Well hi there gang.

Must first apologize for not being able to post in so long, it's been months I think!
The main reason for this is that there was a huge space of which some transitioning took place.

The old psychotherapist that I was seeing (and thought was really good), finally took a turn for the worst, she told me she could no longer continue seeing me because she had a career change, and that she thought that I would be better suited with a more experienced psychotherapist.

Okay, that was alright (well, not really, but hey - shit happens), so I got involved with the ACC (New Zealand’s accident compensation ) scheme and managed to apply for free counseling through them (on sexual abuse grounds).

Thing is - this counselor (the new one) seems to think that the sexual abuse issues are the dominant ones, well, they are, but the Post Traumatic Stress ones bother me more!
I don't have problems with sexual abuse issues. Sure, I hate most men, and being one myself, well - that comes across quite strange when I'm in a room full of them - but surely that's a PTSD issue, not a sexual abuse one?

Anyhow, Shrinking aside - a few months ago, I discovered why it was that I literally hated going to my psychiatrist was because he reminded me of my father - the same grey hair, beard, mannerisms were all the same etc etc etc.

I haven't been able to go back to him ever since I actually had this 'awakening', and so I've stopped my meds (Effexor XR) about two weeks ago, and have (in reponse to that), become an absolute asshole to be around.

On a good (kind of) front - I started a course in orer to become a head chef, wishing to become the next Gordon Ramsay! I am lucky too - there's only one other guy in my class, and he's as queer as a two bob watch, so I feel safe there.

My partner's leaving me. She said it the other nght, called her mum and dad up, and arranged to have her stuff sent back to Auckland, where she's originally from.
Thing is - I told her to go.

I don't know why, because I don't want her to leave me, I love her dearly,
but I cannot even live with myself now, let alone someone else, and my mind and body are simply falling to bits around my arse.

Well, that's a catch-up with me, well - some of what's been happening lately, and an apology for not posting in so long.
I really need someone here to talk to about me, someone who understands where I am at.

Please help

I find your thinking fascinating. Isn't PTSD a result of trauma including the sexual abuse...the end result? I would really like to understand this if anyone could help.

Why do you hate men Mortiis? Is this because of sexual abuse?

The hating of men does go back into my experiences with sexual abuse. I have never been sexually abused by a woman, therefore I am much more comfortable around women.

Hi Mortiss. Sounds like your having it a bit rough right now.

I had a cycle late last year that lasted about 2 months. Started with me giving up my meds, including effexor, and ended up with me drunk in Cuba. Had left the boyfriend, the responsibilities, and everyone who gave a nickle about me behind. I hated myself so much at that point, I certainly didnt think anyone should have to put up with my... stuff.

It really seems to me that I sabatoge myself. WHen I start to feel a certain level of normalacy, I do something to mess it up. Issues of deserving to be happy, I guess. And I hate for everybody to see me like this. So then I leave the whole mess of them behind.

Babbling here. Sorry. But I thought I heard something familiar in your words. I am struggling with getting past the front door. Literally. This was my big step out before I hit the real world.

So good luck to you in your class. Maybe it will turn the tide, so to speak. Maybe if you explain to your girlfriend, like you just did here, that you love her dearly... maybe she wont go. Or she will give you what space you need to heal yourself. Let her know there is something going on with you, maybe she will be able to help.