K Bec now will answer Bec's question...

V is right, you have to work through the emotions (not that I have yet.. I will get there though).

Figure I better give the whole picture here so that it makes sense. I'm missing from 14 down. I was first diagnosed with amnesia from trauma at age 15. It was the first indication that I had PTSD but it wasn't followed up on. Anyways, it was unknown then what trauma caused it. My teen years were rough to say the least, as I lived on the streets and was raped at 13. I lived on the streets until I was 16, when I got a job and found a place to pay rent at. I dug myself out of that hole. I've since had oodles of trauma piled on. However, I have gotten a few memories back dating all the way to age 6. I have about a half a day's worth of memories now. The rape is included in that. I grew up in an exceptionally violent home. I was brought on trips where one parent was sleeping around, I was the alibi for those trips. I watched my parents attempt to kill each other, had a relative try and kill us, etc... Not pretty stuff. What I do remember now has no feelings attached to it. There was also lots of emotional abuse. I have "emotional" flashbacks that can be really nasty. The emotions are overwhelming and hit me like a brick wall out of nowhere. That is where my violent episodes stemmed from. I never understood what they were until last July. I still have them and get them.. but knowing that it's a flashback helps me to not get violent when they crash my party. I have to work through those emotions, and with what little I remember, try to attach feelings to the "third person" mode. It's doubtful I will ever get full memory back. I was forewarned as a teen, that the chances of that are slim. However I should get little glimpes once in awhile and I do.

What I find very difficult is having to hide it. I'm very good at pretending that I know who people are or what they are talking about. My closest freinds, Toni and Nic, know about the amnesia.. I tried to tell my family once and they just ignored it. In fact they got pissed off at me. So I just play along with them and everyone else. It's not worth trying to explain to someone that you have no f'king clue who they are.. cause then you get the "surely your family would have mentioned it." Nothing like being made to feel like a liar. I even have some "memories" memorized so that when people mention stories that I have heard repeatedly I can just play along and make my life simpler. I feel really alone a lot of the time. I'm a stranger in a body that other people think they know. Living with this amnesia that I can't talk about and have little support with has alienated me from others. Other people just don't get waking up one day and looking at this person you've been told is your "dad" and not remembering them or anything else. I guess I should consider myself lucky.. I did remember my name.

Sorry that kinda of turned into a pouring out of the situation. I haven't really talked about it before.. well I haven't talked about it other than to mention that I have it. So thanks for asking.. I think I needed to get that out.. since the whole situation is still painful.

BTW, I'm doing much much better now. And thanks so much for the concern. You'd be suprised how much it can mean to us here.

bec

Christ bec I wouldn't want to remember all that shit myself. Not that you have a choice. However. Thank you. Pleased it helped to share it. Must be difficult having to pretend constantly. Never ceases to amaze me, the kind of crap some people go through and yet their families refuse to acknowledge it. Some people don't deserve to have children.

Must say well done for getting yourself off the street at 16! Had a couple of foster children who'd lived on the streets. Getting out of that situation is no easy feat with assistance nevermind on your own. That is tremendous! Hope you are proud of yourself. Delighted you are feeling better as well. Take care of yourself.

Jim.

Veiled seems you've been through tremendous amounts of shit as well. And from your brother of all people! Have a little sister myself. Can't imagine doing those things to her. Terrible...

Makes sense. Thank you. Not great with emotions myself I'm afraid. Do hope you've had a good night past.

Jim.

Bec and veiled, thank you for sharing your very personal experiences. I'm honoured, and delighted Evie has you both as friends. As my husband mentioned, you have both been through so much - you are truly survivors! I pray both of you are having a better time of things this morning. And veiled, I am relieved to know Evie is not the only one with unpredictable moods. You are absolutely correct, we need to communicate with her daily. I appreciate that practical bit of advice, thank you.

I think there are different expectation for each category of people you had listed. It also probably varief for each person.
For me, I want my spouse to be caring and supportive, but not invasive: i mean, sometimes I do not want to see anyone around but my animals, and I expect my partner to understand this and not to take it personally. I also expect him to understand that I am not happy with my condition, and am taking efforts to fight over it, thus, I want him be on my side, not on my trouble's side. From me, I am trying to function as a caring, understanding, and supportive wife for him.
I want my immediate family, namely my mother and step-kids, just ask as few questions as possible, and do not ask about my feelings or my inner world. I just never answer such questions. I also expect them not to load me with their emotions and feelings, since, as it is easy to realize, I feel and express my feelings differently. From my side, I do not load them with my stuff, keeping it for myself and for people who understand.
From my co-workers, I expect to be treated first as a qualified professional, which I am, and respect me, just as I respect them. I also want tem to understand that although I jump funny if scared, this is not a reason to harrass me, since this is not fair to harass any person.

Jim and Kathy:

Thank you. I'm very glad to have Evie as a freind myself and honored. This forum has provided me with opportunities for freindships that I didn't even think were possible. I'm so grateful to Anthony for that.

Yes Jim I am very proud of myself. I've never met another street kid that did get off the streets by themselves and managed to straighten up. Most of my old streets freinds are dead...so i'm also very lucky to boot.

Fostering children is such a tough job. I was in the system myself. I am a typical story.. where the foster homes were as bad as my family, I would take off as soon as I could. I had one great foster family. I'm still very close to them and love them to pieces. However when I was in care, I couldn't stay there. took me years to understand why. By the time I was sent there, I was very screwed up.. chances of me trusting "good and normal" people were slim to none. I didn't know how to interact with them and I couldn't trust them. So I would run away, repeatedly. I was sent there too late.. mind you with what I was raised with.. too late might have been birth! LOL

Anyways.. you should both be very proud of yourselves. Just from the way you two are on here.. i would lay money on you having been great foster parents.. and those are rare. Caring enough to open your home and hearts to us "f'k ups" is huge.

BTW: anyone with PTSD who hasn't completly healed and learned to control thier symptoms.. that says thier moods are predictable.. I would call a liar to thier face. All of us have unpredicatable moods.. from one second to the next.

bec

Ditto to what Bec said... Especially the chance to make friends. It is nice making friends again but this time when you zone out for a few days or a week and are not the best friend you can be by normal standards the people here understand it and go through it too so instead of a guilt trip you are more likely to get "hey I understand". I know that was beyond a sentence I wrote but I am a bit spacey today :) Evie is a wonderful friend to have. And I am proud to call her my friend.

Delighted you had the one good home bec, and are close with those folks. You are indeed luckier than your friends. Had 2 sad experiences with our kids, one boy committed suicide soon after his emancipation, another who had been a member of Indian Posse was murdered. Most of the rest keep in touch with us, even visit sometimes. Always pleased to have them.

Now, now, I don't let Evie say that about herself, don't you start now! ;-)

Glad to know it veiled, and grateful you consider Evie a friend. She needs friends.

Jim.