MT, there is no secret to ridding emotion, more the secret is accepting your emotions, which you are starting to do in the above writing. Writing and talking about your past, about your hurt, at the emotional level, not the anger level. Above, you are starting to now identify your emotions that are creating the anger, so now instead of releasing your emotions with the consequence of anger, start working on more constructive ways of emotional release, ie. writing about how you feel when overwhelmed, talk about how you feel when overwhelmed, cry about your past pain, and anything that you feel is constructive, opposed to anger, rage or hostility. You can call them secrets if you want, but really they are more techniques, techniques that we often forget and we go for the easier, often more destructive methods, anger, rage and aggression.

From the above, you are now on the more active and approachable road to recovery MT. Lets keep discussing how your past has made you feel, lets continue identifying the emotions, let keep finding appropriate ways for you to deal with these emotions and release them in more positive ways.

Now, with your help, we can begin analyzing these emotions that you have described more. What I am about to get into below, is not my opinion or a required technique, but more how I am perceiving what you have written, and more throwing ideas out there for you to look at, and determine if any could work for you. We will start taking out some of the more illogical actions that our minds perform, and start looking at more logical determinations of circumstances (which you pretty well covered yourself, good work) and start working on those.

You said in the last paragraph, "Ok, so if my conscious, rational mind understands why things sucked so bad and that I can’t necessarily blame my ex for being mentally ill—how do I get my subconscious to let go of all the hurt, shame, anger, etc?" Well, what this actually is more about, is now retraining your subconcious to be in sync with your concious, and not opposed as they currently are. There is no magical cure or remedy, just a little work on your behalf to think before you act, process as discussed already, and reframe (retrain) your subconcious to the reality of now, opposed to then!

So, your first responsive emotions from the above are:

• I felt afraid for my life
• I felt betrayed
• I felt completely broken
• I felt completely disillusioned
• I felt completely helpless
• I felt deceived
• I felt hurt
• I felt inferior
• I felt powerless
• I felt small
• I felt stupid
• I felt taken advantage off
• I felt terrorized
• I felt unappreciated
• I felt unloved
• I feel angry at myself

I intentionally left out one statement you made, being: "I was angry that he lied to me all the time and cheated on me", which is not an emotion, as you can see the difference between "I felt" vs. "I was", as the first is emotional the second is behavioural. So again, you didn't actually feel angry, you where angry, because he cheated on you and lied to you, you felt the emotions above, which realistically to get that anger, would be you felt betrayed, unloved and unappreciated, which are the emotions that caused the anger. When you wrote that statement "I was angry that..." it depicted the behavioural response to your actual underlying emotions. That is why I didn't include that within the bullet list, as we want to find the emotions, and deal with them only.

Now... this is going to take a bit more work on your behalf MT, in that in the above bulleted list that I collected your emotional statements from your above post, you used "felt" (being past tense) most of the time, opposed to "feel" (present tense) within your statements. That says one of two things to me MT. Firstly, your in denial that these feelings are past tense and out of your life (which I don't believe, otherwise you wouldn't have all these anger issues now), or secondly; that you are still feeling many of these things today, being the stemming of your consequential anger.

How about, from the list above, you separate what is past tense (felt) and what you still feel (present tense) today. What this will do, is whilst it gives me more direction to look at things, it will open up now exactly what you are left with, being undealt emotional trauma, being most of the issues you are having today and affecting your life so much.

This is a very positive area to begin MT, because once you assimilate the past and present with the above feelings, I think you will begin to feel a bit anxious, a bit uncomfortable even, which is a good thing... because it means your starting to unwind the past, it means your starting to heal. You may already be a bit moody, a bit edgy, a bit tense and anxious just going this far... which is good. That means where going in the right direction, because where opening the very things causing your concerns, where opening your fears and dealing with them, putting reality onto your past, in that you are safe now, you are not under threat any longer, and so forth.

I think we are beginning to make progress MT... I am looking forward to your response.

Oh... I like the bit about wanting to rip his lips off... that cracked me up

Hi Anthony, thanks for that.

I would say that all the things in your list are things I had felt in the past, and still feel now to some extent. I think you’re right about being in denial…it’s kinda me suppressing things too. I feel like everyone (fam, friends) are all sick of me whinging about my ex and still suffering because of what happened—everyone’s all like, move on, put it behind you…so I put on a brave front and pretend for the most part that I’m over it, but inside really I’m not sometimes.

As much as I’ve tried to move on, create a new life, etc, my ex hasn’t let go of me. He talks smack about me all over the internet and has 6 zillion freak friends on his blog whom he disses me out to. That’s part of why I still hurt so badly inside and can’t heal. I’ve left him alone, no contact, no discussing him on the net or anything. I could completely trash his reputation online because he’s a big deal in the online world and a lot of people know him…he’s a bit of a celebrity in some circles. And instead of letting things drop, he’s continued to tell all these people how horrible I am and I’m a “f*cking crazy, psycho gold-digging b*tch.� By him saying that about me, lying on me to everyone, it makes me feel all these bad things all over again…small, powerless, disillusioned, etc. I’ve made it a point to not check up on him online or in real life…the only reason I know he’s still dissing me is because my lawyer has a detective watching him since he’s been involved in crimes against me and his 1st wife and possibly other people. I have taken the high road and not said anything about him publicly even though I could very well provide heaps of evidence to all his friends and teammates and completely thrash him with the truth…but I wont do that because it’s wrong...and I’ve been told that any attention I show him feeds his disorder, whether it’s good or bad attention.

I get that he’s mentally ill and that’s why he does what he does. And I get that the people he’s friends with don’t really know him…his closest mates aren’t even that close to him. No one has reason not to believe his lies, unless they’ve dealt with npd themselves and know the red-flags to look for in his stories…he’s a very skilled liar/manipulator.

So part of my problem is that I’ve let the whole thing drop…It reminds me a little of how Nicole Kidman hasn’t spoken publicly against Tom Cruise, while he was vicious towards her and then completely flaunted Katie in her face. There is a pain in that type of behavior that is hard to overcome. When you have done nothing wrong but get viciously attacked, it’s hard to process.

I get that all that’s what my deal is…that I’ve got repressed stuff going on that I don’t feel I have the right to be mad about, and I’m in constant inner conflict. I don’t want to be though. I want to settle it, be done with it and move on. I just don’t know how. Ignoring his antics hasn’t helped…as much as I ignore, he just continues talking smack…and I know what comes around goes around and eventually, as is happening now, people are starting to ask questions and seeing through him.

So now what? With me being conflicted inside, and pretending the pain doesn’t exist, what do I do???

MT, some is a time thing, some is just talking about it, and working through thoughts. Its not about providing solutions, but more about just throwing thoughts, perceptions and ideas around, and sometimes bits and pieces from that sort of writing helps to find a solution that works for you. Nobody can find a solution for you, only you can do that, instead bouncing ideas and thoughts is the way you do that for yourself, because self analysis is a fine art, one which very few posses. We all need to bounce our thoughts and perceptions of others, which in turn often someone will provide their experience, or thoughts on the matter, and more often than not, something will click for you.

Lets start talking about the exact conflictions within you, isolate them, list them if you can, then lets bounce things around...

"Your anger is a gift!" -Rage Against The Machine

The basis of all my conflicts is the struggle between what I want and what reality is. I want for him and I to be friends, the reality is, restraining-orders do not good friends make…and how is it logical to be friends with someone who was emotionally, physically, sexually abusive? It’s not. So I feel obligated to be stuck in the no-contact with him box.

And that’s how it is with everything. I want for him to stop talking smack about me, but I can’t control what he writes/thinks/lies about.

I want for him to undo what he’s done to me…to apologize or acknowledge what he’s done, but I know he won’t, he can’t. I want him to acknowledge all I did for him and our life together…to hear one small “Thank you� or that it mattered to him. I know that won’t happen either because he’s disordered. And I want for him to say to me, “Thank you for standing by me�—when he had a huge breakdown, nobody, and I mean nobody stood by him, but me. And even when he was choking on dinner at his parent’s place, nobody cared, but me…nobody was shocked, upset or anything…just me. And I deserve to hear him say just one time, “Thank you for loving me.� But I know that he can’t—he’s disordered. And it breaks me up inside knowing he’s sick, can’t be fixed, and I’ll never hear what I need to hear from him.

And I guess a part of it is that I can’t fully wrap my brain around him being mentally ill. He has a genius level IQ, he has two degrees from uni, and he works in computer IT…he’s obviously smart enough to function and hold down a job. And he plays cricket for his old private school in Adelaide, and has been on a footy team since like forever—so he can function in a team setting (although I learned that nobody really likes him). And he’s luring in all kinds of people on the internet with his charm and lies. He’s a highly functioning narcissist…I just can’t fully grasp how someone so ill can seemingly function so well in society. My mind is having problems fully embracing the fact that he is so very sick, but can get by without being outed or caught.

And on a similar level, I have to fully grasp that our relationship truly didn’t mean anything to him. All the years together, everything we did, it all means absolutely nothing to him. He can and has written me off as though I never existed…except when he’s bitching about me to the net freaks. It’s very disheartening to realize that while I’m not only hurting from abuse, and the dissolution of our marriage and the realization that he was nothing he was pretending to be…he has completely deleted me from his brain as though I never existed. Not a tear shed for our anniversary (which was last week); no sadness over the life we lost and the shattered dreams. Nothing…….just emptiness.

I realize that I have to stop the “wanting� and the need for things to be other than what they are. It’s just taking me a while to get over it.

MT, your raising your concern, your then answering your concern, but you are not coming to terms with your decision. You want you both to be friends, yet you comprehend that he is sick, then also that he abused you and provided this trauma upon you. I don't think the healthy option is to be confusing yourself more at this state, but instead come to terms with the fact, the relationship is over, and you don't have control over him, only you. It is your decision to hate him, care for him or love him, but it is not your decision, nor within your control, to make him do any of these things. We can blame ourselves, we can punish ourselves for relationship matters, but at the end of the day, he doesn't want to be with you, and that you must just accept. He is ill, you know this, you accept this, yet you won't accept that this illness is preventing him being a more human human being towards you.

You need to take another look at this, and look at yourself within, in that you are the one putting everything out for him, to be friends, he is not, but you are the one still suffering because you want something he is not capable of giving you, an apology or thank you. If you know within yourself that you did good, then that is all that matters. Self esteem is not about what others think or project upon us, but what we project and believe within ourselves. Others can easily deteoriate our self esteem, or we can look within and know we are a better person for just being us, being honest within ourselves, and that we cannot fix nor control what any other individual does, thinks or acts upon this planet. We are only in control off ourselves, so we need to work with what we can control, and dismiss what we cannot.

Now this is presumptious of you though, and you must remember that we cannot think for others, instead all we can do is ask. It is not a matter of what you think he thinks, but what he does actually think. If he mentioned these words to you, then these are no longer your thoughts, but facts, being his words. This doesn't mean they are accurate and true of meaning though, because we all say things we don't necessarily mean during relationship breakdowns, good and bad.

If he is ill, he may be so that he cannot understand the choices he makes, though he can make choices, just not the best ones for him, but his illness could impede his decisions, the same as PTSD impedes a sufferers decisions and actions.

For me, anger is a HUGE problem. It is a burden. Even in the cases when I know it is right to be mean, I would not like to get so emotional. My counselor suggested that the anger might be the defence reaction (when in danger, getting angry in order to response to an enemy). She advised to make my environment safer. I think she may be right, because the anger problem was not so bad for me when I was in a very safe place for a while. I did not try to do anything yet, but am planning to.
So, may be just making your place safer for you, in whatever way you feel it safer, will help with the anger?
Good luck.