thankyou to those who have noticed my post...... I am having a lot of trouble trying to work out how to use the forum,my head feels so mashed i cant always work out how to put things on here but i will keep trying!I have always hidden my symptoms from my close family as best i can,they all saw me go through such horrendous times,quite frightening for them i guess... Some days i dont even beleive that ptsd can ever stop itself from being constanly there with you .I am 5 years on from when it started for me and still suffering terribly.I still cry and blame myself for everything that happened to me as if it was something i deserved. My partner tells me , no one deserves what you suffered, but i cant get this into my head at all.
When i was first diagnosed,i told the docs,it was like i was inside myself,but the outer person wasnt me... Behaving in the most strangest of ways, something i,me, wouldnt do.... Has anyone else felt like that? I dont think i iwll ever forget that feeling,it still happens now quite often infact.

Your welcome cas, and your doing just fine. Forums can take a while to get used too, especially if your not typically upon them or frequent them. They can be quite overwhelming at times.

hiya
I know what you mean about being one person on the inside and a totally different one on the outside. The outside person is just like a mask for your real self? Thats how it is with me anyway. So you arent alone in feeling like that.

This site has helped me to realise that although it may be hard, i have to learn to take off that mask and face things. i need to stop pretending becasue its not doing me any favours. But we are all different. I hope you find the right way for you to recover too. This an excellent place to start so well done for taking the first step.

Take care

Yes, I had an indian woman that would sit indian style above me, and i would go up into her and try no to see what they were doing to me. But on the worst days, it was to sad for her to see, and I would have to go it alone.
You have ptsd, we have ptsd, I have gone thru everything you are going thru now.
Words are very impacting during abuse, if an abuser says negative things like you deserve this, or no one will care, your mind begins to believe it. I had to fight hard to give back the words in my head that were not mine, so that I could begin to heal and feel worthy of any and all help I recieved and will continue to recieve.
God doesn't make crap, (he made some wicked ones however and we all know that) but he made you special, now its time for you to feel it, step by step, babysteps is all we can take. Hope these words helped.

i never realised so many people are suffering,i have read a few of the threads etc on here,it is quite harowing,but i notice we all have these awful same type of symptoms.it is a great comfort to me that at last after all these years someone can atually relate to what it is i am saying and feeling.Family try to understand i know,but they cannot fully understand what it feels like inside you.I did try talking to a pshycologist,i managed two sessions,i just couldnt deal with it,she seemed very dissmisive of me when i said i just couldnt do what she was asking me too.I still after 5 years havnt been back to where the attack took place!although it is only 2 miles from my home.This is a huge deal for me,people say it is where i should start,mmmmmmmm.........