Like a lot who've responded here I have memories up to and after my initial trauma. What actually happened, I don't know. I can speculate by trying to recreate, in my mind, what happened and use logic to fill in blanks. It helps...to a point. I also know there are a number of different opinions on whether recoverying memories are important for recovery.

Here's my opinion. It's important to me that I remember. But that's me. I'm the kind of person who searches out answers that I don't have. I don't know if I will ever recover these 'lost' memories. I'd like to just for my own personal feeling of completness. But it hasn't stopped me from working on myself, my traumas and my healing. I have gotten back bits and pieces that I never had before. So it's something. Research I've read says that dissociating during trauma (which I did) tends to make memory recovery a crap shoot at best.

So I keep moving forward and deal with what comes to me. And I hope as I deal with things that more and more memories will come to the surface for me. If not, I've mostly come to terms with that.

Lisa

It's funny what you say Lisa as I can remember some of the bad things which happened to me (but I don't have PTSD of course) but I can barely remember any other normal or good things from around the times I experienced trauma.

I also have a memory of a situation where I was raped where I saw the room and the darkness but knew what happened.....I know this is labelled disassociation but the weird part was it was more like I had a sixth sense and knew what was going on while looking into darkness.

As I did try to deal with my traumas and got older, when other situations arose, I always felt somewhere between being there and watching...like being stuck as to whether acknowledge it or disassociate.

Fundamentally for me, in order to heal something you need to find what is broken first - whether that be a memory or acknowledging what you know to be true. As in there is a police report that you were raped and medical evidence to substantiate it but you can't remember it happening to you. I think you have to come to some acceptance of the reality before you can begin to heal. Perhaps when you do decide to accept something you know the memories may eventually come back....or they may never come back. Either way you have to decide to either accept something happened to you and try and heal it or you can decide to put it off waiting for a memory to appear. I think this is similar to what Lisa is saying she is doing.

I remember a lot of details from childhood and since. There are also some blank spots. I remember enough things to keep me working in therapy for the rest of my life. I've been advised by therapists that I don't need to dig to deep for anything.

The importance of remembering for me seems to be in explaining why I react, think and behave in the strange ways that I do. When I want to change something in the now, I have to seperate out today's reality from the trauma of the past. Sometimes knowledge isn't enough to change, but sometimes a single thought can change my perspective.

WorkingThruIt (Great name BTW) you have started a most interesting thread.

I constantly research this issue. Personally I have struggles with my own memory, and I know family members who do. I'm also aware of the damage that unqualified working from home 'counsellors' can do by planting memories and the subsequent effect on families.

It is extremely frustrating to not have a concrete memory, for sure. But what I am doing is trying to deal with what I do know, rather then what I don't. Sometimes I think I distract myself with the 'what I don't know' to avoid dealing with the 'what I do know'.

Nicolette, I was not aware of your own personal trauma, and I'm sorry you have had this experience. Thank you for sharing.

I recently asked my therapist if it would be better to try and remember my abuse. He said the brain has a way of blocking out the trauma so we don't remember and it is best left alone. Maybe, mentally it could really tear us apart. Move forward!
sunnydaze

Hi
I blocked out all memories for 12 years and then suddenly they came back bit by bit within the space of a couple of months. I hate knowing what happened but i know that seeing as i do know, ignoring them isnt going to help me recover. There are still a couple of hazy bits. I know roughly waht happened with these but no details and not what order in. I want to know about every little detail even though i know i will hate it. Does that make sense? I just think that for me i would rather know and deal with it (no matter how hard) so that i can start to heal. I worry that if i dont remember all of the hazy bits then, if i do heal, that later in life they will come back and i will have to start all over again with the healing. Just my personal opinions and worries but it is different for all of us.

Working in CBT and writing and listening to the trauma over and over....definately lessened my symptoms.so I beleive that this works...at least it did for me.

Before I got my really bad flashbacks, (yes I remembered alot, just not the all of it.) I kept telling doctors and staff that it was something they said and something they did I need to remember.
Well the flood gates finally opened and wouldn't shut again for what seemed like an eternity.
Now I know what they said and what they did, but I would never want to remember all of the flashbacks, Lord hear me now!!!!!!!! Never.
My mind remembers what I did to change myself due to the trauma, and when one comes that I don't feel I need to go thru, I will avoid the processing of it, trying to make it not as powerful. Sometimes I have luck, most times I don't, but I truly believe you don't need to remember ever single detail. Why would I want to, I know they were sick,
but if part of my defenses was strengthened by what they did, I can work on me, like getting closer to others, when I really just want to live on a deserted island alone.