I feel as if I owe a lot of the members of this community an apology. I have come to realize just how my behavior earlier in the week was quite out of line. I am truly sorry to all of you that felt I was being pushy. I realize now that none of you knew me and I knew none of you. I was only thinking of myself and the pain I was feeling. I did not think of you and your pain. I am sorry.

I also want to thank those of you who gave me a little kick in the butt because I do have some really messed up "thinking" because of a messed up childhood. If I hadn't of gotten that kick in the butt (I so needed) I would not of realized that I have carried that messed up "thinking" well into my adulthood.

I also think my husband is probably thinking the world of those of you that gave me that kick in the butt....Poor man has lived with me for 28 years and It was pretty hard living with me with my distorted beliefs (lol) He truly is my knight.

PS I'm sure on my journey I'll need more kicks in the butt.......Feel free and Thanks in advance for them

Hi hollyberry,

(I originally texted and was going to post this in your diary, but have since changed my mind, thought it might be a better fit here. And, so that's why it just may be a bit of a confusing read in the beginning.)

I can't say I've read all of your diary so far, bc you've made such a big and good start getting it out. I keep popping in here and reading and can really see your efforts beginning to bloom.

Just a suggestion, but I hope you keep up your hardwork here, while pacing, and while remaining open for some good, (not necessarily pleasant), but good occasional kicks in the butt, if that need was to arise.

Also, I read your apology to forum members in the PTSD chat section and appreciated reading it very much so. I can't speak for anyone else here, but I accept your apology. I happen to wish you well and certainly wouldn't want you to ever leave the forum, bc of your fears/ anxieties or upsets. Nor, do I suspect you would.

Nobody is out to get, or exclude anyone here, we only wish to support or help, if and when we can.

I also read in one of your posts somewhere, that you have difficulty believing others and what they say. I relate and still so, though more profoundly from my past; So I comprehend this very well. It's all ok., bc it's quite common and nobody expects you too believe and trust us. We can only hope you do so, and with at least, some here, and in time.

We all need others, ......and others with PTSD, ...... well this is the best, bc those with PTSD understand those with PTSD, through our live's experience(s) and our common disorder and symptoms Unfortunately, we very, very well understand PTSD and how it often may make us think and feel negatively, and does makes us very sick, even deathly ill.

I've written this into your diary and have since changed my mind. I'm cutting and pasting. So if you read it, you are now reading it from your most recent Chat PTSD thread.

Please, let us know when and if it is ok to stop in with a hello and post simply in your diary. Just conjecture, but perhaps at this point, we'd need to know we were welcome to do so before apt to. I know I'd need to know this now beforehand, because it just may be something you don't want, and of course this is fine. On the other hand, you may wish someone would say hello or comment.

Your choose hollyberry, so please just let me know, and I'll not only read, but I'll say hi, perhaps comment simple and brief, bc perhaps you're on a roll.

When I get and stay on a roll while 'getting it out' and 'rethinking' it, I know there are payoff's to my wellbeing ahead for me, but naturally I don't see them until after that (short or extended) bout of suffering subsides.

Well, hope you Take Care hollyberry,

((Hugs))

Hope

Yes Hope it is fine for you and anybody else to leave me messages in my journal. I know the kick in the butt I got earlier in the week has helped me see I have some really fd up thinking and I need all the help I can get in figuring out what else about my thinking is wrong.

My family members now realizes that I have tried so hard for years to be this good little girl and make everybody happy with me so nobody left me. My sister said to me yesterday, that she was afraid now to say anything that might hurt me because I might think she was mad at me....She never really got mad at me cause I was trying to be so good. Now that I know that I can get mad at people and I can tell them off when they have hurt me, I might be making a few of them pissed at me.

I think this is going to be the hardest for my husband. He has learned over the years that disagreeing with me about the way I feel or think usually ended in a fight or me crying. He hates to fight with me and hates it when I cry. And I know that just because I have figured this out about myself...Its not fixed....... My emotions are probably not tied to my thinking..they are tied to my feelings.......I need to figure out how to get my thinking and the way I feel on the same page....does that make since to anyone?

I totally realize that in the beginning when I get those so needed kicks in the butt....my feelings are going to hurt and I know I will cry and I know it will trigger a lot of emotions....but I'm thinking maybe triggering emotions help me learn what my triggers are and just as I learned this past week...alot of my triggers might just be from some really messed up "beliefs"

Hi Holliberry,
I think that there is no person in this forum who would not post something like that at some point. It is finally understandable. The good thing is to also undestand when you was not right.
Tace care,
Linda

Hey Holly;)


Your amazing and we if anything we understand pain....and sometimes the thing about pain is that it comes out in all ways. Some of those ways end up making up looking not like who we really are.

I understand and belive in you...you just keep writing;)

Geneva

Holly, well done for knowing and understanding your own problems. We all need a kick in the arse at times, you where simply in self sympathy as we all go through. Just don't go back into it now you know better. You must own your actions, your on the way to that. Well done.

Well done Holly. Admitting your mistakes is always a positive step forward!