Hi there Carers'.
I have posted a few times here and there. It's been over a month now that my BF went into his shell and numbed out. We've had 2 conversations since then. He can't come out and say that he wants to be in relationship with me, and doesn't want to hold me back, but that I am his "rock and his strength' during the most stressful time in his life. I told him I am there for him. I know in my heart that he is not the man I met 4 months ago.
He has a new purpose now...to do with his Native culture and they have deemed his as a "healer" to fight the drug wars on the reserves. He is part Native and part Dutch, and very unique. I think it's wonderful that he is going back to his roots and becoming the man he was meant to be. I also know that there is no room in that for me. We live 5 hours apart and he doesn't call or text me anymore, but still wants a connection with me. Wants me to keep contacting him. He wants to see me next Friday. I guess I'll know for sure at that point and i can tell him how I feel. I've spent too many nights crying myself too sleep. I've educated myself about PTSD as much as I can for now. He cares for me I know, but I don't think I'm being selfish when I say I need more than 1 call per month. Life goes on and it hurts so much....to think that we never got the chance to see where it could have gone. He is a wonderful man, just not emotionally available. I don't want to give up on him, but I know I need more. Guess I have to tell him. I know where that will end up? Or should I just wait for him to "Un-thaw??)
I don't know anymore. Help.
Saira

Siara,

It sounds like you're going thru a situation that is rather similar to mine.

I can only relate too well in how in-between you feel. You know he'll come back around, but you also know that you deserve more than that. And, that's exactly what I'd tell him. Tell him that you simply cannot live your life in this in-between place. You want to be there for him, as long as he actively tries to remain in this relationship. But, at this point, he isn't even trying. And you need to establish some kind of balance in your life. He is tossing you all around emotionally, and that is NOT fair to you.

Two days ago, I sent mine a letter telling him to go to therapy and to learn to like himself. I told him that it is not until he does these things that he can have a proper relationship. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I would suggest that you communicate with him boundaries. Because, the thing is, your BF is ill. He needs help more than he needs a relationship right now. And, I'm sure he probably knows that. Which is why he's pulled away.

Best of luck to you, Saira. And, please feel free to send me an email, if you need someone to talk to.

Lindsay

Lindsay, you give me shivers. You sound like an new woman.

Great advice there.

Saira, a relationship should not cause you this much hurt 4 months in. If someone is wonderful but not available, your focus needs to be on the 'not available' as you cannot have wonderful with that. You say you don't want to give up on him yet he has already given up on you as he is not available yet wants you to be the one that keeps contact happening...doesn't sound like he wants to be with you if you ask me.

I am sorry if my comments cause you pain but you deserve to be happy and you needn't put your life on hold for some man who is not available. Put yourself out there and you may be surprised as there is definitely more than one wonderful man.

If you decide to wait instead, I think you then need to put a reasonable time frame on it and stick to it. You don't want to end up looking back on your life realising you have wasted all your time on a hope that someone may "un-thaw". The only thing you have for sure is the 'now' and it is good to have dreams and goals but wanting something to change which you can't control is a very different thing.

Thank you Nicolette.
I know you're right. When I read it in black and white, it doesn't sound like he wants to be with me. He wants to have me in his life at a distance and on his terms which is what he needs right now. But it's not what I need, I'm getting to know that more and more each day. Focusing on the now is a challange, but I feel a little less pain as the days pass. I will always be there for him, I guess just not in a romantic way. I can't put my life on hold wishing for what I knew "could have been".
I am astounded at all the wonderful advice I have been given on this site. There is no way I can repay the kindness you have all shown. I will continue to view and interact with all of you and offer what I can. Blessings.

Kindness comes from the heart Sairdance as we do want you to be happy - there is nothing to repay . Do stay in touch and let us know how you are keeping.