I personally would do neither one of those, Arashi. I would not ignore it, nor would I make a huge display of it. I would simply casually mention, without going into details, that I had been learning about PTSD, and then let her decide whether she wants to speak more about it or not. That way you are giving her the option of how much information she wants to absorb at the moment. Additionally, she may very well know the information already, in which case she may turn on you and accuse you of being pushy or patronizing.

One thing my husband does with Evie, and you may not have a good an opportunity as you don't live with your girlfriend, however - he prints out articles from the forum here, that he believes pertain to Evie's current state of mind. He then leaves the articles where she will find them, usually at the breakfast table. It works with Evie, as she can read the information as her leisure and not feel pressured to talk before she's ready.

All great advice. I did not end up doing anything rash this weekend even though the temptation was very very strong.

The most I did was text her a complimenting affirmation. I used to do those things all the time, but with her wanting space I have only done it twice. I sometimes get struck by the sense that she needs to hear something positive about herself and I can't fight the urge to send her something. Twice in two weeks is a hug amount of restraint for me. :)

Ok, so here's a little thing that's been running through my head that I'd like some feedback on (and I apologiize for asking lots of questions, but not having many answers for others).

So the week before we went on break she mentioned to me that she was writing about me. She said she watched the movie '50 First Dates' and realized how incredibly romantic it was. She said she had seen it before, but it struck her this time how romantic it was. The other thing she reall ysaid about it was she had been thinking about what it means to have to get someone to fall in love with you everyday. We talked briefly about it, and I didn't ask how it pertained to me specifically.

I got to thinking this weekend, how much does she relate to that movie? In the movie Lucy has short term memory loss and Henry ends up having to get her to fall in love with him everyday because he is in love with her.

If she relates to Lucy in that she has a disability that impedes her ability to love fully, such that I would have to essentially do all those things that make her love me all of the time. What are those things that I do that she likes that gets her to fall back in love with me? These are the questions she was asking herself and I am asking myself now.

Since it feeds my instincts I am wondering if this was a subtle hint that the "grand romantic gesture" I mentioned before would have a great affect on her. She has said before how she waffles on things, gets scared, and then I do something wonderfully romantic and she remembers how great she has it. Maybe she was in need of one? Maybe she knew she was faltering greatly at that point and subconsciously was hoping I would do something to snap her out of it.

Is it too late for that now? Is she too far gone in her head? Is her frame of mind shifted too much for that to be viable? I dunno. It would be a big risk to do it since if I was rejected it would make it hard to go back to normal.

I dunno...

I'm not sure about the whole make you fall in love with her over and over again; however, I can relate to loving that movie.

Please let me explain. In case your not sure, I have PTSD. Now that movie.. I had to buy it after I seen it.. because I relate to the memory loss. (I'm missing 14 solid years though.. not short term.) I relate to how the family reacts is how I feel. That I can't be loved, that I'm missing a part of me.

So, anyway, most of us suffer from low self-esteem if we have PTSD. Also if it's caused from abuse there is a good chance that we don't believe that we can love or be loved, deserve love, are worthy of love etc.

So anyways, you can see where the two parts of this movie relate. This crazy guy proves, repeatedly, enthusiastically, unwaveringly, that he loves her (hence working through the self esteem issues) and also doesn't mind at all that she's missing a piece of herself that is so central to how we relate to others and the world (her memory.)

Unless you outright ask her how much she relates, you won't know and we really can't answer for you. At least though, this can give you some food for thought and perhaps a direction for conversation to understand.

bec

Thank you for answering Bec, excellent response. I apologize Arashi, however I have not seen the movie in question so I don't believe I can offer a proper opinion.

Thank you bec, that actually does help.

Essentially I am trying to put some peices of the puzzle together here for how this illness is affecting her and at what levels. Trying to analyze where her boundaraies may lie from my experiences and conversations with her so that I am better informed and equipped to discovering what she needs and how I can approach things without having the opposite effect.

Arashi,

If she was abused, in any way, she will have major boundary issues. This is something you will want to have a discussion (or many) about if you can communicate at that level with her. Her boundaries might be really high (like mine, I can't even stand someone standing behind me) or they might be really low (where there are little to no boundaries, this is commonly where cheating comes into play) or she might fluctuate from one to the other.

What ever you do, if she says NO, listen to it. Once you cross that boundary you will have a hell of a time earning trust back.

bec

btw, if she wasn't abused this can still apply due to the PTSD it's just to a lesser level.

She was, however there really was little indication of any residual effects of it throughout the 8 months that we were heavily dating.

I knew of the trauma because she told me, I knew what PTSD was, but I didn't know enough to pick up a lot of the little things that show she has it. Most of the major stuff isn't there, it's mostly little things...or the symptons come and go, but again aren't that pronounced.

At least on the outside. To her they might be, but she doesn't hold onto that diagnosis very much. I really think she had it firmly in check until her abusive Ex came along. Now the symptoms are slowly creeping back in.

It's tough to find out the boundaries when:
a) you can't really talk to her because she wants space
b) you aren't sure if she will take offense to being "labeled"
c) the severity of the symptoms make them seem nonexistent most days
d) she wears masks (like Anthony's post) to make everything seem alright almost all of the time

This is why I am trying to determine as much as I can from my own recollection of conversations, my own intuition, my knowledge of her and her behaviours, etc.

You have an excellent point though bec, and I appreciate it.

Wanting space is a boundary in itself Arashi, a very clear one, and one you should most definitely respect.

You may talk with her and not mention PTSD at all, if you are concerned about the labeling aspect. Simply talk about whatever she is willing to discuss. Any talking is helpful and will build trust. Again though, only talk to her if she wishes; if she doesn't wish it, that again is her boundary; do not force the issue.

What do you mean by this? Severe symptoms are non existent? I am uncertain what you are trying to say here.

That is likely her way of coping, especially when faced with too many stressors. You cannot force her to be well, or talk to you, or anything else. As difficult as it is, part of loving someone with PTSD is learning to let go of them and let them heal at their own pace.

Remember Arashi, you cannot fix or change her, and you are not her therapist. It is commendable that you want to learn and do the best by her, however knowing what to do does not occur overnight. Oft times simply respecting their wishes and letting go is the best strategy. If you plan to be with her in the long term, PTSD will always be there, so you have plenty of time to learn about it; you needn't know everything immediately. It is a learning and growing process for you as well. Perhaps you need to examine within yourself, as to why you feel the need to help her so quickly. Looking inwards would be beneficial for you as well I believe. Take care.

Thanks Kathy. It is humbling to try and sit here, sort through information, get some sort of feeling as to what the woman I love is going through and knowing that it may be too much for our relationship to survive.

It is worse knowing that the man responsible for bringing this issue back into the forefront is still harassing her and still making sure that she can't forget or move on. And again, not being able to do anything about it.