I guess I think that was part of my question. Exposure. I still do exposure therapy. Nice thing it is controlled. I can do a little, get sick and recover and then hit it again all the while controlling how much to control how sick. Keep repeating until I just get anxious or am better. Anniversaries. Those cannot be put into a controlled situation. They happen and they last until it is done. I know exposure does not work for anything if you are only doing it twice a year either.

Over exposure won't allow healing and living around Houston was over exposure and kept me very sick. Hence my move. I had to do a lot before I got to the point of even attempting exposure therapy.

Just too much exposure can make you collapse. The general time of year I guess just makes you crash. I have such a hard time accepting this is a trigger I cannot beat. As I cannot say OK I will take on this much of it now, and in a week or so a little bit again... It is just all in your lap at once. I guess it just really pisses me off to be reminded I am really sick. Just as you round the bend to think well maybe I have just some anxiety issues and not really PTSD the nightmares, collapsing, puking, pains, insomnia (gets worse), the escape route you are looking for returns, everything just comes back to bite you on the ass and points out yes, you do have it and one of these days you will accept it. OK I am just bitching now ;)

Veiled are you trying so hard to figure out the trigger that you are getting yourself all worked up???? I know that the dates for you are tough, you know they are coming so is it possible that you are on guard to the point that your body reacts??? Or when it finally hits that the date is here that you go into overdrive to try and protect yourself from what you think might be coming???? Just asking I guess to get a better feel for what you are going through.

I wonder if hypnotism might be an avenue for you to explore... It can be helpful with some traumas. Might be worth looking into. Hell if you can't figure it out, get rid of it.......

Hope you're doing a little better.

I thought I was getting better. The outrageous panic attacks seemed to calm to more mild versions but shit is all I can tell you what day is when and where though I had moments of even hours being myself. I know I did chat Saturday afternoon. Even with bec teasing about a can in my hand that maybe I was having a drink (I was drinking a sprite and munching crackers just FYI and she was teasing). I think that could have been partially triggered by a coke I drank.

But for what ever reason I crashed again after that. The Panic was no holds barred. Sprite and crackers being the mainstay of my diet lately for almost two weeks did not help as I was throwing up unmercifully again and IBS decided to let me know there was indeed more damage that could be done.

Have I had more flashbacks? Hell if I know. I can barely sleep. The other day I finally crashed for a few hours and hubs woke me as it had been too long since any food. Well, half a piece of bread left soon after! I was bumping into walls everything spinning when he tried to get me to the toilet. I did not make it out, I had to have a trash can brought in. I am literally screaming at God at this point and begging hubs to take me to ER. Hubs of course really wished had not woken me at that point as it was immediate the panic set in.

I don't know if it because I had to take Xanax at that point and yet again last night that I am so pissed off or lack of sleep. I am just a hair trigger and feel so damn sick and dizzy still. The Xanax was last night as hubs needed me out to help pick out lil' one's halloween costume (last minute, yes) and to get my wide range of supplements again that I have not taken in forever.

If is everything I have not to tell any and everyone to **** off. I made the mistake of trying to eat food so I already feel it coming back. All I can describe is hate and rage at the moment. Maybe I am bi polar too, who the fk knows?

I just want the complete loss of control gone, I want to stop puking and shitting, I want the room to hold still. I want people to quit acting like idiots. Is that really too much to ask for as I am so ready to get off the ride!

Shocker of the day, I took my supplements. Any and every pill trips a panic attack and somehow they did not.

I am looking aroung the house which is wrecked by a 3 yo that needs to be cleaned, I need a bath, I need to cook supper, I CANNOT get a job and help, and even though I have certain little pet peeves it seems everyone waits until I crash to do those! Is it so ****ing hard if you put shit in the wash to not leave it there so it gets stinky and has to be rewashed? Does shit HAVE to sit in a dryer for a day before being pulled out? I swear I am going to dismantle the thing so they have to use the clothes line out back.

I want to stay in bed and hide while these wrecking balls I call family can just trash the whole damn place to their hearts content and I do not have to look. Why does me being too unwell to work mean I am the ****ing maid? I like to cook. I like to do things for them but when they get in my way of doing it or refuse to help I want to yank every head off. Oh the "help". Looks like a crackhead or what ever got wired and made a bigger mess before the buzz wear off and leave the bigger mess for me to fix.

And then I freecycled my daughters old clothes. Pick up at hubby's work not here. The lady did not READ to see it was girls clothes even though her/she/girls clothes were all over the ads. She had a boy and says that is what she thought for. I tell her OK sorry you read it wrong I will give it to the next responder (several) so I did and made immediate arrangements. This person e mails me saying but she still wants them! I say sorry already pending pick up by another and she pops back THANKS ALOT! FU! My shit anyway.

Ah **** the world right now, I am too tired for this shit.

To top it off I know I need my herbal teas to cool my jets but if too tired as it will happen then I cannot clean a thing and the mess will only be compounded when the hairy wrecking crew get home. (son and hub)

I wish I could tolerate life outside the home, I need a job so I can have a break!!!!!

Veiled,

I am going to stick my neck out here(probably get it bit off by you).......So....Who and what are you really pissed at????

All the family shit is just the build up as I see it. That stuff is crap that you deal with on a daily basis. Yeah sure it can get to you, but not as pissed off as you are right now....So again...Who or what are you really pissed at?????

I am NOT trying to piss you off, just trying to figure out what you are pissed at.

Hugs,

Wen

V: Don't forget about the cup explanation!

Your stress levels are through the roof right now and all it will take is a sock out of place to make you snap. Being unable to do anything because your so sick and anxious, yet having demands put on you by your family will cause you to become more anxious. It's a recipe for PTSD rages.

Try to concentrate on taking care of yourself (as much as possible with your hell on wheels running rampant) and let the house go. Try to NOT stress about the house. You need to worry about you right now, so that you don't end up in the hospital.

Ding me if you need to chat and I hope your walk went well.

*hugs*
bec

Thanks for reminding me about my "cup".

Little "princess" has not been too bad today yet. But of course I am running cartoons out the wazoo for her and the day has just really started. But she is poised for battle as she dressed herself back in her princess nightie and fluffy loud clanking shoes and donned her crown again before I woke up and won't take them off. Clothes out the window again today and I am not even going to fight it.

And the walk. What walk? The giant pants of hubs he gave he dug out of the mud room apparently (love hubs for getting me dirty clothes). I noticed a wet spot after I put them on. Peculiar. I smell it and it is cat spray. ARGH! This is why laundry stays in hampers unless washed! Our male cat will do this to clothes left in the laundry room floor and someone "helped" by doing a half cycle of clothes and dumping them all over the floor in there. So I got so pissed and had to reshower as I had it all over me.

Obviously I am a moron to assume he would get something out of a closet? And what is the point of getting rid of those furry nuggets if my cat still sprays, grrr. Now he has to stay outside in the cold night until I throughly clean and get the smell out of the room or he will keep doing it. I got this cat's MO down pat on this at least.

You may be dinged a lot today LOL. I am vent mode.