nonabug, "You need a hand" and that I need and deserve compassion really struck home for me. I have so little experience receiving care and compassion, it's uncomfortable for me to accept. It's even more difficult to ask for. I guess I need to continue to remind myself that just because I can be alone with the pain doesn't mean that I have to. I have yet to learn that it is okay to have emotional needs. It's a foreign concept.

Everyone, as for a career change...NOT AN OPTION YET. I love emergency medicine. I enjoy the variety and I enjoy the challenge of the chaos. I am at my best when census and acuity is at its highest. I would be bored working in any other area of healthcare. I am an adrenaline junkie. These past few weeks, feeling a little defeated, I did consider my alternatives. Going back to school would be my first option. However, it's not a quick solution.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself which is why I believe recovery is possible. Although this is an entirely different beast than I have ever dealt with before, it's nothing compared to trying to get sober, overcoming hopeless depression, and lethal suicidal ideations and attempts. It's a part of my past that I am usually too ashamed to speak of. I was told I was going to need to take medication for the rest of my life for bipolar disorder. Well, miracles do happen. I haven't been medicated and I haven't had to experience that nightmare of an existence again. I am sure those in the profession would say I am only enjoying a remission from illness. That may be true. I beg to differ. I have worked so very hard to become who I am today in order to prevent that from happening again. I don't believe I would survive it if there was a next time.

Again, I am willing to work just as hard to recover from this. In December, I told my therapist that learning to cope with and manage the symptoms is not enough. Well, I think she listened. I can't say I like the idea of focusing on emotions but I am doing it. It is painful. Being emotionally unsophisticated to start with, it's even more difficult for me to do. If this doesn't help, I am even willing to be medicated again. Only then will I quit doing what I love to do.

A very sincere thank you from me, a person with a whole long list of reasons to end up in the ER over the years. Thank you to all of you here for all the genuine dedication to your jobs, and caring for strangers.