I don't really know where to start with this.

I came across this forum while desperately looking for helpful advice.

When I was in 8th grade I sort of went "crazy" in a sense and got forced into counseling. The lady Diagnosed me with PTSS. The thing is, I was extremely resistant and told her the bare minimum to get out of the counseling and I don't know if I was really ready to stop or whether I was misdiagnosed or if there was something she missed completely.

Recently the symptoms I was told were associated with the PTSS have started to worsen, by alot. Its really interfering with my life. I really want to see a doctor but I do not have money or medical insurance.

When I was in second grade, I was put in the care of a very negligent babysitter. And by negligent I mean she stayed in her house and did not allow us to go in her house, she only let us be outside and in the basement where she never actually supervised us. There were other kids(much older) there, who I later learned had very abusive families, who picked on me for fun.

And by picked on me I mean they hurt me, alot. I remember the "games" they played. They liked to play hide and seek. I always had to hide. In a grass field. And when they found me they would team up in beating me, they would never stop no matter how much I begged. They only stopped when they got bored. They also frequently locked me in a trunk and carried me up the stairs and rolled it down the stairs until they got bored and just left me there for 2 hours until the baby sitter would actually come check and let me out. There was more, but I'm not going to bother listing it all.

My parents started catching on after a while because of all the injuries I always came home with. I always lied and said I fell or something, I didn't tell on the other kids because I was afraid they would hurt me worse.

after pulling me out of that day care my father sent me to martial arts lessons so I could defend myself. All was good for awhile.

And then my parents started hitting me. I was prescribed an ADD medication that was later pulled from the market that put me in horrible pain. Kids still made fun of me. I had a kid on the school bus who every single day would sit there repeating "kill yourself" to me. All of that combined I really started losing it. One night I decided I would kill myself, I wrote a suicide letter but then another part of me said I shouldn't be so quick to decide that. I made myself sleep on it. The next day I told someone at school about what was going through my head and said while I really wanted to die another part of me didnt want that. I didn't know what to do. So thats how I got forced into the counseling.

I didnt want to be there, I didn't tell her everything. She did explain to my parents that they can not hit me anymore as that was making things worse. That helped greatly. My parents did care about me, they just lost their temper alot because I was a very frustrating kid.

After that, my life and social standing improved over time.

But now, I'm getting Panic Attacks more and more frequently, I'll get really depressed for no reason over nothing in public and start crying. It's really embarrassing, I don't know what I can do to control it if it even can be controlled.

Moreover I feel as if I'm in a constant state of depression, Childhood memories keep invading my thoughts, and I frequently find that I am fighting some other side of me. I'm starting to remember more old memories that did not previously come into play. I keep getting barraged by suicidal thoughts and I have to keep telling myself "I have no reason to be unhappy I don't want to die why do I keep thinking this?" I'm at a point in my life where I really should not be miserable, which makes it very strange that its getting worse now. Why is it that I feel as if there is a "me" and then there are these miserable feelings that are their own entity always pulling me down?

I'm sorry if this post makes for a hard read, but someone please help me. I don't know what to do, and I do not understand what is going on. But it is scaring me. I don't even know if this really is PTSS/PTSD. So please tell me your thoughts, and what I can do to help this.

Hi Zagnut,
It sounds like you have PTSD to me. I suggest that you take a look at the assessment forms on this site, to see if you fit the criteria. I suggest seeking a professional diagnosis and counseling. Look on this site for more information on PTSD and coping strategies. Talk about your past. Look on this site and do whatever you are comfortable with doing now.

Hi Zagnut, welcome to the forum. I cannot tell you whether it is PTSD or PTS or not, as only that can be assessed face to face with a psychiatrist. I would say the best thing for you at present, is simply to talk about the acts that occurred against you, to start looking at why these people did these things, ie. they are just nasty people, or they where continuing an abuse cycle as they too where abused. You would know more about it than I, as you lived it. You have to look in your past and try to piece together what was going on. Whatever the outcome, is simply a matter of taking that perceived outcome that you believe the most accurate and working through it, applying reason, rationale, commonsense, etc. Your here, that's a great start. The best thing now is for you to keep going though, start a diary if needed, help yourself by getting it out of you and trying to put the pieces of your trauma together so that you can understand it, comprehend it, process it, then deal with it in the best way that suits you.

Hello,
I am so sorry you had to go through this as a kid. Kids can be mean and rotten. Maybe, there is somewhere where you live that you can get free or very low priced help. Anthony is right, try writing a diary even if you do nothing else with it. My T suggested that for me because I don't have anyone to talk to about my problems. Than he suggested this forum and I hope I don't drive anyone nuts with my writings but it is getting memories out that I forgot about and thought it didn't bother me but obviously, it has.
sunnydaze

Thank you, I think this has been the most valuable resource I've found on the internet in a long time.