Hello everyone,

So I'm at that period of time in the year where my PTSD goes through the roof. Or at least it has been for the past couple years. Its really strange because for the first few years after the situation, I didn't really acknowledge that this was a triggering time for me - then again I wasn't in a safe place during that time.

So the anniversaries start on the 1st of July (yeah, me and Canada day don't really get along) - with remembering the last time I went back to the ex-boyfriend who raped me when I was a teen, and the fireworks that day. Its like the fireworks trigger every mannerism about him, I see people walking down the street on Canada day and its like a wave of triggers hitting me at once. Honestly, I feel trigger happy that day.

July 4th is another bad day. Its my brother's birthday and I haven't seen him in 7 years. He's turning 17 this year. It's challenging in that I pretty much raised him - my step dad had no interest in him whatsoever (even though its his biological son) and my mom's mental illnesses and shift work put me in a position where I took care of him all the time. Beyond that, its the day I miscarried from one of the rapes. The day everything happened 7 years ago, my great-grandmother died as well, it was one of the last times I saw my extended family in a supportive sense. Suffice to say, this is not a good week for me.

I've been really dizzy - hell I'm off-kilter right now. My fibromyalgia pain has been bad from the stress, and my PTSD symptoms are going haywire.

The boyfriend and I are in couple's therapy (things have been getting better), and our normal date for therapy is on Wednesday's. Beyond the fact that I don't see my psychiatrist this week because of the holiday Monday - and that I really needed to see him, going into a heavy session on an anniversary seems like a bad idea. I know that sometimes pushing yourself through something helps - but this just seems counterproductive.

I suppose I know I shouldn't go in tomorrow, and that I probably need to take it easy for a bit - but I really don't know what to do with myself - aside from bake and cook like a crazy woman.

I don't know what to do with this surmounting remembrance of days. I know that in years to come it will get easier, but that doesn't really help me right now.

I'm sure that I'm going to start back on either the "What if I didn't miscarry" questions or the delayed emotional response to miscarrying. Everything just seems so hard right now - and I don't know how to honour and respect the difficult days and do something positive during that time.

One of the coping mechanisms that I often relied on was listening to music - but I've recently been told that there's a good chance I'm going to go completely deaf, and my appointment with the specialist isn't until the end of September, so my anxiety tends to rise when I think about what that would be like.

Sincerely,

A. Lauren

Just wanted to say, I'm soo with you on that today! I will let others not sicker than a dog from anxiety reply to this. Hang in there!

bec

bec,

i guess the upside to the dizziness is that rollercoasters and such rides become unneccessary, lol. Though i think i'd rather not be on one today!

Good luck getting through this. I just got over my major hump. June is my beat me up time. I did a lot better this time when my therapist really worked on explaining what was happening and knowing what was coming. I knew I made it through all the rest and am still here, I knew I would this time too. And I did. I am shaky but I feel good about it this round. It was not as hard even with "unexpected surprises" this past month. You have it in you just know that.

I am sure you will do well. Just go where it wants and take extra care of yourself.

Metis,

Having just gone through my 'rough month' (like veiled, it's in June) I understand how anniversaries can really bring up some really rough stuff. Knowing what's causing it, understanding why it happening helps to a degree. And I know I'm doing better than last year (functioning vs. non-functioning). Sometimes our forward progress is slowed a lot by these times, but it's not stopped.

Just be extra gentle with yourself right now and remember that this won't last forever. Even when it feels like it.

Lisa

Okay - so today is turning out to be one of those days where anxiety is very high. Beyond it being an anniversary - I got an e-mail from the Registrar's Office and I have to have a meeting with them about my future studies at the university and about a course I have taken and requested special consideration for. In addition, I have to show the Associate Dean of the university my grades in the class, so that he can back me up and see that I did do well. This for me equals possibly not being able to continue my education. My funding gets cut off from being able to pay for university if they don't grant me a certain standing in that class so I wouldn't be able to go to university anymore. It's like being told you're on your last chance of leading the life that gives your life meaning.

The boyfriend is going through a depressive period, called me last night and pretty much downgraded all of what I'm feeling because how can I feel bad if he treats me well? He's not close to doing well in any part of his life and tends to make it my fault for not being the "normal" girlfriend. I know he's going through his own stuff and its not about me, but its really hard to be there for him right now because of my own emotional baggage.

I want to cry but no tears come, maybe I should go cut up some onions, lol. I think for the most part right now, its my anxiety levels which are getting the best of me. *sigh*

Thank you Marlene and veiled for the words of encouragement. I know this won't last forever and that I really need to take care of myself. The extra reminder is very helpful.

Sincerely,

A. Lauren

tilt-a-whirls and teacup rides - thats what the dizziness feels like. bleh - I never did understand why people paid money to get dizzy. this too shall pass?

Yes, it will... Sorry to see you having to go through this. Take it as a "practice opportunity" to use coping skills and be able to better cope and help with the normal day to day once you get though it.

The actual day itself wasn't so bad. I spent a lot of it trying to keep myself physically busy, but giving myself lots of time. For me, today has been hellish. Its like all the anxiety about anything and everything is bubbling up and over the edge. I'm physically ill from it. I got some stuff done today, which made me feel better about things. Oy!

I used to get acupuncture treatments with my physiotherapy, and I know when my pain levels are really bad (this time round from stress) I actually start to crave having needles in my neck and back. It helps with the trigger points. I guess what I really need to work on is how I hold stress and anxiety.

My degree hangs in the balance right now too, and I have lost a little faith in the career I set my heart on since I was 13. So when I read the above, it really struck me. I feel for you...I hope it goes okay with the Uni. people. Let us know how it went.

LMAO! Again, something I'm relating to right now... seriously considering onions now! lol

Anyway, I just wanted to say I relate. Is it June or July right now? I don't know... lol right, it's july, I didn't know what month it was then! Yeah, June wasn't great for me, but more with stress today than anniversary. Anyway I wanted to say it sounds like you're doing well...you know it's anniversary time, you know you need to cut yourself some slack... your boyfriend sounds like he's going through crap too, which sometimes is not a great combination. But it's good that you are keeping it in perspective and know it's not about you really.

Keep on keeping on.