Well I am a carer. My point was.. in case in got missed in all that.. that if you are not prepared for shut ins.. don't be in the relationship.. ( I do realize that not all carers have the slightest clue when beginning a relationship, however once they know it becomes their choice.) and that the time for exploring this boundary is NOT while a sufferer is in the shut in!

No where did I see any question on HOW to deal with them.. if that is a question I will be more than happy to share what I know works.. from both perspectives.

And yes, it is about the symptoms when such heavily emotionally worded judgment words, like bad behavior and abuse are constantly being thrown about.

Did I better clarify my point?

bec

But you are not a Carer in an adult relationship with another consenting adult who has PTSD. I am sure I read that Sisu said that it was 8 months into the relationship when this occurred. Once it happens what do you do? This is the first and only time it has happened from what I understand. Does this mean she has to "live with it" because she agreed to be in a relationship with someone who has PTSD - an illness she does not really understand? I have been with Anthony for over a year and I still get surprises at how PTSD can rear its ugly head. Have I left - no way. If Anthony disappeared for 2 months without a word...would I leave....I don't know but it would be really hard to rationalise that he wanted to be in a relationship with me if he did it.

There are many many posts over this forum about how Carers don't understand PTSD. Bec, you come from a point of understanding as you have PTSD yourself so you can identify and appreciate what Matt goes through. Does Sisu have a clue what her boyfriend really goes through - I doubt it.

NO NO NO. I don't mean she has to live with it! OMG.. lol

She is in her (her right? ) learning curve. Basically she just got the hard slap upside the face with PTSD. After this shut out.. it's her choice.. OMG.. lol too funny.

While she is in the first shut out.. having just learned of it.. no hard lines should be drawn. No demands made. Wait till after to sit down and discuss this. If, at this point, the line is drawn "no shut downs" then she should leave. As that is just not reasonable.

Point taken about my insight.You are dead on with that. Thanks for the reminder! *grins wickedly* which reminds me.. that you also are with someone in management phase.. and who does very well at that.. not full blown uncontrolled.. whole different ball game.. which requires a lot more leeway.. yet stricter boundaries at the same time!

bec

Yes, I do remind Nicolette of this often, especially when referencing people here at times, in that she did not get me through the bad times of my PTSD, the times she reads about here. Often Nicolette does become quite baffled at some things said here compared to knowing me and what I am like to live with. It is difficult for any carer depending upon when and at what stage a sufferer is. All of us have relapse during our life, though not likely ever to the extent of uncontrolled.

Kerrie did wear that from me... and those who do live with a person off uncontrolled PTSD will live through hell dealing with it. Someone in management is quite different to deal with.... nothing of a hard struggle compared to uncontrolled PTSD.

Hehe.. I think Nicolette and I are are on a see saw... each on our own just sit on the ground.. together we can balance it!

As a parent of a sufferer and a sufferer I tend to be more understanding in some areas, where as Nicolette is much more hard headed about it.. and in others vice versa!

LOL yes I am in a off beat mood! :)

bec

Geez, I dunno

True and valid points. Based on what I know now and if I was not with Anthony and met someone with PTSD who was not in management.... would I get involved..........NO way! No disrespect but I wouldn't want to live like that. Mild egg shells are bad enough to walk on

True! True!

Oh well Bec, if worst comes to worst, we can always go to the park and get along on the see-saw

This is a great thread. I am learning a lot!!

Yes my ex and I met last May and he seemed in total control of himself, his life, his emotions, etc. He did mention ptsd in passing after a couple months together, but said he was under control with meds and because he seemed in control I just accepted that. I now know that meds alone is not the answer ~ at the time I knew *nothing* about ptsd. Hindsight...I wished that he would have given me some information or encouraged me to learn about it so I could be more educated in my reactions, viewpoints and feelings. (I personally think that it should be the responsibility of the ptsd sufferer to help educate the people in their lives...not just assume they understand)

I would never allow a person without ptsd to treat me like my ex did. Although nothing he did was actually abusive....he did ignore my calls and emails...detached himself from my life....and said I needed to find someone else better than him because he was too flawed. Normally that would tell me ~ its over...move on sister....we are done here.

I do realize that it is a *choice* that we all have as carers to stay or walk away. But after 8 months, and being 41 years old....I made a huge investment in our relationship. My kids loved him, I loved him, my parents loved him, etc. He was part of our family ... and I was part of his. It was not so easy just to walk away....at least for me it wasn't.

It is beyond my thinking, as a person without ptsd, why someone would ever walk away from a relationship that worked. We had a wonderful relationship...no problems ever. We completed each other. But, I guess with the stress of his job and his problems with his kids....it got to be too much. It streched his fragile mind too far and he had to retreat.

Because I tend to have a soft heart, I had a really hard time walking away because I knew that the things he was doing and saying were because of his clouded viewpoint that he has right now. But, he is very stubborn in his viewpoint...not sure if this is the case with all ptsd sufferers. He *knows* he is right and does not believe me when I say that am willing to learn and take this journey with him. Maybe somewhere in his mind he thinks that it ever gets too much for me that I will be gone....so he left first. It saves him a little pain which is something that he cannot handle.

This is not something that I bargained for....but I would have stuck with him....he just would not allow it. No one is perfect. We all have our crosses to bear....some are just more visible than others.


Sisu

I hear you Sisu. I would have stayed with mine too. But, he pushed so very hard, was manipulative and self destructive. He really gave me no choice.

My "friend" definitely needed to do his healing on his own. And he is. He's in there every week working on stuff. So, I feel more positive about having let him go and see what will come through further down the road. Maybe nothing. I feel ok with that now.

I believe these people that we love are just doing the best they can.

I don't feel like I was co-dependent or needy when I entered the relationship. I was just someone who fell in love with a great guy. Everything went totally haywire with the therapy. I turned into a nutcase as well cause I had no understanding. But, now things feel ok. I know to just let him be to do whatever it is he needs to do.

I saw a tiny light recently. After a 7 month shut down- that began soon after the therapy started - he chose to see me recently. I'm not exactly sitting at home waiting for him to " choose to see me". And he's not exactly my deam guy right now. But, I am glad to see some progress and movement in his attiute towards me and himself. He didn't run away. He had positive things to say. He felt close to what I used to know. Perhaps this is what recovery starts to look like? I don't know.


I will always believe that he is a great guy despite all the shitty coping mechanisms.The ones that shut him down.

Something wonderful that has resulted is a really simple feeling of caring about someone no matter what. It is unconditional. All I want is for him to heal because he did not deserve any of what happened.