This is the awful and funny all at the same time. It is 3:00 am...insomnia and there is sooo much going in in my life at this time my herpervigilance and really afraid feelings to be alone in a house have resurfaced....iT ACTUALLY KIND OF REALLS SUCKS.

So I am lying on the couch thinking about how pissed off I am because I have had to rewind the movie at least 1000 times because I keep zoming out and forgetting to watch because I am too worried about my health, future and praying that something will get better soon.

Anyway...I glanced out the window and I thought I saw a ****ing person in the large window. So as I get up to walk I pushed 911 an the phone...it rang once and then I hung up real quick and I guess they called right back and I didn't talk to anyone but DDDDUUUUHHHHH....that looks like someone could be in trouble. When they called back..the phone upstairs is off and the one with the ringer on is downstairs.....I didn't answer. I had looked outside and saw no foot prints in the snow and had my hot pepper spray in my hand.

About 10 minutes later the firetruck...and 5 police...at my door....well by now I just about peed my pants, my body was vibrating so hard, I thought I was going to puke and I could almost not form my words to tell her what actually just happened......and I told her I had PTSD and...now OK...it looked bad...I look really awful and sick right now and no sleep..sitting in the dark. So then she wants to check the house...I had to go with her and turn on all the lights...she wanted to see my son...took my name and phone number.

I feel like an idiot!

I am still shaking like a leaf but at least I don't think there is anyone outside anymore! Or in the house for that matter because then I thought I heard something downstairs.

BREATHE, BREATHE......I am torn between laughing at how stupid I feel or cry because I hate this disorder and I don't like this person.....I liked the old me way better. This shaking really bothers me because it makes me feel so out of control and it is visible....I am so used to having to be strong but I used to feel that way...I don't know how to do that anymore than I already have. Maybe this is as good as it will get due to my PTSD and other health problems. The whole situation is so confusing.

I am right there with ya!

Last night was bloody horrible for me too!

I just keep telling myself that this will get better as I progress through therapy and embrace acceptance!

Your emergency call; I have barricaded myself in my room before now as I was convinced that someone was downstairs. I even rang my ex when I was studying in my office as I was sure that I could here someone downstairs. He talked to me until I was brave enough to creep down the stairs to check that the house was all clear. Only to find my three guinea pigs having a midnight party together which was the cause of the noises I could here. They are like a herd of elephants, little buggers!

At the time it feels very serious!


I guess laughing would be good medicine though

Spirit x

Well Pand....The good thing is this....They came when you called, and there was no one outside.....

Hugs.....

well I realized that the way I was lying down that night and thrugh my path of vision was an empty water bottle and with exhaustion and stress my left eye get lazy and deviates to the left.....so I think that I glanced through the water bottle and then tried to re-focus and this made things out of focus. I am so on edge and frightful of my new landlord that I totally am catastrophizing things.....but I guess she cat you are right, I have to be thankful that they did show up so quickly and I know that if in fact he does show up this weekend because I am sure he is expecting more rent and he is not getting another penny from me....I am worried that he is going to try and make my life a living hell until I move. Life is hard but I guess it is as hard as I allow it to be. I feel like I am just treading water right now enough to keep my head above water....at least I am not drowning yet but it sure feels like it.

pandora
Now you can laugh this story would make a good comedy act now that the emergency is over. As far as worry and sleep, you now know how long it would take to get help if you really needed it. That should make you have a better sense of security. I too didn't sleep well last night. By time I was in a good sleep it was morning and my grandson was being delivered to my door.
sunnydaze

I'm sorry, Pandora! I know how embarrassing that can be. Before I was diagnosed PTSD, I called 911 to my house twice for what seemed to me to be very suspicious, dangerous circumstances. In retrospect, it was probably the hypervigilance and fear freaking me out.

But I know exactly what you mean, the terrified, frozen, pulsing fear. SO many nights I hear a noise and I just stand in my hallway, frozen and vibrating, waiting for whatever awful thing might happen next. I wish I knew how to make it stop. But I do feel better knowing I'm not the only person who does this.

I recently left my house in the middle of the night because I swore I heard someone bumping into things on the back deck. Turned out to be my neighbor, sorting recyclables! I laughed and cried at the same time, relieved and embarrassed and annoyed.

Well I am glad I am not the only one and I am glad that I am at least able to look at the comical side right now too.

Pandora,

This story made me laugh. It is good to see the humor in things, and it sounds so much like me. My poor husband sleeps in the living room because if he is in the room with me, I am punching him saying "did you hear that?" or "did you just see a flash of light?" He responds, if you close your eyes and go to sleep, you will not see and hear everything!

Sometimes I make statements like "they should not have built that fence like that. There is room for a person to hide and jump out when you are unlocking the door." His response, "Have you considered a career in the security business?"

Luckily, my husband finds humor in crazy actions and yes, I have called the police several times for things I "thought" I heard when my husband was away.