Het Girl!

Got questions for you but don't want to get to nosey or step on your privacy toes. If your family approves, I would like to do PM's with you on some of my questions. They can watch(listen) to us if you or they desire.

Since you are on the other side of this coin--so to speak--I think you could be a huge help to me in navigating the tangled web my daughter and I have woven over the last 10 years.

I hope you can help, but if you elect to not do this PLEASE know I will understand

GRAMA HERC

Sure, that would be fine Herc. Though if you are comfortable with it, maybe you want to ask me the questions publicly, in case others would like to know the answers too? I am okay with answering publicly on here. But if you prefer PMs that's okay too. Up to you.

Well, girl then publically we go. I was just thinking about you! When you were gone, how did youj feel about your parents? We you angry? did youj miss them? How hard was it for you to reconnect with them? I just want to crawl inside your mind and learn every emotion you had.

While I am sure there is no comparison between your situation and my daughter's I still feel that you had emotions during your experience that are similar.

Anything you can share would mean the world to me Grama Herc

Okay, I will try to answer to the best of my ability. First though Herc, I guess I should say... I didn't consider this before, but... my answers may not be anywhere near what is going on with your daughter. I say that because I ran away a few weeks after my trauma occurred (I was shot and witnessed a murder/suicide in my family, in case you didn't know). My running off had to do largely with my PTSD. So the dynamics might be fairly different than with your daughter.

When I ran, initially it was because I couldn't handle my feelings about what happened to me, at that time I blamed myself for the shooting and not being able to save the life of my little stepbrother especially. He was 9 years old when he was shot and killed and I was a teenager, I felt I should have protected him. Additionally my family reminded me of the trauma in many ways and I didn't want any part of that.

Once I ran off, I was really on the run, because I was still underage at the time and my family had the authorities after me. I was very angry with them for trying to track me down. I cursed them a lot. I had to move several times to avoid them, they got close to catching me on several occasions. I managed to avoid them though. I hated them more and more each time they tried to catch me, it had the efffect of pushing me away even further.

After about 4 years of running though, I did start to feel really guilty for what I had done. The guilt was pretty unbearable at times, it even made me suicidal on a couple of occasions. I engaged in a lot of risk-taking behaviours. I stuffed my feelings, I even made up a "fake" life in my mind in an effort to avoid thinking about them. Additionally I felt they must be really upset with me and not want me anymore, so what was the point of even trying to contact them again. I was worried about being rejected, and I felt they had the right to reject me. I was sorry for what I'd done but didn't really see how they could ever forgive me. I just kind of hoped they would forget about me. At this point I was still blaming myself for the shooting too, so I felt, how could I go home when I was the cause of so much suffering in the family?

Reconnecting with them (initially) was easier than I thought. I guess it was just "the right time". I was ready and open to it. I have to give some credit to the forum and Anthony for that too. See when I joined the forum, I was still separated from them and they still didn't know where I was. Shortly after joining though, Dad (Jim) was trying to contact me through a friend of mine. He had found her and knew that she knew where I was. I had started a diary by that point and was beginning to examine myself and my trauma. I mentioned Jim trying to contact me, I started a thread about it here on the forum. Honestly I don't remember quite how it happened, but I do know that Anthony convinced me to telephone him and the support I received here from Anthony and others gave me the courage to do so. Shortly afterwards I became very physically ill (it was a long time coming, I had been neglecting my body for 5 years and internalizing all my trauma feelings). So, since I had contacted my family again, I asked them for help, and to my surprise they flew out to be with me immediately. I honestly had completely forgotten they cared that much. In my thread about Jim contacting me, it's weird to read now... it reads as though I am lying almost, though I wasn't. Just because the way I describe Jim and Kathy in that thread... I wrote about them like they were strangers almost... I had totally forgotten (or buried my feelings, whatever) about how close we really were my entire life, pre-trauma.

Since being reunited it's been a struggle, we've all had to work really hard to get along and adjust to each other. I credit our success to the fact that we've all been willing to learn, talk, compromise and so on. I don't think it would have been possible otherwise. That's why I think it's really important for you to be honest with your daughter too. It's taken me months to really trust my family again but it's been worth it. I now live with my family, again because of my poor physical condition. Honestly I don't know what I'd do without them at this point.

I don't know if that helps at all Herc. Sorry I got so long winded too! :p If you have any other questions feel free to ask me.

Young lady you answered my questions and so much more. You should be very proud of yoursel for everything you have accomplished. You should also be proud of the help you are giving me. I now have a much clearer picture of my daughters emotions and feelings because of you. You simply explained everything my daughter tryed to put into words but couldn't.

Everything you have explained--she tryed to tell me--it is just that her emotions got in the way. Some feelings and pains are the same no matter the cause.

I may have more questions later--????--but for now you have helped more than you will ever know. You have helped heal a family you don't even know. That is quite an accomplishment. Be proud! I will always be grateful for you and your family and the way you have helped me through the beginning stages of geting my daughter back.

Words can not express the gratitude I feel. Honey, if I may call you that, from the bottom of my heart. THANK YOU Grama Herc

Thanks Herc, I'm really glad it helped you! Makes me feel good too, to know I've done something good. I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately so it cheers me up to know that I've helped.

OK kid Got another question!!!!!

It has been a little over a week since my daughter called and I need to know if I would be to pushy if I called her this afternoon with some questions(general type-was baby healthy, how is she feeling, more info about my new son-in-law--stuff like that)!

Can you tell I am scared to death to call her? I am fairly sure that this is a normal response under the circumstances, don't ya know! So go for it kid, help out the ole lady again.

THANX GRAMA HERC

I don't think it's too soon. Once a week really isn't that often in my opinion. Of course she may have different boundaries than me, but I think once a week is pretty standard. I know in my family we call out of town family (who we are close with) once a week generally, usually on Sundays. Sorry you feel scared to call her, I understand that, but I would try to push through the fear and do it anyhow. Good luck.

THANX