I just need to share where I am at with all of you. Sadly, there isn't anyone else. Well, there is but it's too uncomfortable for them and myself. If this isn't the case, they just don't get it.

I am not sure if it's got to do with journaling about the dead or the stress of holidays with my family or both. They are both painful. Up until recently, I thought I had dealt with the family thing. What was once acceptable to me is no longer acceptable. I always had hope for a better relationship with them as long as they were alive. There is less of a guarantee of that these days. Therefore, it was extremely difficult to fake it and deny it.

Just when I thought I was making progress with the irrational fear dying in a car crash and anxiety of facing death at work, I find myself caught up in it again. I have been tense and/or hyper-vigilant driving. At work I have been on edge. The noise level alone in the ER was unbearable. I have been trying to ease my anxiety by fending off thoughts like, "It's been a while since a code has come in, we're due for one."

Anyhoo, I have been trying to just roll with it and just accept it. Easier said than done sometimes, especially when I was re-visted and tortured by a nightmare when I was awake! I seriously thought I was losing my mind. And as for dealing with having to do CPR at work, I don't have to right now. It's hard for me to accept. I am starting to understand it's best not to rush the healing process. Right now, doing chest compressions will very likely make things worse.

Recovery is slow, and knowing where you are and what you can handle is so important. We all have our limitations with things in life. Acknowledging where you are and what you can handle in a good place to be. Baby steps, one day at a time(sometimes it's one minute/hour) and however long it takes to get you where you are comfortable in your recovery.

Tude...can you transfer to a different unit? Somewhere...not so stressful. I did a rotation in the ER and then worked on a surgical floor...both extremely stressful...I know I could not do it now.

No doubt, rotation or trying a new area of work. The ER is very stressful.

God Bless

I hope your nightmares fade and you feel better soon. Healing takes time and it seems like an eternity, but I trust you will get there.

peace
Tammy

Thanks all. Just getting this stuff out of my head helped. And being honest with you, I get honest with myself.

As for a job re-assignment, I did that already. After the guy on July 4th, I was out at the ER triage desk for a few months. "Honoring where I am at," my therapist called it. It helped with the tension and anxiety. The nightmares stopped. It also got depressing, real depressing. Dangerously so. I felt useless, bored, and a burden to my team because it left them short staffed for part of my shift. The repetitiveness reminded me why I would be so bored doing anything else.

It was quite challenging at first. There were three codes in as many weeks. I did not participate and it still jacked me up a little. But it was getting better. I wasn't depressed and I actually felt like I was getting back into my groove.

At this point, changing careers is not an option. In my life, I have dealt with worse. I have learned recovery is possible. I firmly believe this to be true in this case. Again, I am willing to work hard and fight hard because it's worth it- I am worth it.

You are absolutely right...you are worth it....you are lucky to actually still be able to function in that setting.....you must be a great, dedicated nurse and a very strong individual. Take good care of yourself.

Hey Tude,

One common thing I have heard over and over is to take care of myself FIRST! I am sure you have helped many people in your career so it is okay for you to step down for a little bit. Would your fellow workers want you to do something that would make you worse. I doubt it. And if you are not ready for it..are you giving the patient the best care? Deep breaths and do just what you can. You will know when you can step it up a little. No one knows you like..YOU! Good luck and God Bless!