I spend all my time on my T couch in the corner curled up into a little ball. I pick at my fingers, fiddle with the edge of my jeans and just about anything else I can do to avoid looking at him and until your post never realized it.

I do sit infront of him as his office is very small, every corner is filled and there really is no place to go or hide which I now realize is on purpose.

My goodness our docs are the smart ones aren't they.

Since you do trust your T just keep on going and talking and releasing the secrets and believe me when I say "IT WILL GET BETTER". Maybe not completely but at least we are the better for their help

Hang in there and good luck, we know how you feel

P.S. I've cried rivers in his office over the years---and rivers-----and rivers!

do you know what your therapist actually looks like? I have no idea what my therapists face looks like, I can't bring myself to look at him even when he's not looking at me. But I do know what all his trousers and shoes look like.

Hey Don't Know-----Love the trouser and shoe post. It is so true and exact!!!

Gee...I thought I was the only one who knew what my therapist's shoes, then socks, slacks, shirt, tie and eventually expression looked like. In that order.

Lisa

Awakening,

I misunderstood you, but now I understand. Ask if you can arrange the chairs and tables, or even bring a small sofa blanket or even a scarf to use over a chair to make a barrier to help you feel more secluded and safe. Explain that if you felt more safe, maybe you could open up more, if that is true. Winter is coming, so you could use your winter coat to cover a chair between the two of you.
And you know she cares about you! She went through long hours of schooling to meet you because her passion was to help patients like us. Use her talents, and we have no reason to feel bad. We did nothing wrong!

During my first session with my current therapist she told me that she doesn't expect me to trust her right away and that trust is something that is earned not something that is required immediately.

I know I play with my fingers, my coat if I have it or my clothes. I don't make eye contact with anyone that I don't trust and in fact the only person I make eye contact with is my husband and my children and sometimes my in laws. Usually my mother in law.

I have a hard time with males.

I've gone through many therapists, three through the VA hospital system. None of which I trusted. The first had me keep a thought/counter thought journal and that was fine but all she'd do was read my journal and then one day she laughed at one of my thoughts and that upset me.

The next therapist did this thing called 'The Work' and you eventually turn things around until it's on you and I saw that wasn't going to take me anywhere except blaming myself more than I already did.

The last therapist I saw was one time and he frankly acted like he didn't even want to see me.

I had given up on therapy through the VA. And then I ran across Mary Beth and I've had 3 sessions with her (one on the phone because I couldn't make it to my appointment due to a water main break at my son's school).

The only reason that Mary Beth has been able to fit me in is because I came across her through someone that was very close to her.

I think that it's been helpful to me to know that she doesn't expect me to trust her right away and from what I've read in her workbook, lack of eye contact is an aspect of PTSD.

To me, eye contact is the ultimate trust factor. I have always felt like the eyes were the window to the soul.

As for crying, I have a hard time crying in front of anyone because I have a hard time feeling like crying is okay. Being that I was punished for crying as a child, which only made me cry more.

I'm glad you can trust your therapist, from what I've been told that's important and I'm starting to trust mine as well.

at times I have a hard time looking at my therapist, and if I think of it, it probably is shame. The memories that have been coming back to me are about the stuff I did following the abuse. Theres alot of shame ..I hven't told anyone about the memories but her. Not even my husband knows what came back a couple of weeks ago. And the trust issue, I trust way too much...Think Im still 13 with that one, teenage girls are pretting trusting. I tell way too much...surpised I haven't been hurt from that by someone by now. Need to work on those boundies.

Eye contact is a difficult area for me too... At the moment the best I manage is almost like an EMDR type thing I have noticed I do automatically... I move my eyes left to right and back all the time, crossing over my therapists face in the middle! It's like I'm trying to check him out without obviously looking at him or something! Since I've noticed that I do that when I do look at him, I feel very self conscious of it which makes it worse!! It's totally strange!

I know the lamp on the left of him, his shoes, and the edge of his desk and printer to his right better than anything else!

I have a hard time crying in front of my therapist...huge. Sometimes...I break...when the conversation is overwhelming. Sometimes, I feel like I want to turn around and face the wall instead of facing her...I PUSH myself to look into her eyes. I also found it more comfortable when i sat at her desk and the desk was between us....i am not sure why but this made me feel more comfortable.