As part of my healing, I made the effort to find a church that I felt comfortable in, and became a part of it... last May.

I got involved in the choir, in a couple of women's circles and in sunday school. (Way too much, I see that now.)

In December, I started having a recurrence of my worst ptsd symptoms. I think it had a lot to do with expectation about the holidays, but whatever the cause, I stopped going out. The last time I was in sunday school, I started crying because I hate feeling so blue over the holidays. People were sympathetic, and that only made me feel worse.

Now the women in my church groups have been sending me "get well" cards, and calling to check on me. I feel like I'm being stalked and attacked, even though I know that's not what they are doing. I won't answer the phone anymore.

I have started going to classes two days a week, so maybe that's part of it all too, I can only handle so much.

What really gets to me about this whole thing is that my wonderful husband, Tommy, enjoys going to church, and loves it when we go together. I feel like I have failed him YET AGAIN. He doesn't say that, he's very supportive and understanding.

Hiya Amazonbelle

As sufferers of PTSD we often find than immersing ourselves in an activity can be a coping strategy. It keeps us to keep so busy that we have little time to think and we like that. I am not saying, however, that this was the only reason you enjoyed church or that it was your reason for joining. however, it is a good thing to face our fears and immesing ourselves in something can be a way of avoiding the confontation of those fears. lord knows i have done that so much myself.

We can also sometimes not be good at facing people who care for and are concerned for us and therefore break all ties - something i again have done a lot. Just another way of avoiding our worst fears.

I know that i also get very paranoid at times and assume that someone is only feigning interest in order to get hold of gossip - Is that something you do or not? I try to tell myself that it is just my paranoia again

You are right that we can anly handle so much. - Search for the post on the cup of PTSD - it rings true for me and so many others.

What i am saying is that it is good to face your fears. this is something i have already learnt from the very few days i have been on this forum. But i also know that it is incredibly difficult to face them from my personal experience today. But i do believe that confrontation and dealing with things is the fastest way to recovery no matter how hard.

What i am not saying is that you shoudl confront your fears now - that is something you have to decide for yourself. Perhaps it is not the right time or place. perhaps it is still to hard for you to do.

I know your hubby has joined the site too and i am sure that he would agree with me (even tho i do not really know him) in saying that he would not expect you to pretend that you were ok with going to church if you werent really. So you have not failed him - you are just being honest about your feelings towards going to church. I'm glad that you have such a good husband to support you in this.

Personally i would love to go to church but feel i am unable to becasue i would just break down into pieces and i couldnt stand that in public. I am trying very hard to face my trauma and although i do not like doing it what so ever i know that it is the right thing for ME to do. Maybe once i have worked this through i will be able to face going to church or maybe i will feel that i do not need to. Besides i believe that if you want to worship then you dont HAVE to go to church.

Take care and thinking of you

AmazonBelle,

I could have written your post about myself!

We moved to a new, smaller town about two years ago to aid in my recovery (which did help) and started attending a new church. I got way overinvolved for the 1st month, attendance 3x/week, women's group, etc. After a couple months I crashed, couldn't go, and people kept calling to inquire. I would try to show up about once a week, and if I'd miss one time they'd call.

I know in my head somewhere that is normal and right and what you want from a church family, caring and concern about your personal life. But somehow in my ptsd-head it felt intrusive. I just wanted to be left alone!

Every once in a while I try to recommit myself to attending at least once a week without fail, but it never lasts for long. I do seem to average going at least twice a month, sometimes three times.

I finally realized I cannot go twice on Sunday, just simply cannot, if I expect to function on Monday. Due to my dh's schedule, I always try to make it on Sunday night to take my kids to their youth clubs when he is at work. That's my commitment level -- get the kids to youth and stay for that service.

When there's a need to sign up for delivering a dinner to an ill person's family, I do sign up for a day very convenient for me where I'll have the whole day to cook and the whole day before to shop for the ingredients. But I get nervous about meeting the commitment the few days before.

Anything above that is gravy, and I just don't beat myself up about it anymore. I can only do what I can do, and pushing myself to do more has more negative consequences than the positive benefit of whatever I had managed to do.

FLF

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Thank you for your reply. And that is exactly what happens to me in church... I break down into pieces, and I can't stand being that vulnerable in front of a group of people.

Thank you for responding, FLF. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who has been through this. I feel like a real failure, and that I've let down those nice, well-meaning ladies at church... but I tried, and I just can't tolerate that level of involvement. At least not for now. I recently started going to college again, and it's all I can manage.