Hi all,

I have known that I have experienced trauma for a long time. But in the last year I have heard the phrase "Post traumatic Stress disorder". I googled it and found this forum. I have never used a forum before. This is exciting

The most significant traumatic events occured nearly 4 years ago, but I have had major traumatic things happen every year of my life since I was 3yr old (I am 22 now).

I thought I was accustomed to it. But in the last 2 years weird things have been happening inside my body which I havent talked to anyone about. I'm very ashamed.

I work full time at the same time as being a university student studying economics.

I used to love people genuinely, connect with people of all ages, very extremely organised, and achieve alot all the time. I was deux of my school, I would do public speaking for World Vision, I thought I was a good person.

When I was 18 I was forced out of home, lost my virginity to man high on drugs in a share accom who was nearly 30, became his girlfriend and he terrorized my life for a year, bashing me, raping me, pulling my hair, spitting on me, strangling me.

I've never touched drugs, but have smoked a cigerette a few times and have a bit of a weakness for alcohol but probably only drink 5 standard drinks a week.

I dont know where he is now, I have not contacted him now for 1.5yrs. he dropped out of my life very suddenly and next thing I knew I was starting university and living in a student accomodation.

I am disconnected from the memories most of the time and that is how I have been able to perform so well at uni and work in the finance industry.

BUt when I hear a mad man yelling in the street I start shaking and panicking. I am scared people around me will notice starting to breath really fast and think I am crazy. Sometimes my legs start running without me noticeing it.

Sometimes a gush of wind, or the change of the seasons, will make me have a flashback all of a sudden and I will start balling my eyes out forgetting that I am free now, and thinking that I am being tortured by him again.

At work I am worried that people will sense that there is a screw loose somewhere. My sister said that she cant see me at the moment because she said she senses this tension around me. I've lost alot of friends through this social phobia that I have only just gotten recently. They said they dont want to be around me coz i have a "nervous negative energy". I use to have such a beautiful loving peaceful energy. Maybe I should cut caffeine out but i only drink 1 coffe a day, I use to be able to drink 4!

I gotta find professional help, no more of this stupid Zoloft, Effexor, Edronax, Lexapro, lovan all of which I have been on.

I wanna learn how to love myself and I reckon I can do it just need to talk to a person about what happened, coz know one (except now u guys) knew about it.

Anyways, I've read some of your stories and its so good that someone has invented this site. Good nite

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to start :)

Lisa

welcome to the forum, rachel.
cathy

Hi Rachel, welcome to the forum. It caught my eye that you mentioned "I thought I was a good person" listing the things you do, but I somehow feel you forgot about you along the way, instead where more concerned possibly over how others perceived you instead! What you feel Rachel is very normal for PTSD, in fact what you feel is quite normal even for many people, most just don't admit the issues within their lives, the feelings felt and so forth.

PTSD is obviously different, but I know what you feel because I have PTSD myself, I feel the same things, and I have healed to now live life once again. I was told I would never do many things again, and here I am proving doctors wrong. You can too, there is no reason you can't achieve back your perception and interpretation of happiness once again.

Rachel, we do understand. I do. I understand the thought process, the social phobia, panic symptoms, crying and so on.

Would like to you welcome you to the forum, and very glad you found us.

......sincerely goingonhope