I am new to this, I was doing research and stumbled on this site. I am so happy to see things in writing that I have been feeling. I thought I was being selfish for needing the support and feeling like I was giving all the time. A sigh of relief to know I'm not alone.

I have never written in this section of the forum before; but after reading this yesterday, I asked my husband of 18 years what it has been like living with me (I am a PTSD sufferer).

He was very honest and said it was challenging because:
-I would shut down for days at a time and did not even realize I was shut down.
-My anxiety has kept him from being involved in some activities that he would have liked to enjoy as a couple.
-My depression is difficult because at times it drags him down and leaves him to care for the children, work full-time and make sure I am ok; which is exhausting.
-He has lost friends because they did not understand why I would get upset over something seemingly small and he would protect me.
-When I go for nights without sleeping; so does he. Not just because I am making noise and moving around, but because he worries about me.

I'm sure there is more to the list. I asked him what made him stay for 18 years and endure such frustration. This was his answer:

-He knew I had issues before we married. I did not try to deceive him about my anxiety and depression.
-Even though I shut down and get depressed; he always knows I will eventually come back.
-I always do as much as I can and totally relieve him and let him rest when I feel well.
-When I feel well I am always up and fun to be around. He's never considered me one to seek sympathy or attention.
-If friends leave because he protects me; then they can go because I am his best friend.
-And last but not least, he loves me more than his next breath. We are truly soul-mates.

I hope it is ok to post this here. Needless to say, I am very glad I asked that question. Today is going to be a great day! I am so blessed.

You are right! And, I have shared my most recent good news with him!

Thanks Cowgirl :-)

Spirit x

I can't speak for everyone else, but I stuck around because he's my husband and I agreed to stay with him for better or worse. Lately it's been worse. I'm wondering if maybe it is time to move on with my life. But I'm at least going to give him a reasonable chance to go back to being the man that I married before I run away. I would hope he would do the same for me.

Welcome to the forum!

We all try to be strong. But none of us really are Super Woman. We just try to be. It is human to feel overwhelmed. It is human to have weak moments. It is human to cry. You are only human. You don't need to feel guilty for being human.

You are doing a great job. Keep that in mind.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

Hi Heartbroken. I'm sorry to say, but this is never going to happen if he has PTSD. I suggest you read the carer's section in the information section of the forum. Here is a quote that I think you could really use right now...

"Realize PTSD is a Life Long Condition. Do not waste time in thinking your loved one will eventually be cured or will go back to being the person they were before they had PTSD. One does not "get over" PTSD; it is permanent. Although your sufferer can reach a management stage and have a very fulfilling life, they will always need to work upon themselves to stay healthy. There will always be some matters they need to avoid. PTSD is now of a part of your life and theirs. It becomes part of the reality of not only the person with PTSD, but their family as well. It takes a while to integrate this into life. It's difficult, frustrating, tear-jerking and will be the cause of many arguments. However it can be done if everyone is committed to keeping relationships and family together." The Ideal Carer

bec

Becvan,

I am still conflicted over that message. I do not want to get into another debate about why it is true or why it is not!

I feel as I am going through therapy and working hard and I mean really hard I will not be leaving any stone uncovered. I feel, that I am actually dealing with the trauma and the effects of PTSD are not so relevant anymore. I have learned all of this and I am unlearning it. The symptoms of PTSD, for me, feel like a really bad habit that I have taught myself and I feel I can re-teach myself new healthy habits.

I don't feel I need, want to have the label of PTSD for the rest of my life. I guess the more I voice this opinion the more people may think, 'oh, she is in denial', that is not true for me. I am just hard working and determined to be my own heroin. I just instinctively know that I can do this.

I guess the actual trauma's that I have faced were way more devastating than the symptoms of PTSD. They caused PTSD so if I am cancelling them out as I go along then my symptoms will have no place within me.

I guess all I can say is watch this space!.............

Spirit x

Hi everyone,

I am new here. Guess I am also a stranger on this part, because I am a Dutch girl (33) whose boyfriend served in the Croatian army during the war in former Yugoslavia. He was also a member of the special police force. In '91 he was captured by the Serbs and kept in detention for more than 2 months. He was tortured but eventually released. After that he served as a special police (speznac) until 2000. When the first presient of Croatia died he was forced into retirement. He is 37...!. It's a long story how we met, what we went through. Maybe there will be time to tell more.

What I want to say is that without this forum I am not sure whether I would still be with him. I thought (when he told me he had PTSD) that it was about nightmares, stress, pain. But now I know there's far more to it. I read all the threads about shutting out. I know now what that is... I had two of them (we are together 1.5 year). Well, you could stand on your head if you like, but when they don't feel like talking they won't talk. The first time I had no idea what was going on. Whatever I texted, whether I called or not, he was just not there. We met at christmas in Croatiaand I had a wonderful time with him, his beautiful daughter and his mother (they live together). He waited 10 hours for me at the airport (I was delayed because of the wheather). After that we had diffiicult times (illness because of his stress), his financial problems, but no more shutting outs for weeks. He explained to me that when he did that he felt so awful that he had no words to describe how he feels. He then doesn't eat, doesn't go anywhere. After the second time, when I read about PTSD and found this forum, I found a letter here made by someone who has PTSD. A letter to his girlfriend. It is about the gift of presense, and about the metaphor of the cup filled up till the edge. Does anyone here remember? I translated it to my best Croatian and sent it by email. After three days he contacted me and thanked me for understanding him. After that I never heard this "You don't understand', 'You can never understand'; (although I know there are still a lot of things I could not understand). But he realized that I really loved him and that I wanted to at least try to understand him.

When I remember these periods of shutting out, I could cry. He is my everything. And now he can tell me that he never wants to be without me. We have our quarrels, and he has his bad periods, when there are financial problems etc. I just never stopped believing in him, whatever other people would say to me. I had seen someone so beautifull, emotional, so loving and honest that I was sure then that there had to be a reason. I know now. Yes, it is hard. But in my opinion, when he wants to fight for his love as much as you do, then everything is possible. And eventually he will give you just that what you needed before. Because they don't forget what you tell them and they can feel so much love and emotion. Because they knew hell on earth, they know what they want what they need in a person: lots of love and understanding. And they then have so much to give back!

I don't know what ecxactly I want to say here. I think I can agree with those who say that when they shut you out they have no other option. They feel so horrible, so stressed, in pain, worthless, that only the most urgent things around them (family, finance) is more than enough. My love tells me that he then also feel like a time bomb, about to explode.

But when there is love growing (he has never been rude to me), with mutual understanding (I tell him how difficult it was for me when he shut me out, when already being 1300 km apart). Recently he told me that he was sorry for the stupid things in his mind, that it was for him as well an exhaustion. That was the first time. He has no need to apologize, but it felt good. But he also said that he feels even worse when he knows that I am sad because of his behaviour. He can't stand seeing me in tears. Like he would say: whatever I do, be strong'. He also said that that it doesn't change his feeling about me. 'It's like I am on a highway, there is no end, and I just keep going on'. And then, there is this moment of awakening. So, I agree (from my personal experience) that they don't do this to be rude or whatever. It just happen, because of what happens in their lives (problems e.g.) or things in their mind which just go on and on. Today it can be ok, tomorrow it can be hell. When they feel love and security (that is what he keeps on telling me) you will be in his heart until he feels good enough to get back to you. Try to understand, but also tell him how this hurts you as well. But you have to ask yourself how much you love him, to be in pain just because you love him.

Spirit: If you would like to take this aspect of the discussion elsewhere, I'll gladly chime in. However this is the carer's section and is not the place to debate what was already done by asking for everyone's views.

bec