Thanks Lisa,I really get the part about being being disloyal to the one thing that always helped. I think the thing that helped in this situation was just was "Jack" was saying above, I didn't want this person at work to be the one to take me down. Those thoughts of ultimate suicide are getting smaller and smaller by the minute since I made my commitment to live. They only last a couple of minutes versus hours or days, so that makes me feel really good. The self harm stuff comes up sometimes, when things go bad of course, but at least it isn't showing up everyday, for awhile it was an everyday fight. When things get out of control, I still pick up sharp objects but like the other day, I pushed it into the desk instead of my body, that took alot of will power. Do I think that if I was in a total state of distress that I would be able to have that power? I don't know, I came really close to taking a pair of sissors that day and stabbing myself in the stomach, only to turn to the desk at the last moment. I have to be strong and vigilant with myself when I get those feelings, it is such a struggle, but nice to know I am not alone.

Definitely. It does take a lot of willpower to beat urges like that... but it does get easier, once you get into a pattern of fighting them. Set backs - of course. Inevitable. But keep on keeping on, mate.

Jack's comment is one I relate to as well! I think my "they can do what they want, but I'll still be here" attitude that I have at times has kept me alive. I owe it a lot. Plain obstinance is probably the only thing that I see in myself that I think is good and am grateful for!

Thanks, I am feeling scared today, scared of myself and scared of other people, mainly myself though.

wierd, I lost my job on Thursday. When that almost happened in March I went all wierd, took a long road trip, thought about running away or commiting suicide and basically ended up spending the night at my pastor's house because noone trusted me to keep myself alive. I didn't end up losing my job it was all a misunderstanding. Anyway so I actually did lose my job and I didn't do any of that, I verbally beat myself up and I did have a little urge to cut but it wasn't too hard to avoid. Not once did I think of suicide though, that is pretty awesome! I didn't do anything to hurt myself, I drove fast but that was because I was pissed and I was only doing 90 mph, but in my head I was daring a police officer to pull me over because I was raging and he would have been on the receiving end of that and I would have ended up in jail, lucky that didn't happen. I really think that I have that part of my brain under control now :).

I have been living with PTSD all my life but didn't know I had repressed a memory of being raped, beaten and almost buried alive when I was five as my Mother had told me not to talk about it.
I began having non epileptic seizures in 1998 and spent the next two years in many hosptial epilepsy monitoring units. I was 43 years old when the memory came back of the attack and I am still struggling to live with PTSD, my husband divorced me as he couldn't handle it.. My daughter and son have been very supportive and I thank God for them.
I just want to know about recovery, I have a great doctor, therapist and PTSD group but I cannot work as my anxiety is high and I still have seizures when things get to tense.
I am commited to recovery and hope that someday I will be able to work and live with the betrayal of my family. Thank you

Monarch, sometimes taking a pen and drawing cuts on yourself can help. These are only something that should be done in the direst of circumstances but, it's a start. I hope that you can eventually come to a place where you don't think of it at all but in the meantime there are options. Take care of yourself

Morgan