Unbroken,

I'm here on this forum because I suffer from PTSD and I wanted to just offer to you what I know, from my own personal experience, how PTSD can affect communication.

I have, on many occasions, taken what someone has said to mean something else. It's as if the words went into one ear and then recalculated themselves somehow and I processed them in a manner that was never intended. This especially happens when I'm already in a stressful state of mind.

My advice is to talk to her about it again when she is not so emotionally wound up. This allows her to go into the conversation with a more rational state of mind, and more receptive to actually listening to what you intended and not what she heard.

Many times, after I've calmed down, I'm able to hear what was intended on my own instead of what I thought I heard. It's embarrassing but I've learned to be honest about it now and accept that I do this. Once one can accept and be honest about how their mind is processing certain information, then one can start to fix the problem.

Good luck.

Best,
Rachel

Thanks Wishmaster, yes it's a struggle and I want it to work out, so I'm trying my best to be patient and understanding. I think it's safe to say that she and I are a couple, and past the wonder stage, she means a lot to me.

Thanks for your thoughts, I've been through a lot in my life and I'm sure I can handle it, I just have to get used to the idea that someone else cares about me the way she does...it's been a long time! :)

Thanks Rachel, that's good to know and I really appreciate your input. I was wondering why she would tell me she thought I said that instead of questioning me (at the time) about why I would have said something that was untrue.

She has been dealt a lot of crap in her life and I truly want her to feel that things can get better. She's been feeling very sad lately and doing a lot of crying (because of what she's going through now). Even though she says she wants to see me, she often passes up on me coming over because she feels she's such a mess and doesn't want me to see her that way. It does make it hard on me, because I keep telling her that she doesn't have to feel self conscious about it. I just don't want her to feel alone, but I know that I have to give her some space to sort it out.

She doesn't handle guilt very well - or at all - so sometimes a simple comment can be taken the wrong way and I've been able to detect a change in her mood sometimes, so I've started asking her right away why she felt the way she did. When she tells me, I let her know that my intent was not to make her feel guilty, and that I was just 'communicating' to her, which sometimes helps.

Thanks so much for your help...

Unbroken, I am addressing the post concerning you feeling cornered and her percpetion over the event you outlined!

It amazes me again that your relationship is so similar to my last!

Okay! I too in the past had the tendency to see things rather differently from my partner. I guess that this is inevitable in realtionships. However, in retrospcect and with much hindsight I now realise that much of what I THOUGHT, HEARD AND FELT were greatly influenced by my past and the symptoms of PTSD.

95 percent of the time I would only hear the negative aspect of a sitaution concerning our communications. I would feel under attack, wonder if I was being manipulated and often felt that he was not being truthful with me or communicating effectivley - ha ha talk about transference!

It would cause him much, much frustration and he would spend time trying to help me understand what it was that he was actually saying to me. I would see the truth of this eventually after a long while thinking and pondering, but I would still wonder if he was manipulating me to see things his way. A very difficult vicious circle.

I would strongly suggest that YOU DO TELL HER EXACYL HOW YOU FEEL! My lovely did not, and over time he just shut down! He felt he couild no longer weather the storm.

It is so difficult unbroken and my major healing breakthrough; coming out of denial and really wanting to heal was probably as a driect result of that relationship (bittersweet). My lovely showed me a reflection of me I did not like! I realised I was so wrong about a lot of our issues due to my faulty rationale.

It will take much work to undo the crossed wires and skewed thinking. She has to trust in herself and you! She is doing it most of the time without realising what she is doing - she has learned to protect herself this way!

Please try to be honest with her. You must do it for you and her. You must have your own boundaries and she needs to learn what they are.

Spirit x

Unbroken, I have been reading your posts and I can relate to what you are going through. I have been treated for depression and substance abuse following a head trauma in 1991 from a car accident. I am moving along at a steady pace. I still have some issues that need to be worked on and the substance abuse is a life long task. I am 36 and met a girl who is 23 in outpatient therapy who is suffering from ptsd from sexual abuse as a child and a bad divorce when she was young. We started dating and fell in love right away. This was about 6 weeks ago. We were head over heels for each other.

Talking about wanting to be with each other for the rest of our lives.... The whole nine yards. As time went on she gradually started to isolate and eventually never came out of her room. Except for therapy. She has a bad social phobia, nightmares, a mother who is an addict, a step dad that is rude to her, and her father he is ok. Her dads wife used to mentally abuse her as a kid and her step brother sexually abused her. At the time her dad was sick and did not believe what she was saying. She started to have nightmares when she was in college. She lost her libido from the meds, sleeps with headphones on, or with the tv on. Her mood began to change and eventually it was as if she became this little immature girl that just complained about everything I did for her. She stopped showing any signs of affection, except when i would lay with her in bed. She said you make me feel safe. I love laying with you. Now out of no where she says that she does not trust me and sees a shady side of me and does not know if she can be in a relationship or not. At the same time, the day she told me this, she went out after therapy to a surf shop and met up with some old friends for about 3 hours.. What happened to the social phobia??

She said lets not talk for the weekend and monday we will talk and see how she feels about us being together. And all of a sudden she is playing playstation and seems motivated to do stuff outside her room. Not that i am not happy for her, but the timing seems a little strange. I do a lot of research to educate myself on her condition but have not come across anything that would help me understand this one. Was she using me for my company or as a parental figure to get through the beginning of her recovery?? I do not know how to deal with this, and have no idea why she has has had such a sudden change of heart about us being together. She has started a new program that is 5 days a week and taps more into making her talk about her past issues which i know is hard. Could this be why? Could it be because she feels to close to me? She says she wants to be independent and that i have been doing things that are "turnoffs"! Every little thing that i do wrong even if it is something that i did not know to her was wrong she is using as ammunition against me. The age difference also seems to be a big factor now as well, she says she feels very immature around me. She said it felt good to not have to get dressed and look good for me.

I never put any pressure on her to look good. She has gained about 20 lbs from the meds, and it makes her feel horrible even though to me she still looks great. I keep telling her she looks fine but does not believe me. Am i getting in the way of her progressing? And should i let it go? I feel that just from reading this forum that i have more knowledge about a relationship with someone who has ptsd, and i wish i knew some of this earlier. Some of the ways i reacted to her actions where in disbelief that she could have been feeling a certain way. Now i see i was wrong. I am a fighter and strong in dealing with problems which could be good or bad. I need some help. Thank you for your time..