It happened when I was 15; 44 years ago. I awoke from a deep sleep to unimaginable pain. A pain so hot, so gruesome I don't have words to describe it. Awareness brought the full horror to my mind - I was being raped - by my twin brother. That awareness brought shame. My father had warned us boys about "those men" who like men and boys. He warned that they did unspeakable things. Until that moment I never knew exactly what he was talking about.

When it was over I got up, got dressed, and went to the barn. There I tried to hang myself, but failed. So I went back inside, lay on the sofa, and slept with one eye open until dawn, and my father, arose.

Over the next 16 months my brother raped me about a dozen times. He whispered that I like it, that it was my fault it was happening, that if I told anyone he would swear I started everything. I bought into his lies.

For 40 years I carried this secret with me. Then my brother died and all the terrible pain, the memories, the haunting nightmares, came back with a vengeance. Within eight years my marriage fell apart. I couldn't relate to anyone and tried to hide my loneliness and despair by acting out sexually. I married when I wasn't ready and that marriage fell apart in 6 months.

Now I know, doctors tell me it is Chronic PTSD. The battle is now joined.

Hi Yman, don't worry about what doctors label you with.... its all nonsense and bears no relevance to what is going on within you. Chronic only means it is PTSD, it is incurable now, no longer PTS which is still curable. Labels are labels, none of which affect the problem.

No longer do you have to carry the secret Yman, now instead talk about it as much as possible for your own well being. Yes, your going to get ill from this, have no doubt about it, but you will come out the other end if you want to heal from this, which I suspect you do as here you are.

Hi Yman. Welcome to the forum and I am sorry to read of your trauma.

There is a lot of help to be found reading here and participating.

Welcome to the forum....i am sorry about the trauma you experienced.

hi yman

I am so sorry to read about your terrible experience.......i am sure you will find some comfort and support here

casx

Yman - I got groped by a mate of mine in the US Navy. Make mine seem trivial compared to what you withstood. 'Course I was 20 yrs old.

I met a fella' I really liked in the psych ward at the VA hospital in Seattle. A black guy. He was raped by other sailors when he was in the brig. He said it hurt real bad. When he said that, like it hit me. Somehow I had a connection with him. I always have with African-American's. It hit me . . . he was held down, helpless, and someone was doing something to him in the most private area of his body.

In a way I was lucky. I always felt I could talk to my mom about anything. She was a lioness. Once I told her a dog bit me while I was doing my paper route. She got in the car dragging me along, I didn't ask her, and she drove around for an hour looking for that dog. Kind of glad she didn't find it . . . she would've maybe bit it in the neck and ripped its throat out.

Maybe that's why I don't have any self-consciousness about telling all the shit that happened to me. When I was a kid, I guess I always knew, unconsciously, that if something happened and I told my mom she'd bloody well kill the bloody bastards.

Well, I don't feel guilt . . . but damn, I sure got conditioned instantly to not fall asleep. Insomnia is my worst problem. Nope I'm not guilty of anything. But I got insomnia anyway. Bloody bastard.

PS Ya know gang, when I read about this stuff . . . I don't know. I get real angry . . . I want to hurt someone. I mean I really want to go our find him/her and hurt them. I wouldn't . . . maybe. But I want to. Doesn't seem right or Christian. I don't know . . . just makes me mad and I want to be the wrath that smites them sinful bloody bastards down. God forgive me.

I know what you mean. It's not fair than any of us have to be here for whatever reason, and sometimes I just want to go out and get some kind of justice. But that's not who I am. I'm not violent. I just feel it inside. It's not right that any of us should have to feel the pain that brings us together on this forum and it makes me so angry and sick to the core.

But fair and right doesn't come into it.. it is what it is and we have to deal and move forward. Deal with the anger and move on but don't let it destroy you.

Welcome Yman. I know I'm delayed with my welcome, but I don't regularly frequent here- I am a ship that passes int he night. What happened to you was horrific, and it's going to hurt for a long time to come I'm afraid.. but the pain will gradually lessen, and one day it might be so small you won't think about it. I don't think these traumas ever leave us, but we can learn to cope with them in a way that we control them, instead of them controlling us. Take care x