I had already posted in "Guns in America", post #71 (Guns in America) about flashbacks I was having. A quick recap-

"Even here in America we have culture problems. Like with the charges I'm facing now. Did you know that same man can come to my home, break in, and I cannot lift a finger against him because he has a restraining order against me? THAT is pathetic.


In fact, ten minutes ago I got off the phone with a crisis line. I was having a severe panic attack. Nearly crawled under my desk to cry. They got me past the about to cry part, but I am still shaking from it. Yeah, there's the ability to defend yourself thing. Man can break into my home and I am prohibited by law from so much as raising a finger against him. He can do anything, and nothing happens. If I do anything to defend myself from him, I go to jail.

What if I was married? Could he rape my wife and get away with it? I'd go to jail for defending her. Even Australia ain't that bad.


I felt I had to post it in it's entirity so you may understand what's happening right now. Right before I signed in this time I finished talking with a crisis worker again. I was taking a shower before heading to bed, and went through a sever flashback. I found myself hitting myself. Usually it's one hand to one side of the face. This time I was hitting both sides hard with both hands. The most severe I have encountered yet. Even now my right eye is partially swollen shut. Feels like I'm wincing, even though I'm not. I found myself hitting myself hard enough I was drawing blood from my cheek.

Before I used to think I was trying to break myself out of these flashbacks by hitting myself. Because it used to work like that. Now it's getting to the point that it's not doing anything.

This bothers me.

Because when I go to prison, what's it gonna be like there? The nutritional suppliments I take now will not be available. That will affect it a lot. The stuff my acupuncurist has me on, Xiao Yao Wan, that won't be either. Counseling, no way.

I won't be leaving prison. I'll stand a fair chance of dying in there. Sound crazy? Sure doesn't feel like it now.

Right now my face is stinging. ANd I have to be up in 4 hours. I won't make it. And if I do, I'm going to be sporting a few bruises.

Wouldn't be anywhere near this bad if I had ANY counseling when I needed it. As I said in another post about forced counseling versus voluntary. I was voluntary, just the state wasn't. They held off for 7 months. That 7 months is where this abuse precipitated.

Sorry to hear CJ, however I must say your being a little presumptious of going to jail considering you haven't even been to court as yet. Negative thinking style... we cannot predict the future. The slapping is something some do, then they realise it doesn't work, yet it has become instinctive for their mind to do, which means another issue you now have to retrain your brain for.

Yeah, I know. I know in my heart what I did was right, and as time goes on I know it even more. But reality is also a shocker. Honestly Anthony, I have always been on the short end of the stick. This time will be no different.

Did I ever tell you about a man I saw in a hearing some months back? A kid, only 26 years old. Sentenced at age 17 to 2 years for a drug crime, but has served 9 years. Not a fighter or trouble maker, yet has been in prison his entire adult life.

That is a bit harsh.... I must say. Obviously got into something or pinned for things once inside???

Nope. He stayed clean because he has a son on the outside and wants to be with him. All his son has seen of his daddy is from a view portal in prison visitation.

I see that, I look at what I've been through already and what I've seen, and I can promise you Anthony, it don't matter how innocent the jury finds me, the court will find me guilty.