Tammy,

I too am in a similar spot, but I am confused by my feelings. I want to know, and don't want to know.

I'm glad that you had the courage to push forward and dig for what you need.

Good job!!!!

Hi Awakening, She Cat, and et all, thanks for the support. I hadn't considered that it would be difficult for others to pursue this. I am feeling a little unsure about calling people out of the blue and asking them such questions. But this is one sure way to get to the truth, as I am a little skeptic on hypnosis after doing some research.

I read about repressed memories here on the forum and there was a statement about "get the facts from other people" or something to that effect. I just decided that is the route to take first.

One thing that caught my attention about that post is that Nam mentioned that the age you first feel the memory is the age the perpetrator was. This is very revealing because the first time I remember the feeling I was 32 and pregnant. This would have been the age range of X. But also there are others in that age range that could fit the description.

I told my rape councilor about the one incident with my grandfather and she told me that could be the reason I got so upset when I seen my son in boxer shorts. I had to tell my son not to run around the house in boxer shorts and blamed it on my daughter being at an age where she is curious. He didn't have a problem with it. I didn't want to go into why "I" didn't want him wearing them without pants or shorts so it was better just to tell him it was for my daughter. I don't like lying to him but he doesn't need to know all this crap as he has seen enough of my problems. At the time I told him this I didn't make the connection about my grandfather wearing only boxer shorts, my councilor pointed it out. (My grandfather's intentions could have been sincere, but I have no idea)

I guess the deeper I dig the more I keep finding. I have at least 15 things I need to deal with already. See (trauma diary) and don't have the time to invest in it all.

I need to pay attention to my family and feel some guilt that I'm always working on my issues.

Thanks for everyone's support and input.
Tammy

I would want to know.
I have flashbacks and partial memories at times, and some weird creepy feelings about things, similar to your feelings about why your son should not wear boxer shorts.
That's why i want to know everything, and EMDR helps me have more memories and flashbacks and gets more memories to come back so I can work on healing.
Yes, it hurts, but in the end, it's going to be for the best because I will be more healed, I hope. I am more healed now that I was 2 years ago.
I have memories of my father walking around the house in see through white cotton thin underwear. Our house was very old and the shower was in the basement and he would not let me cover myself with anything more than a towel, and I had to walk past him in the living room to get to my bedroom, wrapped in that towel after my shower. There were no locks on the doors. I should have killed him. He is dead now, but he will never be dead enough.
Your brain shuts off memories that are too terrible to remember so you can survive daily living when you are a child. You have to rely on those people to live. I think it's related to 'learned helplessness.' You just stop fighting back.
When I turned about 14 I stopped being passive and threatened to kill him with a cast iron skillet, and he reduced the abuse to verbal and the occasional hitting.
The younger memories, I assume, are going to be more than one-time events. When people molest children, they are caregivers, and they do it on a regular basis. If your instincts are about boxer shorts, you are probably right.

Hi 2quilt, hope your doing good.

Now that I think of it I could almost bet there is more than one perp that has abused me. I'm really sick of all this crap and think I need a break from it. I know my husband does.

I'm going to try and take a week off, of not thinking about it and then get to the bottom of it.

Take care
Tammy

Tammy, that is correct, in that it is a personal choice. Sometime you don't have the choice, and the memories just come back at some point in your life and tell you they must now be dealt with. If you have to go looking, so be it, though I doubt any person could tell you whether they watched you be abused... being the factual aspect of this. I would be quite careful though when a therapist tells you that you could have been abused when younger, because now your brain has become focused on this. You can believe with PTSD what you choose, though PTSD tends to take any negative aspect and amplify it and even create new trauma for you that never happened. Be careful IMHO....

I would never recommend hypnotism to remember trauma, not a good method. If you think something exists, go to an EMDR expert and tell them you think it exists, though EMDR will find it if it does. EMDR is a far better method of finding hidden trauma. If it doesn't find it, then disregard it and rule it out of your mind to then concentrate on further known aspects.

The therapist that told me this said it about 18 years ago. I dismissed it and asked my sister (who is now dead) what she thought. She said I was safe and laughed at the thought of it.

If I was safe then how could I end up 5 blocks from my house when I was 5 years old? (I wont let my daughter leave the back yard) Not knowing where my mom was and locked out of the house. This happened all of the time. I didn't see my sister anywhere around either so how would she know. (Your right most people wouldn't know for sure unless they witnessed it)

Once when I was wondering around the neighborhood at age six I happened to bump into my brother who told me the Good Year blimp shoots bullets at little girls and I should go home. (This scared the crap out of me)

After that I didn't leave the house until the Good Year Blimp was gone. He probably did me a favor or I would have been abducted the way I wandered around the neighborhood at such a young age. I had men in cars stop and talk to me, and offer me rides. I was not safe by any means I was neglected.

Anyway, I found a place that does EMDR and will check into it. I think the price will be an issue though.

I may just let it go for awhile and let it surface on it's own (If it exists). I'm not so freaked out about it now as I was. For some reason the thoughts and feelings I had were making me shake inside and out. Then for two days I was on "lockdown" with no emotions or feelings about anything. Now I'm just plain sick of dealing with whats what.

Thanks for your input Anthony. I will sit on this for awhile and if it surfaces again I will go with the EMDR if I can afford it.

Tammy

I've gone through all this too. Knowing things just weren't right. Things that you look back on as an adult and you KNOW it was inappropriate behavior. I have been told by several different therapists over the years that they believe I was molested but I have no direct memory of it. I never discussed this with my family so when it was brought up by my step satan that he thought I was probably spreading rumors that he had molested me...I found that suspicious. Like you, Seeking Nirvana, I got the courage up to finally ask a relative if there was anything that the family ever suspected. She broke down crying! She said that my mother was even confronted by family members, that they begged her to do something, to leave my step satan. She told them they didn't know what they were talking about. In a way I felt validated... the man makes my skin crawl, and I feel ill around him, feel like I need a shower after I am around him. It helped me to get information. He has always tried to label me mentally ill, defective and a liar. A lot of my emotional problems are a direct result of his actions as he was abusive in MANY ways, but he has a degree in social work and tries to use that credential to make people think I am insane. Throws out some bigs words and mentions his degree. The older I have gotten though the more I see that OTHER people see through his BS too, and that helps. What I'm trying to say is that with my memories being fuzzy but having so many red flags pointing to being molested and my symptoms being stronger around him...it was all a bunch of confusion that I didn't need added to the rest of the crap going on inside me... I needed some validation to be able to finally accept it and rightfully claim my anger. I will never be over it but the validation of his evils makes it a little more bearable for me to suffer through, my anger is a comfort sometimes and feels clearer in my head than fuzzy confusion.

Hi Strawberry,

I know this all sucks. I just spoke to another aunt yesterday and she stated that she heard that X molested me and my sister. So I have two conformations now that X was the one who molested me.

This aunt I spoke to had more information about the subject than the other aunt. But she couldn't tell me how old I was. I still don't have the whole picture of what happened and don't remember X ever bothering me like that.

I have went over and over my past, and when I remember being around him I have a few red flags but nothing that makes my skin crawl. It is frustrating not remembering.

I called a place that does EMDR and they told me they don't deal with repressed memories. I'm thinking about calling some other places though, because I want the full memory so I can move on.

Tammy

Tammy, your doing all the right things now... your learning slowly to what your brain is telling you. Your brain is telling you something you do not recall, so your going fact finding to help prove or disprove your memory.

I'm frustrated not knowing because I'm scared that it could be my dad. I doubt it was, but I couldn't handle it if it was, I would die. If it was one of my uncles, brother or grandfather I won't worry about that.

I love my dad so much and I couldn't handle learning that it was him. I don't have any weird feelings about him or my brother but I haven't ruled them out.

As soon as I find out it wasn't my dad I can rest and move forward. I'm focusing on X though and I just don't remember anything.

Thanks for everyone's support and comments.
Tammy