I have bin hanging on by a thread for my Daughter for 15 yrs ,, I love her soooo but I find myself fighting to find reason to go on somtimes ,,, thats when I reach out for help ,,, yes some people call me a power of exsample , you have tanassisty or you are alltruistic ,,, bad spelling ,, I hate that ,,, I'm just as feragal as a new born some times ,,, yes my heart has bin braking for some time now ,I feel so very alone ,, so I come hear or go to AA meeting or do things people think i'm crazy for doing , like down hill skying ,, as bad as my body is I have to have some fun to ease the tension ,,
I want to open up so bad it hurts , and yet can't stand rejection ,,,because I have suffered that for many years now , mustly because of ignorance about AIDS Hep-CPTSD and Alcaholism,
thats enough oof my rembaling for one day ,,

Opening up is the hardest thing to do.. It makes us vulnerable.. and we dont like that. I was raised being told 'you're the strong one'.. I happily accepted that title - and to this day, I think its part of my undoing. Being the 'strong one' kept me alive. Moved out young.. sexually assaulted by a friend/coworker.. lost my mom when I was 22.. dad not around.. wow.. talk about pity party.. I could go on & on for days.. 3 marriages later.. I'm sitting here realizing that I'm not being honest with myself or anyone else.. I put up the strong front, and deny my inner weaknesses. So now it seems the weak is trying to surface for equal time. (We dont like weak either) I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I've crashed hard this last week.. worse than ever.. not sleeping, not eating.. (although the 9lbs I've lost is nice) finally after seeing my husband get so frustrated with being unable to 'fix' everything, I finally 'broke'. I was sooo honest, I told him things that may or may not end our marriage.. but they were things that needed to be said.. things I've kept in for always.. So maybe I'll be ending yet another marriage, but I know I have love.. my children, my sisters, brothers etc. I know its not the same love that you have from partner, but in MY life.. I dont know that I've really ever had that at all. Its just been what I've made it, or what I've 'allowed' it to be. So hang in there.. for yourself.. for all the people that love you and need you.. for us.. you ARE loved. Chin up Beatle.

thanks VCC123
opening up has bin the only thing that has aloud me to keep going ,, for the most part anyway ,, that is why I posted this thread ,,, but still there is hezitation ,,
I spoke at an AA meeting today and was bearly able to keep my composure ,, but what they got was from the heart ,, too the piont and still well excepted by most ,, they saw just how vulnerable we can get and still hold on to the thought that we can heal from all this shit inside of oneself ,,
I strongly agree with you that when we let poeple ,,or the right people ,,, see just how F--ed we are somone will give us what we need ,,,
any way thanks for the loving thoughts and the kiss ,,,
right back at ya VCC123

Beatle, if you see me criticize someone here, its not to be outright nasty or indicative of their trauma, its to push them in a direction I need them to go in order to help themselves, ie. to get them angry and be honest, not pussy foot around their real feelings. It works, and that is the idea.

not a problem mate wwhat you say is not always what I think i hear ,
I some times just say what i feel before I think ,,, keep the feed back coming ,, please