Hi Awake Again,

My jaw dropped when I read your post. I don't know if I belong here. I feel stupid even thinking I have PTSD because what I remembering suffering seems nothing compared to what others have suffered. All I know is that I have never been normal, or what I would describe as normal, meaning without depression and anxiety, failed relationships, addictions, pain, and a general lost in the wild feeling.

I'm tired of it, yet I am tired of searching for the answer, the healing. EVERYONE seems to offer the RIGHT HEALING. I've been taking anti-depressants since I was in my young 20's and I am now 43.

I grew up in a family of alcoholic and physical abuse, yet I was never beaten. I am not an alcoholic now. My father sexually molested me with his hands and his words, but never, that I recall, had intercourse with me. My mother doesn't want to know, even though I told her, she brushed it off. I ask myself, is this THAT BAD? I tell myself, it wasn't THAT bad. Get over it. But I am at the point where I am so tired of life, tired of the emotional and physical pain I am constantly in, that I have to give some thought to the fact that YES, maybe it was THAT BAD.

What shocked me was what you said about dying soon. That's how I feel. I don't think I will complete my 40's. Years ago, I had one of those internal epiphanies, that I would die young. I have never forgotten it and it frightens me because I believe in the power of the mind over the body.

I just want you to know that I'm here and that you are not the only one with these thoughts. This is my first post.

I'm praying for release and peace.

Just wanted to repeat what others have said, and welcome you here, this is such a great place.
Shane