Just wanted to add to this thread and be more specific. What I'm talking about above is things like I make sure everyone of my windows and doors are locked, before bed, bc if not I've imagined (and sometimes still can) horrible assaults happening to our family. One of other instances is a mob of gun men entering and rampaging through our home and attempting to kill us all. Sometimes, they rape and then kill us.

What would happen if I didn't acknowledge such images as pure fantasy quickly, and which I do, is I'd scare the sh't out of myself with my vivid imag., much born of my various traumas and my witness to others.

But, when I do a quick analysis, I am able to see many things. One is that I'm still so afraid of this big bad world, and that I must be prepared, in my mind, for even the worst, (most unreasonable), scenario's and that if ever something was to happen, I'd already know the likelihood of surviving and/or just how to outsmart the perpetrator(s). And, even at its worst. I'd be the hero that saves us all. So this is where it becomes fantasy play. (LOL) Nothing more.

However, to get there in my mind, I travel the visions through some pretty horrific assaults to me and/or my family, and then my defense back.

Another one, is I often envision suddenly being attacked by an unknown rapist or multiple rapists, not bc it's a fantasy, but rather a terrible fear and I wanna be ready for anything. So, it's sort of how my mind has been trained. I use to have an abuser, frequently saying, and often while approaching me and almost whispering, "When you least expect it, expect it." ; I think this did an awful number on my brainhouse as a kid so I can sometimes still tend to imagine almost anything horrific before it might happen.

Also, I use to fantasize about working with Stephen K., as I think we think creatively alike. Much of mine was all born of others and my trauma and this sometimes rotten world. I figured I could feed his already dark, creative imagination with lots more than already there. And, I wouldn't be lacking as there is just as much of the horror and psychol. thriller in my imag., accessible as there is the murder and crime that I mentioned above.

Clearly, I don't do anything with any of it, as I am quite normal in this respect, yet in the past I would've like to have made some good use of my nightmarish witness, many pers. traumas and fired imagin.; As, for a long time I had wanted to be an author or screenwriter of horror and psychol. thrillers, ect.,

Now, this is the last thing I want to do.

Hope

Definitely have twisted thoughts/fantasies. I'm starting to think it just comes with abuse/trauma. It's just one of the "symptoms" never really discussed in health books or on Wikipedia.

wow, thanks everybody! it's so nice to see you answering in such detail. you guys made me think of a lot of things... just here to say thanks, really late & job interview tomorrow, so i'm off. but i'll be back to this thread! hugs.

Emox, everyone has a dark side. You're not crazier than the doctor/therapist who is a voyeur. We all have our demons to face, and I think accepting yourself and your dark side will help you feel less crazy.

I will have to buy those books vst. "The Power of Now" helped me feel so much better in a way that I can't even explain. It made so much sense I thought: "How could I have not known this" I heard "Dark Nights of the Soul" is good for helping with these issues too.

Vera, I'm glad you feel better. I know these posts have helped me.

Peace
Tammy

aren't we all hoey.


Seriously though, my mind boggles to realise taht yet one other way my brain works, my mind taunts me, well, it is normal (In that I am not the only one with them)