Hi, I’m new here. A very good friend of mine was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. I knew it was abusive from the beginning, but for a while, until things got really bad, my friend didn’t see it. I witnessed dramatic changes in every aspect of her personality, interests and beliefs. I watched her fall apart, saw a person I loved more than anyone come so close to breaking. The helplessness was the worst part. Every day I lived with the knowledge of what was happening to her, as well as the knowledge that there was nothing I could do to stop it. She didn’t want help for so long, and I was terrified that anything I did or said to break them apart would only result in pushing her away. He was already isolating her, and towards the end, I was the only person besides her abuser she would even speak to anymore. Because of that, I felt like it was my responsibility, mine alone, to keep her as safe as I could. Throughout their relationship, I had recurring dreams where he went too far and killed her, and after they broke up, it changed to a nightmare I still have of her going back to him. So far it hasn’t happened, and at this point I doubt it will (it’s been years since they’ve spoken), but every time she begins a conversation with, “I have something to tell you,” I panic because I think she’s going to say they’ve gotten back together.

I feel so self-centered and narcissistic, taking her pain, her trauma, and apparently making it my own. She genuinely has (or had, as it seems to be in “remission” now) PTSD, and my pain is NOTHING compared to hers. I can only imagine the amount of suffering she had to endure. I haven’t ever been abused on that level, not even close, so I can’t claim to know what she went through. I have no right to cry over it, to think about it as often as I do.

This is the first time I actually considered the possibility that my anxiety is abnormal, let alone a psychological disorder. It still seems unfathomable to me, the fact that I could possibly have PTSD, or anything resembling it, from my friend’s trauma, but I can’t deny that I fit almost all the DSM criteria. I can’t deny that it still affects me daily, that the beginning of spring, the change in weather and smell of the flowers, is triggering memories and flashbacks I thought I’d finally gotten over. I still cry at night because I can’t forget, and I hate myself for this, but there are times I even resent my friend for being so blind for so long. How terrible is that? I know it’s not her fault. She was brainwashed, controlled, and in the end scared to leave. I really do know that and believe it completely, so why is a part of me angry at her?

What’s wrong with me? This is really taking empathy to an unreasonable level, and since the threat truly is gone and my friend is doing so much better, I can’t even justify my fear anymore. I have no reason to feel the way I do. Why can’t I get over it? I feel so guilty and selfish, and I’m scared to tell anyone about it because I don’t want to be laughed at, or told that I’m overreacting. I don’t know if I have PTSD. My symptoms suggest that I do, but I wasn’t the one who was traumatized. Can anyone tell me what’s happening? Is it just secondary trauma, or maybe stress from watching over her for so long?

I just want to forget. I want to go on with my life, but it seems like I’ve been stuck at this point for so long now. If she can move on, why can’t I?

Hi withinhershadow, and welcome to the forum. Only a doctor can tell if you have secondary PTSD. It would be best to get a conformation from your doc.

There is reading material here to help you as well.

Tammy