I am very tired today and have tons of stuff to. Really feel like crawling back into bed. I am sure I will be ok once I get moving...walking to the store in a bit. But I just don't have the energy to be here.

Ok, so I was going to not be here today (and I am going to leave in a minute) but something occured to me and I wanted to write it down before I forget. Can't make me much more twitchy then I am now.


This whole thing with my girls is different then when I lost my son. Don't get me wrong I was wretchedly upset...it was just different.

Maybe it is because I had other children to focus on during on during that time and things went straight to hell shortly there after but as much as I missed my son and wanted him and....I never really grieved for him...I never really felt this all consuming ache...I don't know that sounds bad....

Hell maybe it was being numb....couldn't feel much of anything....but when I found him last year it was like I was completely overwhelmed....I was happy in a way I can't describe and I grived and hurt at the same time.

But with the girls it is a never ending ache that no matter what I am doing if I even turn that direction and look at it for a quick I am just overcome with the most wretched grief....

I don't know...just a weird thought. And it still didn't come out quite right...

wow, really rainy Easter.

Congrats on the buying a house thing. I hope you get some room to plant stuff. Containers are really fun, and I have a lot of fun with them.

Maybe, you can visualize your kids as you take loving care of your plants. I know one thing, just having that kind of energy in your heart will transfer to their lives, whether they are conscious of it or not.

I think you were numb when it came to your son, or just overwhelmed. Plus, you likely very identify with a girl's need for a mother figure............therefore, the ache in your heart for not being able to be there in the flesh as that for them.

Give yourself a break............you've gone through so much. Keep the love in your heart and know that God or whatever, will transfer that to them............I knew my Mother, she abandoned me more than just physically, but emotionally to the max, just tossed in the towel. Could never figure out why, I was straight A's, tried to please, etc. Just couldn't put up with what my Dad was doing.
You haven't abandoned your kids emotionally..........give yourself some credit.

And yesterday was so beautiful, I was holding out hope for the kids and their Easter Egg Hunts...

I try to give myself credit...try to look back at the past with a kind eye. I always think to myself that I would not judge others harshly if they made similar mistakes why am I so hard on myself.

It is just interesting how differently I have grieved for my son...it never felt so all consuming as the whole thing with the girls...I used to wonder about it cause it wasn't like I loved him less or anything.

But when I found him last year I was completely overwhelmed... at first my heart was filled with complete joy. But then came days when I felt so hurt, so completely overcome with pain that I could barely get out of bed...At first I was somewhat confused, because I was so happy. Then I realized it was all the years of not grieving, all the years it was "ok" because he was with his dad and basically safe etc...etc...

The girls on the other hand...I grieve for them almost everyday. A day might go by where I can put them out of my mind but if I think about them, even for a minute the grief is always fresh and raw. It is just something I have learned to live with.

Both the babies have birthdays this month. Well, they really aren't babies anymore...turning 11 and 12 actually.

I wonder what they look like and I wonder who they are. Hailey was such a little tomboy. All she wanted to be was a football player when she grew up. It was funny...Eris was such a girly girl...always wanting shoes and hair pretties and what not. But I had to bribe Hay to let me put a braid in her hair and then it could only be a "big braid" down her back. With a plain elastic band...no bobbles or anything.

And my baby...my little Lecie. She was 18mo old the last time I saw her and now she will be 11. She looked like a little doll when she was born, had all this dark hair and huge dark blue eyes. All my other kids were blond so a dark haired baby was a nice change of pace.

She almost died when she was born, we both did. I remember a nurse asking me what I wanted (a boy or a girl). I just said I wanted it to be alive...and after that I wanted it to be healthy. Boy or girl didn't matter. She was a stubborn little thing...stomped her foot before she could stand. Knew I was in trouble when I saw that.

And so another year passes. I don't know how it can go so slow and so fast and so slow at the same time.

Lecie was born the day after Hailey's first birthday. She was actually due on May 14th but was born by emergancy C section on April 29th.

The two older girls were already in foster care and plans had been made for me to go see the birthday girl and have a small party. Just didn't work out that way.

On the 28th I found out from my caseworker that a warrent had been issued for my arrest and that the state could not allow me to see the girls until it was taken care of.

So I called my lawyer who told me not to do anything until I had seen my doctor (my pregnancy was high risk and he did not want to take chances)later that day.

By the time I got to the clinic I was pretty stressed out (who am I kidding I was wrecked). My kids were in foster care, I had missed an important day and then I found out that the state was going to press criminal charges against me (as much as I blamed myself for everything it really did something to my head when they pressed charges against me but did not even look at our abuser cross eyed). Anyway when they took my blood pressure it was way too high....not only that but it was determined to stay that way. I spent a couple of hours laying on my left side under dimmed lights before they decided that I should be admitted because they were worried I was going to have a stroke.

I was sent upstairs and hooked up to a fetal monitor and also given an IV (I can't remember what it was but it was supposed to prevent the afore mentioned stroke).

To make my day even better the hospital took it upon themselves to call my ex so he showed up...and then he called his family who showed up about 15 minutes after he called.

It was decided that labor would be induced the next morning (the 29th). At one point I asked about them doing a C section (I had a bad feeling and actually wanted one) but was told that the doctor did not believe it would be necessary...

I spent most of the next day worrying and waiting for something to happen. Eventually it did...it just wasn't what anyone expected. I had a few minor contractions, nothing to write home about (but I was on alert because I have short...really really short labors). The next thing I knew my water broke...I told the ex that he should go get a nurse so he took off down the hall. So the nurse comes in and says we should check and see how far dialated I am and whatnot. Next thing I know she says "I can't feel a head but I feel a cord" (that's a bad thing by the way) and all hell broke loose.

I am not sure of how long the rest of it took because it seemed to go really slow and really quickly at the same time. I remember most of it but at the same time it is kind of a blur...probably because of the panic.I can remember the ex saying that hailey had had the cord wrapped around her neck and she was fine. And I can remember looking at him very calmly and saying but this is not the same thing...this is bad. I remember a nurse (an older one) yelling that they needed to get me on my hands and knees. I remember them wheeling me down the hall and wondering where all the people were (other patients had been sent back to their rooms) and I remember my IV line getting cought in the wheels and thinking "OH F**K, they will never get another one in my now (I have difficult veins).

And of course since I have quick labors I was having really hard contractions the whole time. That kid wanted to be born and nothing was going to stand in her way. The entire time that same nurse (her name was June) kept her hand inside of me holding Lecie's head and preventing her from being born and tearing through the cord (she saved my daughters life and one of Lecie's middle names is June).

Anyway they wheel me off to the operating room and things are still crazy. Someone asked the ex if there was a choice to be made who were they supposed to save...he said me. We got inside the OR and I yanked the mask off of my face and told them all that under no circumstances were they supposed to let my kid go in order to save me...that if I woke up and found out they had there would be hell to pay.

I can remember a nurse yelling at me (although now I can't remember about what). Turns out it was June. Doesn't really matter though what she was yelling cause it was the only thing I could focus on. I told her that when she came in to say sorry.

Amazingly the whole IV thing worked out fine...mine was still in working order so they did not have to put in a new one. I remember them telling me to breath and to count backwards....I remember how they just dumped the betadine on me (on tv and whatnot they always wipe it on so neatly with a piece of gauze but not in my case).

And then I remember waking up (briefly) and someone asking if I wanted to see the baby before they took her to another hospital (that had a NICU). I said no...because I did not want them to waste the time.

Later I remember the ex shoving a poloriod under my nose and so that I could see her. She looked dead...

I woke up a few hours later in another room. I have a very vague memory of going there but I don't know if it is really a memory or just something someone told me.

But anyway I woke up and looked at the picture of my baby girl. She was hooked up to a respirator and had tubes sticking out here and there. She looked really, really awful.

I got up the courage to call the hospital where she was staying and talked to a nurse in the NICU. She told me that Lecie was doing well...she had had one seizure but was mostly just lathargic.

The next day I called again and was told that they took out the breathing tube and that she was doing well.

I was kept in the hospital for 4 days. On the second I got permission to go to go actoss town (actually a few miles) and see my baby. The ex had already been to see her (I made him...he had to be good for something) and had brought me more polaroids. Without the tubes she was beautiful...looked just like a little doll.

His mom came and gave me a ride. I had never spent time in a NICU before and had no idea what to expect. Anyway, we go in and wash and put on sterile hospital clothes and then we walk in and....I saw her and she was so beautiful!!!!

We walked over to her bassinet and we could just put our hands in to touch her. I talked to her about anything I could think of. And then the nurse came over and asked if I wanted to hold her and give her her very first bottle (she had been hooked up to a feeding tube). Of course I jumped on that.

Sitting in the hospital holding her and giving her that bottle was the most magical moment. I held her for what seemed like forever and yet was not even close to long enough.

After I don't know how long I realized I had to go. I was so sore I could barely move and was almost sick from it. Had we been together in the same hospital it would have not made a difference. But being seperated it did...I still had to go back across town.

I was very sad when I put the baby back in her bassinet. Really had no idea when I would see her again. Hoped to get back up there but it was dependent on who could give me a ride.

Had I known how long it would be I would have been even sadder.

I am here today...not that I really feel like it. Mostly what I would really like to do is sit and cry. Today is Lecie's birthday...yesterday was Hay Hay's.

I miss them so much. A lot of the time I try not to think about it. Because no amount of healing (and I still have a ways to go) will change the fact that my heart feels empty without them.

That is not PTSD. That is just me. I miss my babies. I want to hold them, I want to be able to tell them that I love them. I want to watch them grow and play and listen to them argue.

I have been told that it will get easier, that it will hurt less in time. That isn't really true. More like you just sort of get used to it. And it becomes part of you.

I can't believe it has been eight years...eight years since I held their little hands and hugged them and told them I love you. Eight years since I held them and told them goodbye. It feels like hundreds...an eternity and at the same time the blink of an eye.