There are some things that haven’t made sense to me about my past. Things I’ve never talked to anyone about. Things that I try hard not to think about. Things that I hope will go away or maybe really didn’t happen if I don’t think about it. Things that make me feel dirty, disgusting, horrible, guilty, embarrassed and sick. I’ve refused to let myself think about these things, and I’ve never told anyone about any of it. Even when I was in counseling back home and I was really really close to my counselor and I trusted her more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. But I was too afraid to tell her because I was afraid she would think I was sick and disgusting and I was ashamed and scared and embarrassed.

One night earlier this year my college had a girls only conference thing on purity and stuff and I went and all these emotions came over me and it hurt so much and I felt so overwhelmed but I couldn’t really explain what I felt or why. It was just these intese emotions and feelings. I was shaking, but it was almost like I was shaking from the inside out. Like the shaking began on the inside but became so strong it could be seen visibly. I couldn’t make it stop and it hurt so much. It felt like my muscles were cramping, contracting, and shaking inside of me and I couldn’t make them stop and it physically hurt and I was crying. It got so bad that my roommate called the RD and she came and sat with me and helped me calm down. But it lasted for about 3 hours and afterwards I felt so exhausted both emotionally and physically. I ended up kind of talking about everything I was thinking about to my roommate and a friend but I was very vague and never brought it up again after that one time. I really felt like I should have told someone at that time and I felt like there was so much that didn’t make sense but I was afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, and disgusted

Recently I was talking to some of my friends about things from my childhood. They like to hear some of the weird stories I have, and after I told them one story they laughed but they made the comment that that wasn’t normal and didn’t sound right. I started to think about it and other things in my childhood and some things don’t make sense. And so it’s been on my mind a lot and even though I don’t want to think about it the memories keep coming back. And after talking about some of the things that happened with my grandma being emotionally abusive (which I’ve talked about many times in detail to different people) the memories and thoughts kept getting worse. So this week in counseling I brought it up and I talked about some of the things I remember for the first time ever. I felt so embarrassed, sick, disgusting, guilty, and uncomfortable.

My counselor said she was proud of me and that she knew it was really hard for me and I didn’t want to do it but that it was a great step to take. But since then I can’t stop thinking about it and the thoughts and memories seem to always be there. And I feel that now that I’ve told someone and said it out loud that now everyone knows. I feel like everyone can look at me and see how gross I am. I know that they really can’t but that’s how I feel. And I feel like maybe I opened something that I should have just kept close. If I would have just never said anything these thoughts and feelings wouldn’t be so consuming, and I could just pretend that nothing ever happened. And I think it wouldn’t be so hard if it made sense. If I knew and understood what happened. But there are just small memories of things that don’t make sense and I’m too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my parents about them. I’m afraid they will think I’m sick and disgusting and be ashamed. And I don’t want people to know. I don’t want anyone to know. I don’t even know what all happened if anything. Maybe it’s all in my head or maybe I was just a sick disturbed child and it really is all my fault.

I was wonder what flashbacks are like? The things I do remember won’t seem to leave my mind and it’s all I can think about and I get all these feelings about how I’m dirty, disgusting, guilty, and all alone and even kind of panicky. Is that a flashback?

It sounds like intrusive thoughts/memories that upset you until you have anxiety or panic attacks.

A flash back is when you go back to the time of when the trauma took place and relive it. It feels as if you are there in the trauma issue, and not here in the present. It's hard to speak to anyone and snap out of it and takes a lot of work to be able to bring yourself back (if it's a long flashback)

Take care
Tammy