Hi there Msktaylor,

You sound as though you are really hurting and feeling really alone, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. My heart goes out to you.

But there are some things in your email that confuse me.. I am hoping it is okay to ask some questions... (they may not be the ones you want to hear).

Re: "I still havent met anyone who has been abused because of their husbands PTSD and flashbacks."

I am not at all familiar with combat related PTSD, so I might be off base here. But I do have PTSD from abuse, and I've been battling it for a long, long time so I'm familiar with most of the symptoms. I might be wrong here, but I am pretty sure that having PTSD does not make your husband abuse you. Rather, it makes your husband very, very angry and rageful - but he still has a choice as to what to do with that rage. If I am wrong there, somebody, please correct me. I think it is important not to let him use his trauma as an excuse for bad behaviour towards you.

Re: "i refuse to go to civilian womens shelters for the fact they are "victims" ."

Or, maybe could we instead see them as brave women who have taken an enormously positive, but difficult step, by fleeing violence and breaking free of the cycle of domestic abuse?

Another question... If this treatment program doesn't work, and your husband hurts you again after he has come home, are you planning to stay? Have you thought about some sort of deadline, after which you maybe say to yourself that you can't keep sacrificing yourself for his well being?

Very last question... Let's say the treatment works and your husband never harms you ever again... will you be able to feel safe with him?? I can't help thinking that it would hard not to be on edge and on guard, because once you've been hit ... you never really can know for sure that it won't happen again can you??

I'm sorry if this is abrupt, or makes you uncomfortable, it is not meant to be hurtful or harmful in any way. I hope you find a way out of your pain.

KM

Hi all,

I'm wondering what has happened to msktaylor? Are you out there? Are you reading this? Let us know how you are doing.

Earlier in the thread, Msktay had said she was being flown somewhere for a 1-2 week counseling session. She did not say when exactly, however perhaps she has already departed.

Good thinking! Thank you for saying that. I was worrying a little.

KM, for further clarification, Msktay has been around for a while; she is not a new member by any means. She is quite a busy person and I often do not see her for weeks at a time.

sorry its been a few days. i havent been home that much. trying to stay busy and when i am home, i tend to clean or organize.

im trying to catch up on posts and stuff too.

but as far as PTSD making him abusive. i think its kind of hand in hand. his flashbacks and situations that trigger the flashbacks have caused him to abuse. PTSD is just in there with that. as far as anger and irritability. its is most definatly his responsibility when it comes to taking action and hitting. but at most times, he doesnt even realize what hes doing. hes off in this world that is hard to bring him out of. at first it began with me hitting him back or smacking his face as tho to get him to snap out of it and realize its ME, his WIFE. and not the iraqi that was attacking him.

but by no means have we ever used it as an excuse or to make it ok. its never ok. it just took us a very long time to realize that. even tho the whole time we both knew better. its never ok. and last year i drew the line.

as for the question about the victims of DV shelters, the way i was treated by the state workers, was like i should be acting like a victim and i personally have never felt like one and wanted to be a survivor. i have nothing against people who go to the shelters, they do what they feel is best and there is nothing wrong with that. its just not for me at this time in my life. later, maybe, but right now, its not. our situation in my eyes, as well as from what my counselors have said and agree that we are not living the normal "cycle of dv" and that it is based on his mental health issues and PTSD. its not an excuse, i guess more of an explanation. and also the more reason he should be getting treatment.

people would look at my story and wonder do i feel safe. and i dont think unless someone was me, they could ever understand. my thought process has always been different then my peers. and sometimes thats hard for me, cuz it makes me feel so alone. but i feel safe with him. i know 110% he would never hurt our kids. and im not going to say the same about me even after treatment. you never know. but its not that i dont feel safe.

through our fights, i had to adapt. and unfortunatly the bad side of it, is that when we would fight, it wasnt just him hitting me. i learned to defend myself. and i have done a good job at it. but thats where we both are trying to change and learn from the past. and never want to go down that road ever again. its going to take both of us. and the good thing about it is, that its up to us. we have control over it. it helps us both to know we are supported and to have help when and where we need it. my husband got upset before he left to treatment because i told him about my "what if" plans. the what if we fought again, what if he hurt me again, what ifs. he thought i was going to leave and i told him, i cant do it forever. if things got to where they were last year, i HAVE to leave. if not for me, for the kids. right now theyre too young to even know whats goin on, but theyll be affected if it happends now or later. and i cant have that. but im not scared of being hit. i was in the army, went thru the training and it just really hasnt scarred me like peolpe think it would. it was easier for me to be hit sometimes. and i got to where i prefered it. but thats when he wouldnt do it. if i had a bruise, i could see and feel the pain. emotional hurt is hard for me cuz i cant see it. and sometimes dont know its there until it builds and adds up. a bruise you can ice and it heals and is gone. emotional is so much harder to heal. and i have a lot of emotional issues from before i met him. so it just wasnt good for either of us. and ive learned that its just not ok to get physical no matter what.

its ok about your answers. sometimes it makes me upset, but no one could ever possibly begin to understand our lives. some try to, but just dont get it. and thats ok. i have hope that a year from now, ill be looking back and saying weve put sweat and tears into making this relationship what it is today. and that we got over what a lot of couples cant or wont. and some may not agree, but my friends that i have here, back me up completely 100% as well as him. they know hes not a vicious violent person. hes just been trained to kill and has killed in order to stay alive, and now doesnt have the abilities to shut the switch off. and he needs help. with love, support, and patience, i beleive he can make a huge life change and learn alot from treatments. he will be at this program for 4 months, then come home for i think they said 3-6 months, go back for 30 days, come home for 3 months, and then go back again for 30 days and so on... to make sure hes getting "maintance treatment" i guess is what some of them call it. and then well both im sure be going to counseling together as well as individual.

i hope my answers dont make anyone mad.. sometimes peoples response to my story seem really harsh and demeaning, but its not affecting them and im not to make anyone mad. its just the unfortunate 4 year happenings of my life. that are forever changing. im happy to say that it has been since july of last year that he put his hands on me, other then to hug and hold =) so at least theres some positive!