Although I've known about my husbands traumatic past, it's only been a two days since he's been formally diagnosed PTSD.

We've managed to remain married for 13 years. However, after having a special needs child 8 years ago, our marriage has really slid down hill. We've been in and out of therapy so many times. And finally, we found a therapist who read between the lines and figured out what was preventing us from moving on and becoming a healthy couple again.

Anyway, of course his one on one therapy now is bringing it all back up. Does anyone have any advise on how to deal with the confrontations of someone who is always looking to pick fights?

Yesterday's scenerio included a very happy thing (we found a Respite Care worker which will allow us some couples time). I had lightly asked him what he'd like to do with some of this time we now have. This quickly turned into him challenging me as why our relationship isn't perfect after all the counseling we've had as a couple. (Keep in mind, he's only had 2 sessions with a therapist that picked up on his PTSD). And questions like "when will he ever be good enough for me"? All of which are related to his childhood - I get that. I'm ok with that. But what I don't know how to deal with is my response to it all.

This morning, he emailed me from work the following:

Do you feel our relationship has gotten better (Yes / No)?
Do you think we are starting to get close again (Yes / No)?
Do you still want me around (Yes / No)?
Do you think I have improved (Yes / No)?
Do you feel I am even trying (Yes / No)?

I simply do not know how to or even if I should answer these.

Any advise is greatly appreciated!

It is going to get worse before it gets better. Starting therapy is great news but you need to prepare yourself for a bumpy ride.

Are you sure this is related to his childhood? Really it sounds more like he feels that he isn't good enough. Is the focus between you two all about how he needs to heal? That could easily leave him feeling like the person at fault while your on a pedestal. When PTSD rears it's head in couple hood, both parties end up having many issues to deal with. You will have just as much healing, learning, and new coping skills to learn as he does. It sounds like he feels the entire burden of the relationships issues are on his shoulders. Perhaps try paying attention to what signals are being given out?

I would answer very honestly. Don't leave any room for interpretation. It really sounds like he has no hope and is feeling that you don't think he is trying. Try some very honest and calm conversation on this.. please do so when this doesn't come up. Pick a time when everything is rosy to do so. Keep using I feel statements to avoid blame...

Hope that helps some and gives you a bit to think about..

bec

I figured as much. Our son has behavioral issues and any time we start a new behavior intervention, we see an increase before the decrease.

Its pretty complicated on how this is related to childhood. The bottom line is, he's lumped me into the same category of someone he loves who will inevitably hurt him and let him down.

We've had a re-occuring argument where he rehashes the same thing over and over again. Something where he felt I "purposely" let him down.It was over the fact I did not support him as much as he would have liked while he was playing out with a Rock Band about 5 years ago. He somehow expected me to be able to attend his 'gigs' every weekend even though he knew that we had no one to watch our special needs son. He admits that we had no respite resources. But...somehow, its still been blamed on me.

So, because of this, he decided that he would stop supporting anything to do with me. He pushed me away to the point that he did not even want to hear about my day or what was on my mind. If I tried to bring up something that inspired me, he'd tune me out and walk away. If I had something I wanted to share with him, he'd be too busy to share with me or would plainly state he was not interested. Yet, all the while he's pushing me away, he's asking for more and more sex without any intimacy attached. I wasn't feeling very good about any of it.

Up until recently, I had no idea why he was acting so disinterested in me. But, he's now admitted it's been on purpose.

This exact argument finally came up at our Marital Counseling. Prior to that, he continued to talk the talk at therapy sessions. Our therapist was really at a loss as to why we weren't making progress. So this time I brought it up this topic because I realized that's why I can't move on. I need his support (aka love, acceptance, etc.). The therapist began pushing him a bit on not dwelling on the past, but looking forward on how to move on. Suddenly, he blurted it all out - I was just like his mother who let him down. He can't trust anyone. Which then lead to a violent aggressive outburst directed towards the therapist's desk.

So...that's it in a nutshell. It's way complicated because we have so many underlying issues. We (both my husband and I) also believe that he likely is on the Autistic spectrum, like our son. So it's extremely complicated.

So, this questionnaire thing, I just was at a loss. I answered those questions last night verbally. Yet he insists that because things aren't fixed, I must not be telling the truth. Last night he was screaming at me that "He can never do enough for me". I told him that is just not true.

Thanks for responding. Putting my helmet on for our rocky roads ahead!

Those questions he asked in the e-mail strike a chord with me as a PTSD sufferer so I will share a bit of what I am feeling when I ask those kinds of questions (I know that for your husband it could be totally different). Sometimes I repeatedly ask my husband the same kinds of questions. I can tell you that what I want 99% of the time is plain and simple reassurance because I am feeling afraid (sometimes I feel an almost overwhelming fear that my PTSD will ruin our relationship) and inadequate. Sometimes I feel awful because I need so much reassurance but when he responds calmly, I feel better. For me, a lot of my problem sometimes is figuring out what's real and what is mixed up in my head because of PTSD and the reassurance helps me figure that out.

I don't want to be asking those same questions of him forever though (I don't think its fair to him and I want him to see that I trust his feelings for me) so I am really working on those feelings of inadequacy and fear. Its tough!

Like bec said, answer honestly and clearly. Maybe reassure him that you know this is hard but you want to be there for him. One thing I like to do is keep my husband's reassuring responses in a special place in my in-box so that if I start feeling afraid again I can pull it up and remind myself without having to ask him again.

WOW. I just reread this thread. I didn't know why, I felt drawn to it until I came to this response. And it was one of those "YES!" moments. I'm finally understanding one element of my DH's PTSD - the deep seated fear that his PTSD will drive me away ultimately.



I'm really glad you shared that with us. You'll never know how helpful it was.



Now, I just need to figure out how to apply understanding into action ...

Ah yes, that on-going process!

Cowgirl