I agree with all replies of this thread a little. I seem to tell my T's right away of what I have been through and if they seem not compassionate towards me, I seek another. Some hear it than never want to discuss what has caused me to be the way I am today due to the tramas that I have been through. They think immediately lets move on and go forward. Than doesn't work for me.
I have truly been blessed with the last 3 T's. The first of these went on to bigger opportunities and I had to move on. The second moved to New Mexico. The one I see now is one I have been with through 12 years. He is the best of the best. He geniunely cares about me and when he doesn't hear from me in a while he calls checking up on me. What keeps me from not seeing him as often as I should is finances. He tells me not to worry about it but money worries have always been an issue with me. United States laws are trying to change the charges as a regular doc visit would cost instead of a fee and percentage.
sunnydaze

This is an interesting thread. I really try to push myself to share everything that seems relevant with my therapist. It can be hard to do and I usually bring notes with me so that I remember and can push myself to talk about things that are hard.

But I'm sure I'm also not the only one who has symptoms that really get in the way of disclosure. I'd say on average I dissociate 5 times a session. It gets in the way of speaking and is a real barrier to communication. When I'm there for therapy I find my ability to communicate is really limited. And this does mean the whole story doesn't always get across. I do recognise this a problem, but I'd be really furstrated with someone who felt I was deliberately wasting time and/or the government's money. I'm trying my best, and we're working together to try to find ways to get me to talk about things.

Well, I must put my 2 cents in at this point. Again! I am so impressed with the way this thread has affected you guys. The discussion are intense and insightful and very helpful to all of us.

One of you guys said something? that triggered a memory about my T.

I sometimes would leave his office and wonder why all I did was listen to his ramblings about his getaway cabin in the Carolinas? That was my impression of the session.

Once I got home, calmed down and digested the session, I realized that his ramblings were short and in his own incredible way redirected me to a point or memory I was avoiding.

He was so good at that, but I took it the wrong way everytime.As I look back on those sessions now, those were the ones where I got the most anger out of my system.

I'm just glad I did not take his ramblings as "not caring". I would have lost a good T.

Going back to my earlier post about the feeling of the "knife twisting in my heart" every time the trauma comes up, I think that, for me, not only is it a trust issue, but it's also a stability issue. Even with the PTSD and all that crap, I'm fairly stable. I can go to work, take care of things that need to get done, and basically function and lead (what appears to be) a "normal" life.

BUT, if I push myself too hard in threapy, and discuss things that I don't feel comfortable discussing, I am likely to become unstable and not be able to function. (And in fact, most of the times I have been on this brink of instability was due to things that were said during therapy rather than other triggers from the PTSD.) While I know most of you think that it's better to get it all out in order to heal, thinking more about the long term and all, this isn't as simple as it sounds. If I do get unstable, I can't work. If I can't work, I may lose my job. If I lose my job, I lose my house and all that I've worked for. If I lose my house, I have nowhere to live. Etcetera, etcetera. So for me, sometimes not being fully open IS what's best...at least for now.

My current therapist is someone who deliberately traumatized me in the past. I see him because he's free. I'm seeking other, more viable treatment options. Any suggestions on how to find a therapist without health insurance or money?

Nic

Understand the need to work and keep your life together. I was blessed beyond belief throughout my entire episode and breakdown. Mother was there to help.

I applied for disability and was lucky to receive it. But existing while I waited was a horror I would wish on no one! I always felt like I was about two days away from a cardboard box under a bridge.

As you may or may not know, I remember -ZERO- of my trauma. I have no clue what put me into this mess. Throughout the therapy I was getting, my T. took me to many unrelated issues, I thought, that I really did not want to visit. I guess my desire to be able to function was stronger than my fear---at the point!

I have no idea what I would do now if I had to return to work. I physically could not do it. My agoraphobia sends my body into a sick tail spin that does not ease until I know for positive that I will not have to leave the house. I physically can't leave the house. I won't go into graphic detail but believe me when I say going outside is not an option for me unless I am completely ready, medicated and the need is greater than the fear.

But I am rambling now, sorry. I tend to do that some times. It is the isolation.

Hi Grama-H, yes, agoraphobia is not fun. I'm glad you have support-emotionally and financially-as going through this can be so difficult. I feel for you with the whole isolation thing. Take care of yourself; I'm rooting for you! :-)

Nic,

I know that if I were working right now, there would be no way I could function the next day after therapy. I totally understand trying to keep your sessions at a tolerable level because of this.

There is a drawback of me not working right now though, I've become more agoraphobic than I was. It's a rare white elk day if I'm seen out of the house.

Best,
Rachel

Me too Rachel!

I too work and I keep my sessions to a tolerable rate as well, I know that i can't push as hard or I will be sick for days and I can't have that. My T. thinks it is amazing that I do the work that i do because I not only manage people but projects in a high stress financial environment, oh and i have 2 kids and a hubby! I have to watch out for pitfalls because my glass is already about to overflow on most days. However, when I was laid off and looking for a new job for 2 months I rarely left the house, i took my daughter to daycare and my son to summer camp, even though I was home because I wanted to be by myself. That was a "bad mom" moment or two but it helped me keep myself together and during that time I didn't talk to my T. about my trauma at all we talked about only present things because we had to. I should add that I have the greatest T. in the World and we have done tremendous work together!