Oh yea, and I think, if I'm not mistaken, I think people are thinking negative about me because I have negative thoughts about myself. I went to the store tonight and got me some post-its. Thanks, Veiled.

Problem here Marilyn, in that no person can help you change your way of thinking, only you can change it. No amount of help can make you change, only you can make you change because you want to change. You work it out for yourself. First self question would be: "Is what I'm doing working for me?" If the answer is no, then maybe, just maybe, you might want to push paranoia to the side and give something a go that is different to what you know or understand, and I mean really give it a go until you succeed, not just try.

So why aren't you using this valuable piece of knowledge to help yourself when the negative thought comes to your mind? Use your experience first, every negative must be found two positives.

Again, nobody can help you if your not going to help yourself. Read that carefully please, I used action words, "going to" not "might" or "maybe" but actually "do it" vs. "think about it". You have to turn your thinking into doing Marilyn, you have to push negatives aside with positives. Not think about it, do it. I and all others can only tell you what you must do, you have to do it.

Don't just try it, don't dismiss it before you have really given it your 150%. If your not giving every little task 200%, then your not giving it enough of you.

Now, this is correct Marilyn. This is what abuse does, it provides a substance structure within your brain to base all future events and thoughts. Now you mention it like software. Software is a tool for programming, it is also a tool for de-programming.

Marilyn, why are you trying to prove your abuse? That is what this sounds like to me. You need to stop trying to prove what happened to you, which comes from anger towards your abusers generally, and instead start focusing on changing your thoughts and behaviours at the basic levels. If you achieve this, you can then achieve much more detailed self management.

You didn't program your brain with this Marilyn, your abusers did this on your behalf, especially as a youth.

I don't understand myself sometimes. I feel more anger at myself than toward my abusers. I do not discount their behavior or condone it, but I can't seem to feel anything towards them. I feel more anger towards a society that perpetuates pedophelia and preditor behavior by an innadiquate justice system, an extremely poor system of social services, and and the glamorization of youthful features as sexually appealing. Its sick! Its wrong! Its bad! And I'm very angry.

I will say the following about myself because I need to build myself up instead of put myself down. I need to give that 200% to creating within myself confidence, self worth, and all the things my abusers tried to steal from me. This is so hard for me. I'm not used to saying good things about myself but here goes.

1.) I'm a good mother because I display love and care for my 5 children. I provide them with guidance and emotional support to foster their growth and development as individuals.
2.) I'm a good wife because I listen to what my husband is trying to communicate to me. I value him by being his best friend and support in times of need. I allow him to be a part of my life and I work to develop interest in the things he enjoys so that we have a basis for interpersonal dialogue. I am faithful to him and committed to him.
3.) I am a good artist and poet.
4.) I am not "a stupid little idiot". I am an intelligent, competent, and credible individual.
5.) I am not "a fat ugly whore". I am an attractive woman and not permisquis.
6.) I have nothing to be ashamed of. My abusers are the ones who should be ashamed.
7.) I am not damaged goods. I am a good person with high morals and strong values.
8.) It is not my fault the abuse continued for so long. I did not ask for it. I was a child and was violated by people I was suppose to be able to trust.

Marilyn, well done. Please continue that line of thinking, though you must adapt that thinking, thus it will kick the negative thoughts out. Two positives for every negative and trust me, the internal mind war.... positives win that way and the negative get out of your head a great deal. More please...

This next one is a very difficult thought to fight. My mother told me, "Marilyn, when you spill your guts to people you make a big fool of yourself."

This feels so true, it is difficult to fight. Sometimes I'm honest to a fault. Sometimes I say things that dispite their truth make me look quite foolish. So, even though I hurt inside because I believe this statement I will fight it. That is the basis for courage. One has to step out and do something regardless of how it feels.

1.) Being straitforward, honest, and open about one's thoughts, feelings, and ideas is not stupid or foolish but rather being genuine and confident.
2.) If I tell someone something in confidence and they violate that confidence then that is their problem because trust is earned not granted.

OK, I am a person with a mental illness but I do not have dependent personality. If anything, look at the criteria for borderline personality. I have made it on my own and do now. I do not need my husband to survive. I have ajob and a way to make a living. I made it through school and am currently working on my masters degree. I am NOT dependent. The only criteria I meet for dependency is criteria 3-4-5. I raised two little girls without the help of a man. I didn't meet my current husband until I was divorced for 2 1/2 years. I'm a lot of things but I'm not dependent. Stupid may be but not dependent. Ya know, MOM was right. I am a stupid little idiot for spilling my guts.

Anthony,

I am sorry for crossing a boundary. I spoke with my best friend and read her the note I wrote you and she told me I had crossed a boundary. I noticed I have lost the PM preveledge. That is OK. I understand. I am not saying this to get your approval, I'm saying this because I see some truth in what you say, though not dependent personality I do have a personality disorder and I do need professional help. I have a therapist that I am working with. I will not attempt to write here anymore if you do not want me to. Once again, I am sorry. Marilyn

Dear Anthony,

This is the last time I will post. I may have more than just PTSD. I don't know. But I want you to know I meant the things I said when I said I think you are intelligent, knowledgable and care for people. I don't think you care for me but that's OK too. I'm just writing this to say that I am sorry for the things I said in the email I sent you. I tried to email you an apology but I don't think it went through. Two wrongs do not make a right. I value having peace with people because my life has been filled with such chaos and because I value your personhood as an individual crafted by the hand of God just like me and everyone else in this world. I am sorry.

Sincerely,
Marilyn S.