Well, it seems that while most of you were off line busy with, well what ever you were busy with, I got hit with a wave of anger and resentment.

Being completely unaware of the fact, I am thankful that my anger and resentment was expressed and vented here. I showed no outward sign, to my knowledge, toward Mother!

I pretty much verbally assaulted the forum in general and showed my ass. The part that bothers me is that when my indiscretions were pointed out-- I Did Not See Them--! I did not understand what I had done wrong.

This lapse in judgement has me concerned. However, I must admit that over the last 6 months my life has been turned upside down and permanently altered. I don't do change very well.

I guess it is possible that I was simply venting and shedding myself of a huge amount of STRESS! I am unnerved by the anger I showed. I am usually not an angry person. I don't display anger. In fact, I avoid anger at all cost. I will retreat from any sign of anger no matter the source.

Anger scares me! It scares me quite a lot. Guess you could say it terrifies me.

Now all I have to do it figure out just exactly What triggered me into this mini snap. There is apparently anger buried inside me somewhere and for some reason. HUM? I wonder what it is?

I love the holidays and enjoy the giving attitdue of the season. I usually turn into a big kid this time of year. My reacton this year is entirely out of character for me.

Could it have been a simple case of extreme overload? ? ?

It could be overload... plus you just were reunited with your daughter recently and that is a major change. You said yourself you don't like change. I don't either really, and when there are changes I can get really upset. I feel out of control. There is comfort in having everything stay the same.

When I have too much on my plate I get very stressed and my judgement is not so good. I wouldn't be super concerned about it though, it's something everyone with PTSD goes through I think. I would say it's pretty typical really. At least for me. The important thing is not to give up. I screw up a lot but I just keep picking myself and trying again. And if I admit to myself that I have screwed up, and apologize to my family or friends if I need to, it gets easier to control myself the next time around. It's a learning curve I guess. Being aware of myself really helps too. I try to notice my moods and my thinking, and if I feel like I'm off I work extra hard on myself, take more breaks, get more rest or whatever.

I don't really relate to not showing anger as I am the opposite, I've had to learn to control my anger and I still struggle with it. But I do know stress can definitely make a person angry... it does me. And I don't know, but maybe you need to get angry? I understand being afraid, I am too when I'm angry, but if you have been bottling up your anger inside of you all this time that is not good either.

Herc,

I understand about a mini-snap. I had one, too. Mine wasn't due to anger and such. It was more that my stress levels went up, my symptoms went up and the ugly voice in my head came back. Everything damn near set me off. I exhausted myself just trying to keep a balance in my life for the last few weeks. Part was holidays and stress they bring. Part was dealing with the stress of knowing I was going to have to speak about my initial trauma to my therapist. I'm sure there were other parts in there as well. But those were the obvious ones to me.

I read once that even small changes, small upsets to the apple cart are enough to bring on symptoms. And the bigger the changes (or upsets), the bigger the symptoms. You've had a stressful year with everything you've done in it. A lot of changes for someone who doesn't do change well. And trust me, I'm with you on the 'doesn't do change well' group! Tonight is the end of my first full year of dealing with PTSD, everything I've done and learned with it and about it. When I look back, it's no wonder I'm exhausted sometimes. I feel like I've lived three or four emotional years in one calendar year.

My suggestion would be to keep writing. Even if you don't post what you write, keep writing. It helps to get it out of our heads on down on paper. Cyber or regular. If you're not sure how something will be taken, have someone read it first or sleep on it for a night before posting. A little time and distance helps with clarity sometimes.

My anger scares me, too. Mine is because I've kept so much of it inside for so long that (after all...nice, good girls don't get angry) letting it out was like unleashing a pissed off tiger. It took a lot for me not to just totally let it go wild. I still get a little intimidated by my anger. It tends to sneak up on me. But I've learned to let it out in a safe place and not on top of everyone's heads...mostly.

Like Evie said...it's a learning curve and a damned big one at that. We're all on it. Don't beat yourself up if you screw up. Get up, brush off, apologize if needed and keep going. And know that we all do the same routine of that sometimes.

Lisa

We all have them. Good things, stress, holidays, shit just about anything can cause us to become a little off kilter. You just get yourself back together and keep going.

Hang in there Herc.....

I am sad to hear that this is happening to you as well....but glad to see that I am not alone with "mini-snaps" during this holiday season because the guilt I have been feeling is really quite overwhelming.

-overload
-pick myself up and try again
-consider it like a learning curve (I really like this one because I have had to change every aspect of my life since this diagnosis...it has and is extremly hard work)
-take breaks, get rest
-control my anger or learn how to express it in a positive, healthy manner
-realize that even small changes might cause more "bad days"
try (as hard as it is and seems) to keep a balance in your life....I see this as take care of yourself...body, mind and spirit...be my own friend.
Know that talking about trauma is a REALLY hard thing for anyone to have to do.....and with the other side effects that happen with PTSD....we are stronger than most due to our trauma or traumas
-keep writing and get the thoughts out of your head...it really does help you to feel stronger
time and space does help with clarity.....if I am worrying about what others are thinking I need to stop..... at the end of the day...I really am the only one worrying about things...I am the only one that can change my thoughts and behaviours
The PTSD sometimes does not make me think properly...it is OK to ask someone for help....it doesn't make me less of a person it makes me human
-don't take your anger out on others...it will only hurt them in the end...talk about arguments after both people are not in the anger mode...you need to be reasonable to make any positive changes....positive thoughts help with positive changes
-getup....brush off ....apologize if needed
I think all of these things will help us keep it together...to enable us to keep going

So now that I completely went off of this thread....it helped me to put it all together....all of these suggestions put together have helped me....

Maybe it might help someone else...I hope so.

This is how I want to start my 2008....

Sorry Herc

I can't count how many times I've 'snapped' in some way over the holidays. You aren't alone in this!

It's hard for me to accept that I can't do as much as I once did, that I don't feel the holiday 'spirit'... then I just cry, release, do something different, and let the day pass on by.

Going off my experience I would vote overload. It happens.

Holidays, birthdays, Mother's day, Valentines day, Derby time...I get depressed during them all. I had a Holiday Snap as well. I isolated heavilly.

I warned my best friend a couple weeks prior to Christmas that I was already trying hard to keep up a front of "being OK" and doing my shopping and telling people Merry Christmas, but that I wasn't sure how well I could keep that front up or for how long. It makes me feel even more like damaged goods that I can't handle what is supposed to be a happy time for people. While I was still living in a DV shelter after leaving my ex my birthday rolled around. I was overwhelmed by the fact that staff and other residents had presents for me and even bought me a cake. I kept crying and shaking and had to stay in my room at one point for a while to get away from it. Thankfully I was in a place that understood why I was acting like that so it wasn't as embarrassing as it could have been. I'm getting better about it little by little but my Christmas snap showed me just how much more I still have to go.

I'm glad I found this site because my schedule hasn't been allowing me to go to regular counseling anymore at the DV shelter. This is the closest I can get to group therapy these days. *HUGS* to you all.