The therapy is making it hard to function and I feel bad for being such a crappy mom these past few weeks.
I have been trying to avoid being her primary caretaker, because I either have no patience or no energy for being attentive to her needs. My "run and hide" techniques for coping are making it almost impossible to be a good parent. I feel like I should explain some of this to her so she doesn't think I am avoiding her because of something she has done. She is 5 and I would like to avoid the "mommy is a little sick" kind of conversation because I don't want her to worry that I am going to die or get sicker.

Any ideas on how to talk to her?

Hi WTI, I need to think about an answer some more before I reply but in the meantime I did want to say that I believe:

• Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for
• It is important not to lie to your children - as in a child senses there is something wrong with you from instinct yet you tell them nothing is wrong.... I think this messes up their internal processes as they may then question what they feel if they are told it is wrong. What I think I am trying to say is you don't want to teach a person not to trust their gut instincts whether they are 5 or 50. The reason I say this is when I was growing up I "felt" things were wrong yet were told they were not so. As an adult I have had to spend a whole lot of time re-training myself to listen to that little voice inside of me rather than rationalising what I knew. I made more mistakes listening to what people told me rather than going with what I felt and the reason I did this was because I was "trained" to do so as a child.

I agree that you need to speak to your daughter and it is good that you are trying to work out a way to do it. Well done!

It is good that you want to make sure your daughter feels no responsibility for your reactions. I agree with Nicolette, children are very perceptive. They also often need less information than we might think, but it's important to be cautious about how they "fill in the blanks" in their heads. You can probably bring this up during a 'teachable moment' in your daily life. It seems important to say that
1. It's not her fault and she hasn't caused you to feel ill or worsened your illness; and
2. That you are taking care of yourself and will feel better soon, so she needn't do anything.

Five is still very young and what she's probably most worried about is being 'bad' by causing you to feel ill and that her security and safety will be affected. Reassurances to the contrary, and seeing you take responsibility for healing, will go a long way in managing things.

Hi WTI

I have no help in the area you seek BUT I can tell you what the eventual result may be. My daughter was basically raised by my disease. In that, I was not diagnosed until she was 27 and long gone from the home.

I was "always feeling bad" and could not go to work. Mycoping skills were non existant and I actually had her answering the phone to cover for the bill collectors.

While I'm sure you are not "that" type of mom, I do know that our behavior sends very definite messages. The message my kid got was a negative one and she had absolutely no respect for me at all. I was a weak and irresponsible adult and that is how she saw me.

She was 6 when her father and I divorced. I was not prepared to handle being a single parent so emotionally she was on her own. While I know how hard this time is for you, make her feel safe and secure and loved. Tell her she is loved and what a big girl she is being by helping mommy. Tell her that sometimes mommies get sad and that's ok. But she is helping mommy feel happy.

I hope this helps you in some way. It is not meant to scare but to help you. I never want any mom to feel the alienation I felt from my daughter. The disrespect from her was extremely painful. Even though she is 5 she needs to be involved-age appropriately involved.

I don't believe there is a solid answer when dealing with children, because they do understand more than we think, though they just display things differently. Nobody wants their five year old thinking they have to take care of mummy, otherwise they growup with their own little unique trauma in adulthood.

I think honesty is the way, though really you even have to limit that or put it a way a five year old will understand. That I guess is the challenge in itself though! Firstly you cannot feel guilty for helping yourself, because if you don't do it now then your child will suffer later from your illness. Get it over with, get it done, so you can focus back to being a mother and not a mother with PTSD overwhelming her constantly.

I would ask your therapist for specific advice maybe surrounding the best way to approach your five year old about this....

I did talk to my daughter and it went well, as well as a strange kind of talk can go. I decided to tell her that I was going to appointments to deal with old problems so that I could be a happier person. I told her the appointments, not her or her actions, make me sad and apologized for not being myself. I told her I may be a little sad for a while, but it will be over soon and I will be feeling much better. She admitted that it was making her "a little bit mad" that I have been so sad lately and I told her that I would happy to talk to her about whenever she wanted. I think that I will bring it up again if I see the same kind of behavior she displays when she is upset (tantrums, arguing).

Thanks everyone!

Well done you did the right thing!

I am as honset with my son as I can be - he is 12years old! I do this to ensure that he is not worrying alone and not feeling responsible. When ever I discuss stuff with him I do it when we are naturally engaging so that it is not too dramatic - he always says 'it's okay Mum you have taught me not to worry about you - I Know you can handle it yourself'! I guess that his attitude is due to our openess and that is the best you can ask for! No guilt, no blame, no secretly worrying, = a happy healthy child :0) When I am not doing so well I also ensure that I do small things for him so he definitley knows he is not the problem - I brought him a love heart lolly the other day and told him how much I loved him - he was pleased with the chocolate and ate it all up ha ha!

You are a brave and good mother!

Thank you so very much!! I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what to say to my 7yr old. Your post has helped me! My daughter has been showing a whinny or crying for nothing, and being bossy behavior and i know she senses something from me. I just wasn't sure how to approach it. Thanks so much!

One thing I emphasize to my little ones when I am in therapy or not feeling well is:

First and foremost, they WILL be cared for; whether by myself, my husband or somebody else that is trusted and loving. I tell them when I feel better I will do all the little special things mommy does. In the meantime, just know I love them very, very much and would never not take care of them. They need to feel safe.

The second thing is mom will be ok.

BTW, sometimes when I am experiencing anxiety it really does help to do kid stuff. If I am with the kids and don't feel like cooking dinner, they think it is great for me to spread a blanket on the floor and have a simple picnic inside with just pb&j sandwiches, or cheese and crackers and fruit. As simple as it can be so it does not require a lot of energy. The children feel they did something special and does not totally drain mom.